What is reasonable with regard to regularity of sex?

**Thomas Hepburn** · 01-22-2012 03:20 AM

Numerous threads have brought this up and we all have our views. But how often is reasonable and fair to expect sex with your partner in a solid loving relationship? Should you expect sex once a week, twice a month, whatever?

**jns** · 01-22-2012 06:35 AM

It should be what is communicated and compromised on between the partners. The compromise should not be set in stone nor should it be all one side or all the other, rather a reasonable compromise between the two sides. If one side or the other wants everything their way (no compromise) they should allow their partner to find fulfillment elsewhere.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-22-2012 11:03 AM

I don't think one should ever 'expect' sex out of a good loving intimate relationship... expectations, putting a number on it.. diminishes the spontaniety and could make it seem like a chore to either partner... and even if you don't tell your partner, expecting it a certain number of times puts up this mental ticker that you will obsess over whether or not the goal is being met... which is no way to be happy.

To me its more about the right moment, and If I want more than I am getting I CREATE more 'right' moments

I can tell when my boyfriend 'needs me' sexually and unless I'm feeling increddibly unsexy, I'm on it. He can tell when I am feeling in need of him and unless he's very tired.. he is on it as well. But for the most part, either him or myself makes or creates a moment, or we create one together and that usually ends up varying our tally from every day to every other day, to a couple times a week, to the rare week where its only once... but I can tell you this, on those weeks that its dwindled, we both notice and one or both of us usually starts creating more 'moments' to get each other in the mood.

**jns** · 01-22-2012 11:40 AM

Let me take up the idea of something being a chore. I had chores as a kid that I could not get out of. As an adult, going to work and bringing in an income is a chore at times. So is shopping and many other things. Taking care of chores is not a bad thing. It keeps everything on an even keel. Not doing them causes trouble one way or another. Yes, maybe I'd rather be a lazy slob and not do some of them, but I would have less of a life if I did. Therefore I have no problem with chores.

Spontaneity is also not needed although it is nice. What is needed on both sides is to understand their partner's needs and wants and have a willingness to work in the direction of making them happy in the relationship. That doesn't mean discounting everything they are doing so as to not having to do something themselves in return. But it doesn't have to be quid pro quo. Selfishness can come in many forms and so can not compromising.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-22-2012 05:32 PM

I think sex not being a chore is majorly important and I think spontanity is essential because those are some of the main reasons people get bored in their relationships or start wanting to step outside of them. The thrill, anticipation and excitement of it all. Its not just a new body that inspires it... its being tired of the predictable same old same old of the routine. Of course chores have their place in my opinion, but not the bedroom. While chores are needing to get things done, they are never something that people are thrilled about, look forward to etc... its the you HAVE to do in order for life to run smooth... I personally don't want to feel like that about the funnest part of the relationship :P

**sp346** · 01-23-2012 09:32 AM

Most of a relationship is about communication and compromise/negotiation. So I don't see anything wrong with have an expectation of how much sex. Spontanity is nice, but I don't think it needs to be there for every sexual encounter. There is nothing wrong with planning. There are so many things we do in a relationship that we don't really like but do it to make the relationship work (like being nice to in-laws, etc). Giving into sex seems like such a small compromise. Its one of the fun things that you are compromising on. What would you rather do, have sex when you're not in the mood or deal with his not-so-pleasant mother? My personal feeling (and this is just me), I would rather give into sex than deal with toilet seats left up, dirty socks on the floor, watching TV in bed and all his other annoying habits that I have learned to live with.

**rcoreyus** · 01-24-2012 11:23 PM

OK, I'll go way out on a limb here. I think there is some level of sex that it is reasonable to expect in a relationship. Its not that someone should feel that they are "required" to provide sex, but when you are in a long term relationship sex is one of the many things that it is reasonable to expect. It goes along with your partner helping you when you need it, taking care of you when you are sick, spending time with you enjoying yourselves, being generally affectionate. None of these are required, but all should be expected. I think that if someone is not able to have sex with their partner a couple of times a week is justified in feeling that things are not as they should be.

**dlanier248** · 01-25-2012 09:00 AM

Personal I say once a week. Women wonder why thier man gets so grumpy, IMHO this is one reason. Think of it like a (deer)Buck in rut. After a dry spell, some men get grumpy. I know I do. Besides, when a man goes way out of his way to be romantic and wants to be cuddley, why is that an issue?

**stariana** · 01-25-2012 09:09 AM

in my opinion, it depends on the relationship, and the partners involved. my ex-husband and i?? maybe once every few months, IF that! the relationship i'm in now? 3-5 times a week

**Little** · 01-25-2012 09:12 AM

It really depends on the situation - RC mentions a couple of times a week, but if the couple lives a VERY busy life with small children, that's nearly impossible.
It is a PERSONAL issue, unique to each couple, and people aren't going to agree. I expect to have sex at least 4-6 times per month (that's the busy life with a small child talking) but not necessarily once or more each week. There are going to be highs and lows in a normal relationship, particularly when hormone cycles are taken into accord.