Thread: My boyfriend lies to me over and over about porn

My boyfriend watches porn almost regularly and it really hurts me to know he does it. We've talked about it before and he agreed to stop (which he didn't). He told me that he watches it to find new moves for us which i find hard to believe because the porn i find sometimes is strictly women. I keep finding pornography on his computer and yet he still tells me he doesn't watch it anymore and now if i confront him about it he gets really offended. I really dont know what to do anymore because I want to get past this but he continues to lie to me. I can't wait to catch him in the act because that may never happen. What do i do?

Originally Posted by sadgirl7

My boyfriend watches porn almost regularly and it really hurts me to know he does it. We've talked about it before and he agreed to stop (which he didn't). He told me that he watches it to find new moves for us which i find hard to believe because the porn i find sometimes is strictly women. I keep finding pornography on his computer and yet he still tells me he doesn't watch it anymore and now if i confront him about it he gets really offended. I really dont know what to do anymore because I want to get past this but he continues to lie to me. I can't wait to catch him in the act because that may never happen. What do i do?

do you want to save the relationship? if so, you have 2 initial steps to take: ist, get yourself a counselor or pastor - someone you trust that can help you with the issues YOU will have. then work on getting him to:

1. admit there's a problem with watching porn - if he can't get there with you, you'll have no common ground on which to start working
2. talk about why he watches it - the truth. not to get moves, etc. what's driving him to look at it. alcoholics drink not to get drubnk but to self medicate other, deeper issues that have nothing to do with liquor. porn is no different.
3. confide in someone - a guy - he trust & who can hold him accountable. if he wanted to do a triathlon, he might find another guy to work out with. this is the same. he needs a partner

Hello, your post is the first one I have chosen to respond to. I just registered. There's a site called solotouch.com which has a forum. I am amazed at how many times in a day a guy can climax. They are visual creatures after all, so viewing nudity is part of the deal for them. Many of these guys are married and have kids, but that little bit of private time is just for them alone. They may play before sex with their wife and they may do it afterwards. But they do it regularly.

It has nothing to do with the spouse. Some people have higher sex drives than others. Some women love choolate and some don't. Same thing.

Your boyfriend may be stressing out over your reaction to what he does. Let it go, read about male sexual needs and their responses and know that it will get better as he gets older.

If he does something that he knows hurts you (be it porn or anything else) and lies to you, you really have to wonder where the relationship is at. I'm not anti-porn, but lying and deliberate hurtfulness are not a good sign.

sadgirl -

you've got three very different responses & perspectives. maybe decide which way you want to go - i'll refrain from throwing my advice at you until i know you want to go that way.

Originally Posted by sadgirl7

My boyfriend watches porn almost regularly and it really hurts me to know he does it. We've talked about it before and he agreed to stop (which he didn't). He told me that he watches it to find new moves for us which i find hard to believe because the porn i find sometimes is strictly women. I keep finding pornography on his computer and yet he still tells me he doesn't watch it anymore and now if i confront him about it he gets really offended. I really dont know what to do anymore because I want to get past this but he continues to lie to me. I can't wait to catch him in the act because that may never happen. What do i do?

Hi Sad Girl, Men and women view porn very differently, men are more visual creatures than women and when they look at porn it is generally for visual stimulation and has no reflection on their partners and they have no desire to be with that person. Women like the whole romance side, the emotional fix. Many women still view porn as dirty but it is just another form of stimulation for men.

You could try to bring the whole issue into the open, so if he no longer feels the need to hide it, he may stop being tempted to look at it.

Also, a lot of couples watch porn together and view it as another form of foreplay. My bf and I have watched porn together but it has been my choice of materail and its more erotic rather than "porn" as such.

I hope this helps?!

Originally Posted by sadgirl7

My boyfriend watches porn almost regularly and it really hurts me to know he does it. We've talked about it before and he agreed to stop (which he didn't). He told me that he watches it to find new moves for us which i find hard to believe because the porn i find sometimes is strictly women. I keep finding pornography on his computer and yet he still tells me he doesn't watch it anymore and now if i confront him about it he gets really offended. I really dont know what to do anymore because I want to get past this but he continues to lie to me. I can't wait to catch him in the act because that may never happen. What do i do?

Hey Sadgirl,

I've been through what you've been through. I, too, do not like porn. My husband would say he wouldn't do it anymore, but then he would. People advised me to watch with him, etc., etc. THAT didn't help, let me tell you. I still don't like it. I felt like his viewing porn was cheating.

It comes down to two choices, live with it and him, or don't. I listed all the things I love about my husband, and his predilection for porn wasn't enough for me to leave. It's a relief, really, because now I don't worry about if he's doing it or not, although I'm pretty sure he doesn't as much as he used to. When you get older, these things just don't matter as much in the grand scheme of things. He's faithful to me and that's what's important.

It sounds a bit like my relationship at times! When I see porn on the computer-it makes me feel like I am not sexy enough for him. I am an attractive women and an extremely sexual person as well. I dont get why he looks at other women. So I try to compete by wearing more revealing clothes like the women in the pictures...but he gets mad that I am letting other guys see me like that! I dont get it!! I will never win at this. Maybe it has something to do with what I read a few years back in Cosmo....men typically think of other women while in bed with their spouse. This really upset me. He always makes me feel special...but the minute I catch him even looking at a sexy girl on tv...I have to make a rude comment!!! I get it....I am jealous...but are there any guys out there that dont act this way???

I honestly did not know whether to shake my head in dismay or laugh while reading all of this. Three important things to remember here.

1) THEY ARE MEN! Unless you are also a man you will NOT understand stop trying! It will not happen.

2) YOU are in NO WAY being COMPARED to the women on the screen! Why does this simple concept escape so many supposed rational women? As every teen age girl can tell you men can think of sex and the people will never enter into their minds. It is not a judgment of you, and if you take it as such perhaps the issue is not your spouse/boy friend watching porn that you should be worrying about, your own poor self image is a much larger concern.

3) It is only porn! Perhaps the most natural act in the world for humans is sex. It is true women tend to have a deeper emotional involvement but it is still a very natural. There is nothing "wrong" "dirty" "disgusting" involved. He is not thinking "Oh I wish my wife looked like her!" or "Wow, I love her more than my wife." He's not thinking at all! If you think he is then you have just uncovered the second big issue you need to be worried about, there is a serious lack of communication in your relationship.

Taking porn as a form of "cheating" or feeling threatened by it. Honestly, you obviously don't trust him when he tells it means nothing. It really doesn't mean anything. Take a long hard look at yourself, he's not the one with the problem here. Your inability to trust just might be.