Thread: My boyfriend lies to me over and over about porn

Well, that's one of the better-put posts you've made.


I do indeed understand the negative aspects of pornography. Although the problem is maybe not with porn but with the human condition.

You're gonna get a lot of honesty here:

For various reasons I was always a loner, growing up, with NO female friends or interested parties. I kissed a couple of girls, none of it meaning anything, until I lost my virginity at 21. I had no youthful sexual innocence. All I had was a peaked sex drive (males peak at 18, women at 30 or so) and myself. Fanstasy and porn being the only release, I probably developed some sort of addiction for sexual release. Although it's difficult and perhaps over the top to call it an addiction, as it like saying that you're addicted to food and air.


Pornography (and indeed fantasy) does indeed progress, to harder (or at least different) things, to prevent boredom. This is much the same I'd imagine as real sex, since people often get bored with their own sex lives.

To be honest, this would've all probably turned out a bit differently had I had some loving partner when I was 16.

All of this basically means that my mind is a dirtier place than most, and my sex drive is still pretty full-on. Having sexual relations with a partner is great, and obviously better than sitting on your own watching imagary that is basically as degrading to yourself as it is to the performer, you know that moment of depressing clarity after an orgasm.. To be honest though, the sexual services that I recieve are not enough to quell my sex drive. If you have a stressed, tired girlfriend, she obviously won't be able to keep up with a young man close to his sexual peak. This doesn't mean that I will slow to her pace.

Another issue, I guess, is that the actual sexual stimulation that I recieve isn't as intense as what I can accomplish myself. There's a limit to how long I can let my girl work, before I feel guilty since she probably isn't enjoying it, getting jaw-ache, or whatever. She also can't handle sex for prolonged periods of time, liking it fast and then to be over. With that little time of actual stimulation, orgasms are not a fantastic thing.

Therefore the need for me to be able to satisfy myself as well. I can happily entertain myself for an hour, being an extremely gratifying sexual experience, albeit a completely different kind.

I can see that porn is a downward slope, and one that should be approached with caution, however it's not something that I'll just dismiss since I need satisfaction, and I'm not going to force more sex on my woman than she can handle, and if she want's to, say, be present while I masturbate, that puts again a level of pressure that reduces enjoyment.


In the posts beforehand I've pointed out that it is not anything like cheating, and explained why this is. This is an issue which a man faces himself, whether it kills and consumes his sexual appetite. It has not done this with me. It isn't something that the woman should get involved in. If it makes her feel ****, then it's her self confidence that needs work. If she isn't getting enough, then, and ONLY THEN, does it concer her. In my opinion.

If she's feeling jealous, she should "put out" more. But even then, a man needs his time alone. Unless the woman is ****ING good at what she does.

sure you need time alone. it's what you do when you're alone that's so important.

one of the truly wondrous things about human beings is that we're able to adapt. if you wear a callus into your palm - it'll go away, given the right circumstances. you can mold your desires & appetites, if you so choose. discipline & determination to varying degrees.

you haven't asked for advice so don't take this as such - it's my reaction to what you've shared. i know that empty realization that sets in right after you get off on porn, and it's not psychological believe it or not. it's the physical deployment of all the chemicals that have washed over your brain during your porn consumption. no different from coming down off of any other high.

the thing you insatiably craved & brought so much buzz suddenly appears lifeless, silly & embarassing.

i'm simply saying that once you fill your mind with dirt & condition yourself to need a certain level of stimulus, it's no different from the callus on your hand. it goes away when you remove - or at least, diminish - the level of stimulus. then the skin returns to its intended, sensitive state. it can then respond to the stimulation that it once didn't notice, because of the callus.

our sexuality is the same. i'm not saying you should deprive yourself of sex so you only want missionary, lights off interactions. but the sex that porn displays is unrealistic. it's brutal and typically very one-sided. if that's what we grow accustomed to being stimulated by, a loving relationship will never heighten to that peak of stimulation, regardless of what positions, toys, or specific acts you do together.

the other thing about porn is that it filters out all that is exciting & shocking about sex, distills it in it's pure concentrated form, and feeds it to consumers. it separates the sexual stimulation from all of the rest of what makes sex great.

that's no different from filtering the actual alcohol out of a liquor, the capcaisin out of spicy food, etc. it removes us from the "total experience," and gets us used to, if not dependent upon, the raw agent of stimulation.

so i guess this is a call to consider that you might remove yourself from the porn & find that a whole new horizon of sexual enjoyment opens up - one that you might find even more fulfilling than masturbation, not just emotionally, but physically.

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

Another issue, I guess, is that the actual sexual stimulation that I recieve isn't as intense as what I can accomplish myself. There's a limit to how long I can let my girl work, before I feel guilty since she probably isn't enjoying it, getting jaw-ache, or whatever. She also can't handle sex for prolonged periods of time, liking it fast and then to be over. With that little time of actual stimulation, orgasms are not a fantastic thing.

another thought...

and i'm not playing psychiatrist or predicting anything about your girl friend, whom i've never met. but women have a unique & keen ability to sense things. i'm not saying she's not satisfied or that she doesn't enjoy sex - i'm sure she does. but if you have inner turmoil that you're quelling with porn, i would guarantee she can feel that, even if she can't pinpoint it - and it could easily cause sex to have strained qualities for her.

just offering atht you might find that the absence of porn not only changes your experience, but might do the same for her in ways you weren't expecting.

Originally Posted by whilhelm

another thought...

and i'm not playing psychiatrist or predicting anything about your girl friend, whom i've never met. but women have a unique & keen ability to sense things. i'm not saying she's not satisfied or that she doesn't enjoy sex - i'm sure she does. but if you have inner turmoil that you're quelling with porn, i would guarantee she can feel that, even if she can't pinpoint it - and it could easily cause sex to have strained qualities for her.

just offering atht you might find that the absence of porn not only changes your experience, but might do the same for her in ways you weren't expecting.

why do you assume that his girlfriend has a problem with porn? infact he has already said that he's girlfriend does not have a problem with him watching porn!

i have come to the conclusion that everyones reasons for viewing porn are different, nobody can say you look at porn because of this or that!
anonymouswhitefemale watches because he has a higher sex drive than his partner!
my situation is different i have a higher sex drive than my hubby, he works hard, and sometimes he is too tired for sex, he does;nt mind that i look at porn, it doe'snt bother him, likewise my hubby likes sex first thing in the morning and i have to be in work early! so i do not mind him looking at porn. we still have sex most days and 3 times a day on weekends and we have been together for 10 years.
we have never had relationship problems just silly little disagreements like most people every so often. i do not know why some people make a big deal about porn!

Originally Posted by whilhelm

another thought...

and i'm not playing psychiatrist or predicting anything about your girl friend, whom i've never met. but women have a unique & keen ability to sense things. i'm not saying she's not satisfied or that she doesn't enjoy sex - i'm sure she does. but if you have inner turmoil that you're quelling with porn, i would guarantee she can feel that, even if she can't pinpoint it - and it could easily cause sex to have strained qualities for her.

just offering atht you might find that the absence of porn not only changes your experience, but might do the same for her in ways you weren't expecting.

why do you assume that his girlfriend has a problem with porn? in fact he has already said that he's girlfriend does not have a problem with him watching porn!

i have come to the conclusion that everyones reasons for viewing porn are different, nobody can say you look at porn because of this or that!
anonymouswhitefemale watches because he has a higher sex drive than his partner!

my situation is different i have a higher sex drive than my hubby, he works hard, and sometimes he is too tired for sex, he does'nt mind that i look at porn, it doe'snt bother him, likewise my hubby likes sex first thing in the morning and i have to be in work early! so i do not mind him looking at porn. we still have sex most days and 3 times a day on weekends and we have been together for 10 years, we are still very much in love and we have a very good relationship.
we have never had relationship problems just silly little disagreements every now and then just like most people. i do not know why some people make a big deal about porn!

hotdogg, you're just trying to incite a problem.

i never assumed his girlfriend had a problem with porn. i only said he might notice that her experience might change if HE quits using porn.

you conclude all kids of things, hotdogg - often conflictingly. you don't know why some people make a big deal out of porn because you aren't listening.

at all.

Hi there,

I'm also dealing with the same issue as you. I've read quite a few of the replies as well trying to find some answers. The fact is, he masturbated before he met you and I'm sure so did you. Men look at porn when they masturbate and by the way, so do a lot of women. We just don't admit it. If it's accessible to them, it's accessible to us. I don't feel I'm cheating on my husband when I've watched porn. I'm not thinking at all. So, why do we feel they're cheating on us?? I would much rather have sex with my husband but my sex drive is higher than his and I won't cheat. I dated a lot before I was married and I've never run across a guy yet that didn't watch porn. As I said before, I have a high sex drive too and I know I'm not boring in bed. The fact is, they look at it and if we end this relationship, the next one will have the same issues or maybe worse. Try to bring it out in the open and look at what you can do to feel better about yourself.

i agree janessa!

Originally Posted by Janessa

I'm not thinking at all.

this certainly is not true.