babyface

Well I am 25 and got married as a virgin three months ago. My man and I could hardly keep our hands off eachother before marriage. I was very excited to be able to know that I could give myself completely to the one I loved enough to stay with forever. I bought so many beautiful things to wear for him and I always keep myself flawlessly smooth and hairfree and squeaky clean, I do everything to be as sensually attractive to him as I can be because he is very romantic and appreciates every little curve that I own. Before the wedding I attended to every last detail from spending all evening waving and curling my very very long hair to painting all my toenails. I was SO excited to be able to spend the first whole night in my new husbands arms. But things didn't turn out so amazing.
Unfortunately my hymen was almost completely covering me and very thick. For the longest time penetration was impossible. My husband didn't like hurting me and he was having a very diffucult time dealing with things and I was unhappy too. I ripped and ripped and bled and bled until I got fed up enough to cut myself with the kitchen shears one day.
I thought after that things would be good but intercourse feels like nothing to me and he could spend so much time that I get tired trying to stimulate me orally or manually to orgasm. He ends up discouraged and feeling bad about himself and then I feel bad about myself and really nervous and anxious when the mood rolls around. I feel like the only experience I've ever had was really painful or disappointing or discouraging and my desire has completely evaporated. I keep thinking if I just expect it to be dumb I won't be disappointed but I can't seem to let go of the idea that I had beforehand that it would be wonderful to be with him and when I expect that I end up feeling empty or crying while he is feeling inadequate. I think he is reluctant to even try to please me anymore and he doesn't like to feel good if I can't. So we are basically celibate newly weds at this point. The fire is completely gone. The whole experience was so unlike what I expected that I feel like a fish out of water.
I spent a good portion of my childhood in extreme fear of a sexual predator and I know that part of my heart is broken and it has taken me a long time to glue it back together but it feels like it is delicate and can easily be destroyed forever. I didn't mean to ever get married but my husband is the most romantic, attentive, loving and devoted man. He completely changed my mind. He waited years for me to be ready and things to be just right so he could take care of me. But it feels like I'm becoming more and more sexually withdrawn and I'm scared I will completely lose the open-ness to marriage that I had.
I want to make him happy more then anything but I know the only thing that will make him happy is if he can make me feel good and it makes me feel under lots of pressure. I think I might just be the way I am and that is that. But any ideas on making him feel confident again I would appreciate. Even though intercourse doesn't feel pleasurable to me, I miss being in his arms and knowing that I am giving him pleasure. I'm not sure how to make him feel it is ok for him to like it even if it doesn't do much for me. I know everyone is going to suggest masturbation but please respect that it isn't an option for either of us.
I'm so discouraged.

housewife

Now, you need first to calm down, everything you are going through is normal, your worries are normal, and so is your unpleasurable intercourse.

it takes time for a virgin to enjoy sex, at least 2 months, he has to know that, it is absolutely normal. no thing is wrong with neither of you.

during the engagement, as you said you hardly can keep your hands off each other, then things change after marriage, don't expect him to wrap his arms around you all the time, but that does not mean that he does not love as much as before.

you will discover that marriage is not all about sex it is about too many other thing such as enjoying each others company and knowing more about each other, enjoying doing things together , sharing everything , chatting and laughing.... then comes sex to complete the puzzle.

enjoy your first year of marriage, and I admire you for taking care of your appearance, go on, some women stop doing that after they get married, they take their husbands for granted, and I hate that.


let us know if you still have more questions.
and good luck
note: read a thread called "Pain" in the sex section.

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house

babyface

Thankyou for the encouragement housewife...you are correct in reminding me that sex isn't everything and we do have fun spending time together watching a movie or going on a drive and other things. It is just that the anxiety and bad feelings about that seem to be spilling over into other areas. I just worry with such a bad start when we act like we have been married 55 years what will it be like years down the road? But I am very very lucky that he is understanding and always has what is best for me as the focal point of his life. Even if we stayed celibate forever I would be perfectly content just as long as I knew he was happy.

housewife

that is so sweet

I have been there so I know what you feel ,

I guarantee you, marriage gets better with aging , only if we know how to deal with troubles the smart way,

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house

I_Have_Questions

hey babyface...
I was a virgin when I married too, a little more than a year ago, and for the first month or so intrcourse was really painful... It gets better, it really does. If you stop having intercourse it will hurt when you get back to it, so maybe as a practice you should start "helping" yourself.
I have not been able to orgasm in all these months of marriage, but someone here gave me some info on vibrators and such and I have just placed my first order and i am totally psyched.
It seems like your husband is really great and he really wants you to be happy, I say just take it easy, don't stress over what "should"
happen when you get together.. just let all the love that you feel for him be expressed in your actions...

Good luck -
IHQ

confusedwife

Why dont you two just focuse on foreplay. I cant enjoy myself personally unless we spend an hour or more on forplay. I cant orgasm during intercourse and it really dosent feel that great but i enjoy the connection it makes between me and my husband. A women needs at least 30 mins to be completely aroused, give or take a couple of mins, every1 is diffrent. And as you become more aroused your vagina lengthens and you become more excited to the touch, so dont worry about intercourse and love each other in other ways, it can bring you two closer that you ever imagined!

Try a shower together, or just oral if you like it. Caresses and kisses go a long way, but what ver you do, dont worry and encourage him, let him know you love what hes doing and do it with more vigor!