Thread: Sex at a stand still

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and over the last 8 months our sex life has really declined. We probably only have sex once a week...if that. It's extremely frustrating on my end because I am a very sexual person so to only get it once a week is pretty brutal. I know he is attracted to me and when we do have sex it's always amazing! Which makes it even more frustrating as to why we only have it once a week?? What's worse is that when i make sexual advances (i.e., initiate intercourse, try and give him a blow job), he will flat out deny me and say something like, "Not right now" or "I'm really tired". At first I was understanding, but now that it has been going on so long it's been a real shot to my self-esteem and confidence. When we first started dating and would have sex the lights would be on, we'd be in crazy positions, and I was confident and felt sexy. Now we do it with the lights out and I am nervous, even anxious to the point where i'm tense and it's hard for me to relax and enjoy it. On top of all this is the fact that I have to do all the work. He'll rarely go down on me, touch me, caress me, kiss me. He's so passive, it's like having sex with dummy. There are no sounds, no groans, or moans of pleasure...he really has me wondering if he enjoys it all anymore. I mean...he must, because he always orgasms, so why the lack of interest and passion? I'm so stumped on this one. We've had numerous discussions about it and I've been nothing but open and honest with him about what I want from our sexual relationship and he makes promises to work on it, but nothing ever transpires. It's been the same old excuses. He's also very defensive and hard on himself and puts himself down when I bring the issue up. He'll say things like "I know I suck" or "I'm the worst boyfriend ever" and I never say anything like that to him. I'm starting to wonder if he has issues with his own self-esteem. He's so handsome and smart though and I am always telling him that and how sexy he is. I try to make him feel good and I wish he could do the same for me.

Aside from the sex, he's an amazing guy, which is probably why i've stuck it out this long with him. If he wasn't a great guy he would've been gone a long time ago.

Any thoughts?

There have been a lot of threads about this sort of problem - its depressingly common (for men and women). From your description, its very unlikely something you are, or are not doing, its his problem. Is there anything medical going on - is he on some medication? Any big stress in his live - job, school, family? Any other relationship issues - thinking or talking about marriage, kids etc? Was it a gradual decline or did it happen fairly suddenly?

Sex is very important for a relationship, this is not a small problem that you can just ignore.

I am your boyfriend in my relationship. I know my fiance wants to have sex all the time and usually I would too, but lately I have been so stressed out about work, school, planning a wedding, finances, losing weight for a trip to Mexico and for my wedding etc... it's very hard to even have room in my mind to THINK about sex. I feel absolutely horrible for it because I know it's important to my fiance and it makes him feel like he isn't good enough or attractive, whichi in turn makes me even MORE stressed out. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I will ever be less stressed and as carefree and sexual as I used to be. I think I will be, once my situation changes a little (done with school, finances get more settled down, wedding is over)...but for now, I am trying to push my stresses out of my mind and pleasure my fiance. It's just hard sometimes because I'm so inside my head all the time.

Perhaps this will ring a bell at all??? Is your boyfriend stressed out, worried about anything?? Does he have any insecurities about his body??