Stress and Sex Drive

**lizzardb63** · 02-02-2012 05:52 PM

Lately I have been super stressed out and having sex just seems like the farthest thing on my mind. My fiance is ALWAYS horny and would probably have sex every day if I would let it happen. When we first started dating we had sex all the time (that was around 2 years ago) but now it just seems so different. Maybe its because I've been feeling depressed and stressed lately, I am not sure.

It makes me feel even more guilty when I turn him down, because I don't want him to feel I don't find him attractive or don't love him anymore. A lot of times if I tell him that I just don't want to he says "I don't think you're as attracted to me as you used to be" or "I don't think you love me as much anymore"...which breaks my heart when he says those things. That is not it at all. I just am having a hard time bringing myself to feel sexy and horny. I don't know...am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? We are getting married in 8 months and this should be an exciting time for us, which it is, but I am just so stressed out. I can tell him that over and over, but he doesn't understand the stress I am going through. He has an easier time relaxing during tough situations, but I don't handle them so well...I have to know what's going to happen or what's going on, or I worry myself (which we have A LOT going on right now).

Does anyone have any advice on how to be as carefree and sexual as I used to be? I often wonder how I was so carefree back then, and am sort of envious of the past me, lol.

**jns** · 02-02-2012 08:39 PM

Stress can be a killer to a relationship. You and he should do what it takes to lower your stress level. He can help by making you laugh. He can make you laugh hard enough to have tears, can't he? Then things won't seem so bad.

**acerousme** · 02-02-2012 08:58 PM

Oh man, its like reading about myself.

I agree with JNS. You need to de-stress, doll.

One thing that always works for me? Theres a site called godvine...watch a few cuddly kittens! OR...(this is my secret) get nekkid in the house, and have a spa day. Stop the world, and get off! Turn off your cell, and just keep telling yourself "I dont have to think right now", followed by doing something you love.

I know how you feel. Sex when you are stressed sounds about as good as an epidural when you're healthy. No way. No how.

or you can always PM me

**chaya** · 02-03-2012 02:37 AM

I also feel you could be talking about me. I just can't get interested in sex anymore and my husbands interest is increasing. I don't often offer advice to others, I'm the one that usually needs advice; but in your case I'd like to caution you against marrying a man that has sexual needs much greater that yours. I see a divorce in my future because of this and even though I still love him, it's not fair to him or me to remain married to each other.

**scottyboy** · 02-03-2012 12:33 PM

Relationships are all about give and take, I would make love to my wife every day if she wanted to but thats not a realistic expectation on my part. When we first got together we too had sex all the time but now 13 years later its down to 4-5 times a week, trust me I am not complaining. The guilt trip that he lays on you is kind of juvenile and not at all fair to you, its kind of cruel and you really should address that with him. If you truly love him set him down and have a good heart to heart talk about what you are going through. This will be a time that he can show you how much he really loves you. Sex is great but there is so much more to a relationship. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are not weird you are just a human being like the rest of us, so very complicated yet so very simple. Good luck!

**lizzardb63** · 02-03-2012 02:12 PM

When I say I don't want to have sex he still holds me and cuddles with me like he normally would, but he just bugs me more about having sex when we don't have it for a few days. He doesn't mean to make me feel guilty at all and to him if I don't want to have sex with him for a week he feels I am not attracted to him anymore. He is the type of person where if he is in a stressful situation he can just play it cool and be all "whatever" about it... me?? I am a worrywart and stress over things probably more than I need to. I don't think our marriage is doomed just because I am stressed out over things right now and am having a hard time focusing only on that. I guess I feel if i had sex with him every day this week, I wouldn't be giving it the attention he deserves, and that's not fair to him. I guess I'll just have to work on it!

**acerousme** · 02-03-2012 02:25 PM

sweetheart, There is NOTHING you can do if you arent in the mood. Have you tried talking to him about the stresses?

Im a worry wart too, and it drives me NUTS when my man goes "Dont worry about it!"...its like..."ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME?!?!"

You need some relaxation tips, or someone that has a biased view to vent to. You know...someone that wont take sides. Someone to just...listen as you rant and rave, and then NOT put in opinons. Maybe start a "journal", and write down everything that bugs you. Then re-read it. That may help you with looking at things from a different angle?

**lizzardb63** · 02-03-2012 02:41 PM

He knows all about the stress.

1. I went to the personnel committee for my job to see if I could work for the city and still reside outside the city limits (They require everyone who works for the city to reside within the city limits) and they denied me.

2. I am trying to find a new job, hopefully before our lease is up.

3. We are trying to purchase is grandma's home, but he doesn't have the greatest credit, I have school loans, and his brother had to take a loan out and his grandma co-signed and used the house as collateral. So we won't be able to get the house until that's sorted out.

4. Our lease for the apartment is up on March 31st- where do we go from there? (he said I should move in with his grandma but I wouldn't feel comfortable)

5. If I don't find a new job, where do I live and if I do live back "home" how do I keep it a secret until I DO find another job.

6. I am planning a wedding, in the beginning his parents were going to help us out, but his dad's business burnt down and can no longer help us so we need to figure out where we are going to get the money for that

7. We are going on a trip to mexico in June and this has been planned since Christmas 2010 and we didn't expect for us to get engaged and all of this to happen, so now we have ot get that all sorted out too, and because of the vacation time from our jobs, we can't go on a honeymoon because we won't have enough vacation time to do so.

8. I am going to school full-time and as much as I'd love to take a break, if you take a break longer than 6 months you have to start paying your loans back, and I can't do that right now.

I honestly could go on about other things, but I am sure I bored you already! But, these are some of the stresses I have...and unfortunately they are big ones. Bah!! fklaudfioamrihgoa;fgjoiawnrgio;aerhl~!~~~~~!!!!!!! !!!

**lizzardb63** · 02-03-2012 02:46 PM

So basically I am worried about how we will pay for the wedding & the trip, if or when I will find a new job, where we will live after our lease is up, if we get the house loan and how that will all pan out, and trying to do good in school.

**acerousme** · 02-03-2012 02:50 PM

Okay...number 1 on your list? oh well...shirt happens. let that one go.

number two...dont stress too much. The right job is out there. It will come

3? Youve done as much as you can on that, so dont even think about it right now. that should be the last thing on your "to-do" list.

4) Your lease is up...find a better place...maybe inside the city or a bit closer, and then re-apply for #1?

5) see number 2

6) That can be number 4 on your to-do list. If the funds arent available, you may have to postpose things, but that doesnt mean the wedding is off, sweetpea!

7)VACATIONS ARE GOOD! Dont stress over that!!!

8) ONE THING AT A TIME!!!

Your plate is SO full, quit packing more onto it! You need to stop, and think about this, sweetheart. What can you change about the things going on in your life RIGHT THIS MOMENT? Deal with those first, and then move on.

Remember, dont sweat the small stuff (and its all small), any accomplishment is HUGE. Youre doing great! Youre under a lot of stress, and you're still getting things done!

Sounds to me like you need a plan? Start with things you can deal with now. Anything else? Forget about it for the time being. You dont need anymore stress!