Thread: Can't figure out why he doesn't orgasm?!?

Hello everyone…

I am a long time reader, but this is my very first post. I suppose I thought I would either find a similar discussion in all the past threads or someone else would raise topic. Since I haven’t seen either, here it goes…

I have been with my boyfriend for just about a year. We are both in our forties... All is really wonderful – he’s loving, caring, amazingly attractive, and a super, wonderful lover. The one aspect of our sex life that puzzles me, however, is he rarely will orgasm or cum when we have sex. Perhaps I am being narrowed minded, but every lover I have *ever* been with orgasmed during sex and usually through penetration.

Most of you would probably wonder why this is even a concern for me, but I’ve always expected to be satisfied during sex and, in turn, ensured my partner was too. My “gauge” for a man’s satisfaction has always been that he achieved orgasm and ejaculated. Since that isn’t happening with my present partner on a regular basis, I cannot help but wonder if I am not pleasing him, or if he is truly enjoying sex. And, on the occasions he does, he usually orgasms or ejaculates only I am giving him a hand job, oral, or a combination of both.

I have asked him about this, and he’s a bit evasive in providing a direct answer. He says he loves me and loves my body and the sex. However, if I have orgasmed and then want to focus on his, he will often just stop the session and jokingly say “No baby, we’re good for now.” So… any ideas? Or do any of you experience the same?

Thanks in advance for your responses!

Its not that uncommon (and a problem I have had). If he is enjoying himself, then don't worry about it. It is rather like erection problems in that the more he worries about it, the worse it will get. Just enjoy yourselves and there is a good chance it will just go away by itself. Also, some men reach orgasm easier through other things than intercourse.

The other possibility is that it is a sign of stress about something - possibly unrelated to your sex life.

Orgasm and ejaculation are two different things (yes, I assume you know that...), so it is possible to orgasm without ejaculation.

How often does he masturbate? You might have a candid discussion about his self pleasuring habits and ask him to stop doing it for a couple of weeks. When men masturbate their grip is like no other, so you may not be able to 'match' the 'grip' he is use to and therefore, he may not be able to 'get off' during intercourse.

As you also know, I assume, it's all about friction, especially to the underside of his penis, where the head meets the shaft (frenelum?), also known as the 'man clit'. So you may want to dry different positions that apply greater friction to this area...doggie is great!!

If he is currently a frequent masturbater, you/he together may have to 'retrain' his penis to get use to the feeling of you and the friction you provide versus the 'death grip' friction that he provides himself.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for your responses… Rcoreyus - I think this experience being so different than prior ones (albeit very satisfying for me) has led me to feel a bit insecure. It’s helpful to hear that there are other factors that may play a role; or simply it’s still good and satisfying for him.

And you raised some really good points Seeker – I will further the discussion with him on the topic of masturbation. I know he’s stated in the past he could go for long spells without doing so, and I was amazed to hear it. I had always thought most, if not all, men generally did so on a regular basis. Then again, every person is different. It would be interesting to know if that has changed?? I will have to find out…

I think it's awesome that you're so crazy about him and vice versa. And that he sees to it you're pleased. But I'd feel exactly like you do about him not ejaculating. I know everyone tells us gals there is a difference between the male orgasm and ejaculation, but apparently all of the guys I've been with experience theirs simultaneously. We've all been trained to know that the heavier breathing, increased moaning, tensing up of the body and uncharacteristic explitives (lol) result in the guy ejaculating then going into snooze mode (symbolic of "I'm spent!") That's what always happens...that's what we're accustomed to...so meeting a man in your 40's and for the first time ever not being able to experience that "explosion" has got to be difficult.

I know you said he's evasive in providing an answer, but what exactly is he saying? He may just be such an unselfish lover that he only cares if you get pleased. But at the same time that is unselfish, he's also depriving you of what is a very rewarding and wonderful experience with him. Just like it makes a man feel good to bring his woman to climax, it makes us women feel good to watch our man climax. AND he's depriving himself as well. There must be some trick to getting this guy to cum.....

Unfortunately it can become a bit more elusive as we age. There have certainly been times when my wife and I have longed for those days in our early twenties when we could go fast and furious for 10 minutes and be done. It could be health issues (prostrate, diabetes etc.), some ed drugs may also cause the ejaculate to go back into the bladder to be discharged later. He likely has an idea of the reason, but as others have said, don't press him about it and let it become a bigger psychological hurdle.

I know exactly how ou feel, Stonewall. I have been with my man for 10 years and can count on one hand the number of times he's orgasmed during sex (the count is higher when masturbating). He's always been on various medication (depression & chronic pain) which may well be the reason, but whatever it is, I've always felt a little disappointed. Not to the point where it harms our r/shp, b/c it doesn't. He loves sex and enjoys it immensely so if he's happy in that regard, so am I. But on a selfish note I'd love to be able to 'get him off' during oral sex or penetration, but it seems doomed never to be.

If your guy doesn't have medical issues which may impede him climaxing, then perhaps it is something psychological - whatever it may be he's the one who needs to want to try and fix it. A guy can get immense pleasure from sex without actually ejaculating, so if you're getting what you need physcially and he appears happy with things, there isn't really much you can do.

Just to be sure, it's a good idea for a man in his 40's to have his prostate checked...I wasn't sure based on what you wrote if he simply prefers certain forms of stimulation, or, if it's a physical issue in general. A DRE (Digital Rectal Exam, finger in the anus to feel the prostate) is important for all men over 40 to have, just to make sure the texture of the organ feels as it should and to make sure there isn't anything mechanical going on.

Meds and other factors will also affect this, as others have written.

Speaking from experience, as someone who's had prostate issues, and have resolved them. It's a huge topic, so I thought I'd at least reference any possible medical concern. Hope things work out for you and the boyfriend...if he's getting sex from you regularly, complete with oral, how can he NOT be happy! (Trust me, he IS)

Thanks again everyone for your feedback and replies… It has been really helpful to me to get validation and insight from both the men and women on this forum.

I know he’s had a recent full physical and all checked out well (including the prostate ). As well, I did have the opportunity to touch upon this subject with him over the weekend, and he was surprised with the concern I had - all coming from a good place of ensuring he’s satisfied. He said he never was with anyone that seemed to think or worry about it.

Happily, he was very reassuring and said it just was never a big deal whether he orgasmed/ejaculated or not; his pleasure was derived mostly from the intimacy of sex and seeing his partner was satisfied. Go figure – I suppose I am the one who needs to shift my paradigms and thank my lucky stars I’ve got a guy that feels this way!! He even shared that he would hold back because it intensified the occasions when he would. In any event, with the concern lifted, I will certainly be enjoying sex that much more…

I'm like your bf in rarely having an orgasm - by any means - but by "rarely" I mean about once every 5 - 7 days if having sex on a regular basis. But when I don't, it's not a big deal and does not detract (well, not too much...) from the pleasure of the experience. And I am in near-perfect health and fairly good shape.
I know it concerns my gf, as you are concerned, but she's learned to take advantage of it...