Thread: Sexually frustrated

I don't know if my husband has any medical issues. I am just speculating as he is 16 years older than me and there is a natural testosterone decline after age 40. I mean, is it normal to only desire sex once a month? Even when a woman is throwing herself at you, you are more interested in surfing the channels on TV! If your wife put on sexy lingerie, would you continue to sit in front of the TV until you fell asleep instead of coming to bed? I think I have a fairy decent body, althought having kids and breast feeding does some damage that is irreversible. I am not overweight. I work out. I know I can be naggy at times, but I'm really trying to work on it. But getting very little help from my partner in raising the kids can make any woman naggy. I am curious as to how often other married couples have sex.

Does he have a stressful job or going through a stressful situation? Sometimes when guys get stressed they shut people out. Does he seem depressed at all? A healthy diet and decent sleep help the libido too. Does he exercise?

Also, have you sat down and just asked him WHY he doesn't want to have sex ever?

Originally Posted by sp346

I have been with my husband 11 years and I have always had a greater sex drive than him. But after having kids, its gotten worse. He is content with having sex in the usual way once a month. I would like it a couple times a week. In my 30s now, I am feeling more sexually open and want to explore more. He, on the other hand, doesn't like change. I've tried to suggest different things, I have sexy lingerie that he likes, but nothing. He is just content cuddling while I want sex - any type of sex.

There may be some medical issues as he is a lot older than me, and he was talked about it, but getting him to see a doctor about it is another matter. In the mean time, I am completely frustrated. My last thoughts going to bed and first waking up is sexual. At work I am constantly fantasizing. I have started watching porn, even though I don't really care of it. Its hampering my ability to function properly. I don't know how to deal with this. Masturbating just doesn't give me the same satisfaction. If anything, it just makes me hornier. I need to figure out a way to handle this sexual frustration so my days aren't obessed over sex and can function more efficiently.

Have you told him all these things?
In as non-accusatory way as possible? If he were to sit down and read what you wrote,, he'd be upset at first, perhaps, but he'd certainly have to be concerned. And why doesn't he want to get a medical check-up? There's a simple test for low testosterone, and it could very well be that is what's afflicting him.
And it's a very easily-treatable condition, but without treatment not only does it lead to things like ED and low libido, but also loss of muscle mass and even osteoporosis.
So tell him, that, like in the Nike adverts:
"Just Do It!"

We've talked, or more like I've done the talking and he doesn't respond. So we are at a point were I just keep making comments like "What's the point in having the lingerie, its not like you want to have sex with me" to which he doesn't respond. I used to ask him why. I used to think it was because I had put on some weight after the kids were born and didn't really take care of my looks like before. So this past year, I have been working on changing that. I even really tried to not nag at him so much thinking maybe that was a turn-off. But its still the same. He denies that he isn't attracted to me and when he initiates sex, its really good. But its always in the middle of the night when he wakes up with an erection. Its been years since he actually initiated things where he wasn't already aroused or half asleep. I'm at a point where I am scared to initiate things because of the fear of being rejected again. Just the other day, he was sitting on the couch surfing the TV channels, not really watching anything. So I straddled him and started nibbling on his ear. He just continued surfing the channels. Finally I got frustrated and got up and started walking away. His response was "you're not going to watch TV with me?" I was so upset, I said, "if anybody else's wife did that to them, they would be all over her. How can you be so uninterested." He just continued watching TV. It didn't even seem to bother him that I was upset.

He does have a stressful job and works long hours, but that's just the way our lives have always been. I also work full time and go to grad school full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Regardless of how tired I was, I have never denied him. Maybe I am too available? Even during vacations, he is not interested. He eats pretty healthy. Wish he would workout more, but he is not a couch potato.

I don't know if its a medical issue because he is not even interested in kissing me. He hasn't given me an open mouthed kiss in years. He likes to cuddle at night and give me hugs, but I want more than that. I also need a way to deal with the sexual frustration I am feeling as it is hampering my ability to function.

Would you ever considered marriage counseling? Maybe it will help unveil why there is such a disconnect.

My sympathy. I always sympathise with people like you as I suffered a lot myself in the past. As I have said on another thread here, sex is something you can/should expect from your partner. I don't have problems with understanding why a woman may not want ot be penetrated sometimes(the opposite of what you want !) but why can't people understand that their partner needs regular sex. iF they can't/won't understand then maybe they are the wrong partner for them. Sounds harsh, but we simply can't ignore our bodily needs.

i totally know how you feel. my husband is similer. i try to do all kinds of things to get him to do it with me, but it almost never works. i guess i just have to accept that we don't have much of a sex life. you should maybe try it too.