Stress and Sex Drive

**Little** · 02-03-2012 02:52 PM

I feel like there is a LOT of stuff piled up on you right now. With every post it seems like there is more and more and more and ...

Frankly, I wouldn't blame you if you ran screaming into the woods right now. I feel like these issues - including your lack of sexual desire - are going to be seriously toned down when some of your stresses are behind you. In the meantime, I suggest making time for sex ... actively trying in your own head to say yes sometimes. This helped me as I was adjusting to being a parent.

Though sexual imbalance between you is a serious issue, definitely assess its importance through a lens. You are so stressed right now it's practically radiating from my screen. That's bound to hurt everything around it.

**lizzardb63** · 02-03-2012 02:55 PM

I am just the type of person that doesn't take risks, so when something is non-predictible I obsess over it... I know I need to change that, but it's so hard to NOT feel what you DO feel. Ya know?? Bahh...I do this to myself too often.

Thanks for the advice though. I do appreciate someone taking the time to listen and put it into a different perspective.

**Texasred** · 02-03-2012 10:27 PM

Originally Posted by scottyboy

...The guilt trip that he lays on you is kind of juvenile and not at all fair to you, its kind of cruel and you really should address that with him...

It's NOT a "guilt trip" if that's what he feels and that's what he's thinking - with good reason, apparently! He went from a loving, sexual relationship to one in which the major focus seems to be "The Marriage," and who could blame him for feeling like maybe she doesn't love him so much as she loves the IDEA of having him?
This pending wedding just sounds like a disaster about to happen, if the OP can't derail her pre-occupation with herself and how "stressed" she is.
Gimme a break! The whole world is "stressed," and yet we deal with it.

Sorry, I know you wanted sympathy and all you got here was reality...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-04-2012 12:19 AM

Originally Posted by lizzardb63

I am just the type of person that doesn't take risks, so when something is non-predictible I obsess over it... I know I need to change that, but it's so hard to NOT feel what you DO feel. Ya know?? Bahh...I do this to myself too often.

Thanks for the advice though. I do appreciate someone taking the time to listen and put it into a different perspective.

Liz.. Obviously your fiance is a risk taker as he is going with the flow. The trip was already booked, wedding is planned or being planned.. He wants to enjoy life, sex is part of that, and honestly, relationships are also hard work, no different. You have to give to receive and you have to receive to give.

So basically I am worried about how we will pay for the wedding & the trip, if or when I will find a new job, where we will live after our lease is up, if we get the house loan and how that will all pan out, and trying to do good in school.

So you are a non-risk taker. You should know by now (8 months away) how you are going to pay for the wedding and the trip was planned in 2010. You two don't sit down and budget? Or work out what the wedding and trip is going to cost and work out how it will be paid, or else, put either/both off?

Things do happen in life but you also have to know where you are.. I understand that you don't and consequently it's fear, as far as all the things you are listing, that are worrying you.

I'm sorry guys but there is another persepective there, outside of sex.. That is why has a wedding been planned if there is no money to pay for it?

Love is the most important thing. People get married with ziltch but they have their wedding and they work towards building a life. They remain soulmates, they are bonded as two.. They have sex, and they laugh...

So, your answer to me is, wedding is off.. So is the holiday. Sit down both of you and realise this is ruining your relationship, you are supposed to be soulmates.

Then it's just the lease, move somewhere cheaper for 6 months, keep your schooling without stressing, find a part time job and start saving.

You guys are doing everything back to front.

Liz, both of you are to blame. He is also supposed to know what is affordable, what is not, and plan together.

Maybe if you come to the realisation that a piece of paper is not important it's being together that is, then you can both actually get back to where you were and enjoy your relationship and plan... like you are both meant to, your life, together .

As for thoughts over does stress affect sex? There is always the underlining factor of what is really going on... And, that here is what is creating the stress. You always need to take a step back Liz and look at things, honestly...

As, for you couldn't give him your all, if you were to give in? It's not giving in, it's making someone feel bonded... You don't have to be in the mood, but it's nice to give right? Isn't that what partnership is about?

I'd not take anything that anyone said to heart, as in nastily, although a border to me was had there by one of the members and I'm going to look at it as I have seen Little do on some occasions, that being tough love...

Not everyone can say what they mean rather try to get a point across in some form.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-04-2012 12:58 PM

I am not saying this is your situation.. but I see all too often through friends and associates how many women lose site of why their marrying or the love they feel, or even any sort of interest in their future life partner once the wedding planning stage begins. It becomes this all consuming force where nothing else matters but the notion of a perfect wedding and the immediate set up directly after.. the whole reason for WHY all that planning is going on is lost in the shuffle.

My advise would be to try to get back to where you were (emotionally) before marriage entered the picture, remember the butterflies and the blushing.. the feeling in your heart when you knew you found the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with... let your love be the first priority... the wedding is just a party... and the settlng in to your new life together, while it is a challenging stressful thing... let it be sometimes, don't waste all of your energy on putting together the perfect stress free picture. Life is not a perfect stress free picture, no amount of preparation is ever enough to not hit bumps... so prepare yes, but embrace the moments, don't lose sight of the love, the intimacy and the passion or else you will end up with just a picture of a perfect wedding, the signatures on a house closing or whatever... but the memories of the time doing all that... you don't want them filled with arguments distance and coldness...

**lizzardb63** · 02-06-2012 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by Texasred

It's NOT a "guilt trip" if that's what he feels and that's what he's thinking - with good reason, apparently! He went from a loving, sexual relationship to one in which the major focus seems to be "The Marriage," and who could blame him for feeling like maybe she doesn't love him so much as she loves the IDEA of having him?
This pending wedding just sounds like a disaster about to happen, if the OP can't derail her pre-occupation with herself and how "stressed" she is.
Gimme a break! The whole world is "stressed," and yet we deal with it.

Sorry, I know you wanted sympathy and all you got here was reality...

I am not looking for sympathy, but more for answers. I was wondering if I was alone on this...apparently according to you, EVERYONE feels how I feel and that I should suck it up. If that's the type of advice I am going to get, I won't bother asking anymore. I feel everyone has this all the wrong way...our relationship is great, but I was just curious if stress played a role in low libido, but I guess it comes down to we should call off the wedding??? I don't think so. I love him with all my heart, he loves me with all my heart. I am just dealing with some personal emotional issues and when things get hard, I'm just supposed to give up??? NO.

**acerousme** · 02-06-2012 11:11 AM

In response to what Texasred said : I dont think the wedding is going to be a disaster. If someone is stressed, the last thing they want to hear is "disaster".

Yes the whole world is stressed, and we all react to it differently. "Reality" could have been stated nicer. Worry warts dont need a "reality check". We need a voice of reason and kind words.

With that being said, I am closing this thread. Liz doesnt need anymore "reality checks"

Sorry, Liz...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-06-2012 01:54 PM

Relationships are all about give and take, I would make love to my wife every day if she wanted to but thats not a realistic expectation on my part. When we first got together we too had sex all the time but now 13 years later its down to 4-5 times a week, trust me I am not complaining. The guilt trip that he lays on you is kind of juvenile and not at all fair to you, its kind of cruel and you really should address that with him. If you truly love him set him down and have a good heart to heart talk about what you are going through. This will be a time that he can show you how much he really loves you. Sex is great but there is so much more to a relationship. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are not weird you are just a human being like the rest of us, so very complicated yet so very simple. Good luck!

LOVE your take on this scotty. And this is probably why you have such a healthy sex life and happy relationship.

Wonderful advice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-06-2012 10:42 PM

Liz, I'd like you to re-read Scotty's, HD's and others.

You know that threads turn, so it's not going to only be about sex, stress and that some will post purely on their own "bad experiences" instead of what "may" assist you.

There was some honest thoughts there, that may help you..

Remember, you take with you what makes sense and you ignore what doesn't.. No point getting more stressed

CW

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