Ladies please help - need a woman's perspective. G/F has no sex drive but loves me

**DerbyshireMan** · 01-04-2012 03:15 PM

My girlfriend (37) says she has no inclination to have any sexual activity with me whatsoever but still loves and fancies me. I'm confused as and feel rejected. I've tried to talk to her about it and it causes her to get cross with me saying I need to accept it and let her deal with it.

I told her that it affects me too and its something we need to fix.

She has agreed she will speak with her GP but alone - without me there.

Previously we had a relatively normal sex life (we only see each other at weekends due to work keeping me 140 miles from her mid week) in that we'd do it once or twice in a weekend which kept me happy. In the early months it was sometimes 5,6 or 7 times a night which was awesome but probably not sustainable long term!

I'm someone who needs to feel loved. Saying she loves me is just 3 words but not backed up with any emotion or physical contact they have very little meaning.

I love her with all my heart and could not and would not even think for a second about cheating on her or being without her. We need to make this work - I need your help ladies as being a bloke, I'm having difficulty understanding where her head is at and what the likely outcome will be over what time period.

We made love only once over the Christmas holidays and during a late night "chat" about her lack of libido she said "I only did it for you, not for me" which made me feel totally awful.

I'm at my wits end and it's making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

**jns** · 01-04-2012 07:15 PM

It is unlikely that it is about you. Has she given you any clues about her change of heart?

**rcoreyus** · 01-04-2012 10:56 PM

Sex is a critical part of a loving relationship. Work with her to see if you can fix this, but don't wait too long. I was in a similar situation, waited 25 years for things to improve. They finally did - but was it worth a third of my life spend frustrated, unhappy and resentful?

**DerbyshireMan** · 01-05-2012 12:18 AM

Originally Posted by jns

It is unlikely that it is about you. Has she given you any clues about her change of heart?

She said it's because she hates her body. Before that, she had migraines which were crippling for her, and more recently she has had a bad back due to slipping on holiday this summer. Headaches and back are all OK now.

When I've tried to initiate sex and get her in the mood (which used to work) all I get is "I'm tired" or "can we just go to sleep and do it tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes. She refuses to go to bed at a reasonable time such that we could cuddle up and let one thing lead to another because she "isn't ready for bed yet" - "let's watch another SVU episode on TV". By 3am we are both too tired to contemplate anything other than sleep.

I asked if the staying up late is a diversionary tactic but she assures me it isn't.

I've asked her out "on a date" for Saturday night. The kids will be staying at friends houses. I've banned the TV, the iPad etc. said we need some "us time" so we are going for a nice Italian meal and will have to see what happens. I text her after I wrote the initial thread and suggested the date after reading other threads on here. Her reply was "That's a great idea babe, I love you xxxxx" followed by "you won't put any pressure on me, will you?".

Am I wasting my time trying to fix this and do I need to put it in her hands hoping that she will see sense and realise that without a fix, I am miserable and eventually she might lose me? I came out of a sexless 12 year marriage before getting with her and cannot go through that again.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2012 02:56 AM

5,6 or 7 times a night which was awesome but probably not sustainable long term!

That's called lust.. but also that many times? At some point a woman can feel used as well, like is that all I am there for? It's sex... Intimacy is not 5,6,7 times a night every night, it wears off and a woman feels used.

That's a great idea babe, I love you xxxxx" followed by "you won't put any pressure on me, will you?".

She either does love you or has lost interest feeling herself like a sex object,OR, just has had alot of things going on in her life, whilst you have tried to re-gain the nightly event not understanding totally and as such, the time has dragged on and so, she has lost interest in sex (shall we call it intimacy) that bond, the love, when did you hug her for no reason, stand by her through the pain and just hold her, never thinking of your needs? Making her feel it's ok, omg he loves me? Just asking for your own benefit.

Am I wasting my time trying to fix this and do I need to put it in her hands hoping that she will see sense and realise that without a fix, I am miserable and eventually she might lose me? I came out of a sexless 12 year marriage before getting with her and cannot go through that again.

If you feel you are wasting your time there is no emotions there, I am sorry but stating that suggests that. Adding that she will lose you, she already knows that you have already told her that you were in a sexless marriage for 12 years...

You need to if you don't mind ask yourself why your wife gave you no sex for 12 years and then why this woman has stopped... What are you doing to assist create this? Emotions, love, holding, hugging, kissing with nothing in return making a woman feel loved, beautiful creates "intimacy a bond" not sex.

She is right a date night is needed more than once, too.

She is right, don't pressure her you know I assume how to masterbate... Do it.

The word love is used so flipently these days... It is real if you want it to be but it takes work like everything, not if she doesn't I'm gone.

Think about it.

**ItsASecret** · 01-05-2012 09:59 AM

Her reply was "That's a great idea babe, I love you xxxxx" followed by "you won't put any pressure on me, will you?".

This is exactly the appropriate step you need to take. Things like making time for you and your wife, she clearly wants to do that based on her excitement...there are men who try this and get no response from their wives. However if you pressure her she will feel like "well he did not actually want to spend dinner time together he wants sex". If you remind her that you are not looking for sex, and be genuine about it, and let her know that you just want to spend some quality time together you can restore her faith that you are not just trying to get in her pants. If she does not trust your intentions then you will be going nowhere and any nice idea you come up with will be met with "you just want sex don't you?". I know when my bf does something like take my out for a nice dinner after some very stressful exams but does not mention in any way that he wants sex later I will feel a lot more trusting of his feelings and that trusting can lead to sex by my doing. But when he continually prods for sex, "we should go upstairs and do it", "how come you don't want to jump me right now?" (while I am in the middle of studying for a final exam), "after we go to dinner lets have sex"....no...no...no. I like things to lead to one another but if it is just that prodding I lose all interest in doing it.

**DerbyshireMan** · 01-05-2012 11:14 AM

Hi and thanks for your comments so far.

Just to clarify - we always hold hands when we walk around in the town or in the park, I am constantly reminding her how hot she looks - how nice her hair is, how much I love her etc. I am always kissing her as she walks past me in the house etc. But it is always me initiating even that contact - I cannot remember the last time she came up and kissed or hugged me.

She left her last BF partly because he never wanted sex - he was always too tired or when she told him she wanted it he felt "under pressure" and couldn't perform. Sex was an important factor for her when we first got together and it wasn't all lust. We would make love just as often as we would f**k, and there was always lots of mutual masturbation and oral sex too in those days. She would literally jump on me - my feelings for her have grown and grown even more since the early days, but hers to me at least outwardly seem to have diminished.

I don't doubt that she loves me, like I said, I'm just feeling hurt at the moment because when she's being saying "no I'm too tired" she actually meant "no I have no inclination to get intimate with you" as she was able to watch TV until 3am on each occasion. Almost like she was avoiding going to bed to avoid intimacy. Now I'm worried that when we eventually do have sex again it will be a "mercy shag" because she feels sorry for me, and that it won't be a regular thing.

Us guys then have this issue (I know I do) in that when you feel that a girl really isn't doing it out of love but more so as a favour, it tends to be over very quickly, then I think there's something wrong with me and develop a complex, when in reality in the past when it was obvious she was doing it out of love and intense sexual desire, we've gone for ages and she has climaxed a few times before I came and I am one of the lucky few men who keep their boner after ejaculation so I am ready for more right away

I'm feeling less down in the dumps already after reading the female perspectives on this - thanks girls x I was so worried that she was losing interest in me and about to leave me. Incidentally she wants me to leave my highly paid job in the south and move to the Midlands to be with her all of the time and I guess I've been hesitant in throwing away a 20 year career with a global company partly because I need some reassurance that things will all be OK. Plus I need to find another job with similar pay so I can support my kids and us as a family.