Your thoughts please on my wife and her vibrator

**KateA** · 12-17-2011 11:38 PM

Was your relationship always like this? I agree with the other responses, this is not a bedroom issue this is a marriage issue. I know you do not want to hear this, but if she is googling things like 'I don't love my husband' you need to be very, very worried. Many women will not rock the boat, which is why she is telling you she loves you and she says yes when you ask her if your relationship is okay - she is telling you what you need to hear.

Also, Tod, you need to step up and be a man and control the household. Tell her how you feel, after all communication is the key to a relationship, and it seems to me that you have no channels of communication with your wife anymore. Tell her firstly that you do not like her spending, tell her you are worried about your childrens future and your future and that it could be affected by the constant spending she does. Tell her that if she wants to spend money like she does then she needs to contribute as well. A marrige is a partnership but by the sounds of it you are doing most of the work. I have always believed that a relationship is 50/50 and give and take. You are giving and she is taking, and not giving back. It's unfair.

You need to decide what you want as well. Do you want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore? If not, then you need to step up and do something about it.

**Tod121** · 12-19-2011 06:10 AM

Originally Posted by KateA

Was your relationship always like this? I agree with the other responses, this is not a bedroom issue this is a marriage issue. I know you do not want to hear this, but if she is googling things like 'I don't love my husband' you need to be very, very worried. Many women will not rock the boat, which is why she is telling you she loves you and she says yes when you ask her if your relationship is okay - she is telling you what you need to hear.

Also, Tod, you need to step up and be a man and control the household. Tell her how you feel, after all communication is the key to a relationship, and it seems to me that you have no channels of communication with your wife anymore. Tell her firstly that you do not like her spending, tell her you are worried about your childrens future and your future and that it could be affected by the constant spending she does. Tell her that if she wants to spend money like she does then she needs to contribute as well. A marrige is a partnership but by the sounds of it you are doing most of the work. I have always believed that a relationship is 50/50 and give and take. You are giving and she is taking, and not giving back. It's unfair.

You need to decide what you want as well. Do you want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore? If not, then you need to step up and do something about it.

Ouch, that does hurt to read this, may be I was kidding myself but I thought that things were on the mend I thought that her google seach was just a "bad period" and that since then she realised things wearnt so bad. This google search was about 2 months ago and I know I shouldnt pry but I have not see anything bad since. She cuddles up to me in bed but has turned me down when I make sexual advances, clearly not good but I dont know what to make of this at all..?? I got us to take up a sport we enjoyed before we had kids to help build communications and the bond between us, looks to of helped but Im not sure now.
I know it may seem like I am putting things off but I want to get through Christmas as happily as possible and if there is no improvement in January to then make a stand as there is not much more I can do. It is likely to be a very rough ride but we cant stay like this for much longer, she will not like my comments about money and I still dont know how we can split (if it comes to it) without her taking as much money as possible. If she refuses to get a job (as she has always done) I dont know what can be done about the joint bank account and credit cards. I can open a new account and have my pay sent there but how do we close the joint account without her written consent or stop her draw more money out?

**jns** · 12-19-2011 07:46 AM

If your name is on the credit card, you can cancel it and have it reissued as a single card to you. You should be able to have your name removed from the joint bank account. Also remove the overdraw protection as that causes large fees and allows spending when money isn't there. If she continues to bounce checks it will damage her credit. Even though you two are married, you don't have to put up with her being financially irresponsible.

**Tod121** · 12-19-2011 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by jns

If your name is on the credit card, you can cancel it and have it reissued as a single card to you. You should be able to have your name removed from the joint bank account. Also remove the overdraw protection as that causes large fees and allows spending when money isn't there. If she continues to bounce checks it will damage her credit. Even though you two are married, you don't have to put up with her being financially irresponsible.

Many thanks, its sometimes hard to think clearly when you are up against it, I'll bere your suggestions in mind.

**missinthelove** · 01-09-2012 10:59 PM

I too feel your pain. My situation is a little bit backwards though. For the past year me and my fiance have benn having sex problems, he watches porn and never wants to have sex. We finally talked about it one night and he told me he wasn't physically or sexually attracted to me. I am a little bit over weight so I thought that might be what it is, I've been trying everything I can to lose weight. For christmas he bought me a vibrator and its been well over 2weight months since we've had sex. All in all we make a wonderful couple, im just missing thr intimate part of the relationship. To know he rather watch porn then have sex with me and when we do have sex it makes me feel like he is forcing himself to have sex with me. He thinks that since he bought me a vib foor christmas it'll be fixed and I wont bug him anymore.......

**BabyGirl** · 01-10-2012 09:20 AM

If she refuses to get a job (as she has always done) I dont know what can be done about the joint bank account and credit cards. I can open a new account and have my pay sent there but how do we close the joint account without her written consent or stop her draw more money out?

You don't have to Close the Joint account at all, You just have your own Acct for your check to be Deposited into and then have the Joint Acct as the Household Fund.
Since she is Not working and Refusing to work, even part time , then you of course must take care of the Bills. The Rent or House payment, Kids clothes and things, Food . ETC.

I normally am against " Allowances " for Spouses, but this instance seems to call for one. This is so you will not be taken to the Cleaners, should your marriage fail. Depending on your Country or State, there is Spousal Support and or Alimony. She now has 16 years of not working, never wanting to work and relying on you for her Money for Survival.

In most Alimony States here in USA, It is decided by what the " Person , usually Woman " is accustomed to. And that is a sad thing, unless the Man cheats and is a True Scum of the Earth .

You don't seem that way , so lower the " Accustomed To ". Here is the Budget !!
This is "Play Money/ Spoil Money " for yourself. This is the Money for OUR BILLS we have acquired Together.

I'm not one to Judge, but you seem to have more of a Mistress than a Wife. Can you afford Both ? I am sure if ( and am in No Way advocating it or Suggesting it ).

That if you had a Mistress and she spent your Money and gave you Nothing back. You would soon find another Woman who would " put out " either for the Money & Comfort or just be happy to be with you and feel Lucky you could afford Weekend Getaways and other Romantic things to do in between the " Kids and House ".

Again, I can't judge here as I am not in the Situation, but , cutting the Budget and living within Means is something I would do. Take care of the Immediate bills, and Needs. But cut down the Extra Spending on " Self or Couple".
If a weekend Away feels like it is a Bribe or Trying to get Closer to Each other and Does not Work,

Eliminate the weekends away, save that money for the Future. Either a 2nd Honeymoon or a Divorce. Hopefully the First .

**Honda Dude** · 01-10-2012 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by Tod121

I have read many views on sex toys and (correct me if Im wrong) the general idea is that a women can use a vibrator to masturbate WITHOUT her husband around as a quick "fix" just as long as it doesnt replace sex with her partner, would you agree?
My wife and I have had sex less than 6 times in the past 6 months and she told me in July that she had bought some sexy lingerie, a porn DVD and "something to play with", but despite my interest, I have only seen the lingerie twice, the DVD has never made an appearance and she only got the vibe out the once for about 10 minutes and never to be seen again, even though I said it was very sexy and she said it was amazing. Dont get me wrong, although I have always expressed an interest in lingerie I would never have suggested or encouraged porn dvds and "toys". I have found out that she has used it while I wasnt around and despite attempts to improve our relationship with greater conversation and trying to do more things on our own (date nights, etc) and as a family unit, our relationship is really struggling to improve.
If using a vibe as a quick fix is OK if everything else is fine, what if it replaces sex with a partner

. I dont think I really need to ask though.

Ever think of this, now im a guy and I dont know you, so dont take it personal, How is your attitude toward her ? Do you treat her with respect and show you care, all the time ? We all have bad days, just as long as it is all the time. Could be she doesnt want sex because of your attitude, or even hygiene ?

**Tod121** · 01-16-2012 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by missinthelove

I too feel your pain. My situation is a little bit backwards though. For the past year me and my fiance have benn having sex problems, he watches porn and never wants to have sex. We finally talked about it one night and he told me he wasn't physically or sexually attracted to me. I am a little bit over weight so I thought that might be what it is, I've been trying everything I can to lose weight. For christmas he bought me a vibrator and its been well over 2weight months since we've had sex. All in all we make a wonderful couple, im just missing thr intimate part of the relationship. To know he rather watch porn then have sex with me and when we do have sex it makes me feel like he is forcing himself to have sex with me. He thinks that since he bought me a vib foor christmas it'll be fixed and I wont bug him anymore.......

I do sympathise with you, its very distressing to think of your partner preferring someone or something else over you. How long have you 2 been together? I have been with my wife now for almost 20 years, sex and life in general was pretty much faultless for the 1st 3 years until we had our 1st of 3 children, over night she lost interest in sex but our relationship has become weaker by the year and in the last 6 months it is now the worst it has ever been, despite the odd hug there seems to no longer be any closeness at all. I think it is safe to say we all masturbate but it shouldn't be instead of making love to your partner, you need to tell him that the vibe he bought you is ok but when is he gonna use it on you, if he's not interested give him the elbow before you end up years down the line wondering why you didn't leave sooner (probably like so many others, when you hit your 40's, or is that just me being cynical?).

**Tod121** · 01-16-2012 06:56 AM

Originally Posted by BabyGirl

You don't have to Close the Joint account at all, You just have your own Acct for your check to be Deposited into and then have the Joint Acct as the Household Fund.
Since she is Not working and Refusing to work, even part time , then you of course must take care of the Bills. The Rent or House payment, Kids clothes and things, Food . ETC.

I normally am against " Allowances " for Spouses, but this instance seems to call for one. This is so you will not be taken to the Cleaners, should your marriage fail. Depending on your Country or State, there is Spousal Support and or Alimony. She now has 16 years of not working, never wanting to work and relying on you for her Money for Survival.

In most Alimony States here in USA, It is decided by what the " Person , usually Woman " is accustomed to. And that is a sad thing, unless the Man cheats and is a True Scum of the Earth .

You don't seem that way , so lower the " Accustomed To ". Here is the Budget !!
This is "Play Money/ Spoil Money " for yourself. This is the Money for OUR BILLS we have acquired Together.

I'm not one to Judge, but you seem to have more of a Mistress than a Wife. Can you afford Both ? I am sure if ( and am in No Way advocating it or Suggesting it ).

That if you had a Mistress and she spent your Money and gave you Nothing back. You would soon find another Woman who would " put out " either for the Money & Comfort or just be happy to be with you and feel Lucky you could afford Weekend Getaways and other Romantic things to do in between the " Kids and House ".

Again, I can't judge here as I am not in the Situation, but , cutting the Budget and living within Means is something I would do. Take care of the Immediate bills, and Needs. But cut down the Extra Spending on " Self or Couple".
If a weekend Away feels like it is a Bribe or Trying to get Closer to Each other and Does not Work,

Eliminate the weekends away, save that money for the Future. Either a 2nd Honeymoon or a Divorce. Hopefully the First .

Many thanks for the advice, the complication for me at the moment is to know when to approach the banks and the general money side of things, my Mum was saying to act NOW but I dont want to do anything now that IS the nail in the coffin to our relationship nor do I want her to clear me out, Im just waiting for the right time (and hopefully not wait til its too late!).

**Tod121** · 01-16-2012 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by Honda Dude

Ever think of this, now im a guy and I dont know you, so dont take it personal, How is your attitude toward her ? Do you treat her with respect and show you care, all the time ? We all have bad days, just as long as it is all the time. Could be she doesnt want sex because of your attitude, or even hygiene ?

No one's perfect and yes I can get moody and clam up if I'm pee'd off but generally Im a nice guy who trys to be thoughtful, remembering to buy flowers and tell my wife she looks nice \ hot depending on what she is wearing, etc. Blokes around me pretend to be sick when I tell them what Ive done and the women tell me they'd be over the moon if their husbands did stuff like I do. As for hygiene, well I tend to spend longer in the bathroom than she does and consider myself very clean and tidy.