Thread: My boyfriend has lost all interest in sex, yet loves pornography. Please help!

Ok as a guy, lets try and help,
A guy has sexual needs at times when his special one is not available or has other genuine concerns, also when we are adolescent the habit starts and its hard to break. For me at least its not about cheating.

Sometimes its also easier to just get rid of the energy - rather than go through a whole big thing (but nowhere near as good!!!)

Your guy does sound immature - the thing about video games - he is living in a box and thats a mistake - your a billion times more wonderful than his box, but he does not understand this - all the time.

I am an older guy, and when I was young I made a lot of mistakes, but also when I was with women (in the so called liberated sixties) they kind of just laid there and took it - you dont say much about your sex life, so I would not want to make presumptions about you, but do you share fantasies?
Another thing that young guys get wrong (the next bit is strictly my opinion) is that we either believe that we are the "man in the house" in the sense of the stronger/leader/ invulnerable, macho thing, or we believe we are equal. I think both things are wrong - as a woman you are more wonderful than him - you may wish to grant him equal rights, (sometimes ) and it is true that their are many senses which we are equal, but fundamentally you have the edge - not him. It takes us guys a long time years - to come to grips with this, to understand what we have in our arms is something more precious than we will ever be.
Their are many senses that he NEEDS to be led by you, he is less sensitive and perceptive, and his ideas about what is and what is not in your relationship are likely to be immature - in need of schooling.
Many women do not appreciate their own power in this respect, and I have found my partners struggle to come to terms with this, esp after being taught by culture that they are equal or worse second best, but when they do realise that a relationship revolves around them and not the other way around (ever) they double their happiness quota in a single leap and gain that je n'sais quoi that men long for.


Loris

Originally Posted by PixieDuzt

I bet that he doesn't have a really problem with porn

ALL evidence she has presented suggests otherwise.

in fact, your own observation:The fact is that he still has a sex drive and therefore is watching porn and masturbating to take care of that need. He does not feel the urge to go to his girlfriend of 3 years and have sex with her so he masturbates.

proves that he does have a problem. it's very likely NOT that he doesn't love her or even wants to love her, but that he has lost his ability to control that he loves porn more.

Dear Loveisabattlefield,

I agree with Pixieduzt, I think it is time to move on. Don't dwell on the porn issue, because I don't think that it is having a direct effect on the fact your boyfriend does not want you sexually anymore. I know this may seem harsh but you really need to communicate how unhappy you are and make your choice on the outcome. If he will not discuss things with you, the relationship is probably not worth fighting for. As said earlier people grow apart and that is just part of life - move on.

Whilhelm - sorry but you need to get a grip. Ok you don't agree with porn but do you really think that is the only and main problem in this poor girls relationship? You simply cannot say that anyone who watches porn has a problem with it!

Believe it or not, both frequent/excessive masturbation and video games are signs of adult ADD. Masturbation has been around a while longer than video games.

Originally Posted by scarlet

Whilhelm - sorry but you need to get a grip. Ok you don't agree with porn but do you really think that is the only and main problem in this poor girls relationship? You simply cannot say that anyone who watches porn has a problem with it!

hi scarlet. i can assure you my grip is rock solid.

even a surface inquiry into the empirical studies that have been done to disclose the impact porn has on viewers will reveal - very clearly - that disinterest in real sex is an altogether common side effect of compulsive use of porn for masturbation.

proclaiming that the guy has fallen out of love ignores the numerous other explanations that are much more likely to be at work.

i think that folks who watch porn are afraid to confront the irrefutable phenomena that give porn such a nasty reputation in our society - because in confronting those issues they will need to face the uncomfortable realization that they have accepted & embraced an unholsome & destructive thing.

and it's so much easier to dismiss the porn & just say the guy has other problems.

then I guess there must be something wrong with your relationship.. maybe he fell out of love... you better check on that... before it's too late..
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Originally Posted by LoveIsABattlefield

My boyfriend of 3 years won't hug, kiss, or have sex with me. We have lived together for about 3 years now, but we took our relationship very slow. He does not want to spend time with me. This has been going on for over a year now. I thought it was just a phase and he would get over it. I figured he had just lost his sex drive. (I don't know how if that happens?) But recently I caught him looking at porn and masterbating. I don't care if he looks at it, or masterbates, but he lies about it...

Well, clearly he is not interested in you as a woman at the moment (or a year ago when you posted this message) for all the normal reasons: three-year's itch... etc. Is that end of the world? Nah! You can win him back and make him happy to be with you again - if you truly love him and want to have him back! First, you need to understand *why* he is behaving like he is: bored, tired of the 'meat and potato' healthy meal you provide and craving for 'candies' and something new. It's normal for anyone to feel like that after three years, when both of you are becoming 'neutral' partners, as opposed to man and woman. Porn is the perfect fantasy land where we (men and women) find things that we will never have in reality. Fantasy or craving for something new is healthy human nature! It's ludicrous to simply say 'don't go there' and negatively suppress what is naturally human! Then, what should you do? ---- *Join him!!!* Yes, be willing to participate in his fantasy, and believe or not, you might have some fun as well while you at it! ;-) Then, he would soon discover that you are no longer the 'healthy meal' he is trying so hard to avoid. Instead, you are a partner in his fantasy, or even better, a PART of his fantasy...!!! Need I say more????

This was posted a year ago, do you honestly think the poster will read what you've written?

Look at the date before you post.

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

This was posted a year ago, do you honestly think the poster will read what you've written?

Look at the date before you post.

No I didn't expect the original poster to actually read it, I just thought there are others who may relate to the topic, like I did! But I didn't mean to post twice... sorry! I can't find the delete button.

Well, generaly netiqeutte (internet etiquette, obviously) dictates that it's bad to post on old threads, there's far more recent conversations about this topic so just post in one of those.

Just a hint for the future eh..