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Thread: Learning to finger myself . Please help.

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
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    Apr 2012

    Default Learning to finger myself . Please help.

    I am 29 yrs old but have never fingered myself till recently. I am married and we are having what I assumed was sex . I now believe that he never really penetrated me . I would feel mild pain and feel my body tighten up . I decided to desensitize myself to the sensation first to help myself relax before sex.I am not sure why I feel this way but I think If I can just learn to masturbate on my own , I can have better sex . I was finally able to insert one finger in with some lube but it feels so tight . Any tips on how to proceed . I eventually want to try inserting a dildo before I restart sex .

  2. #2
    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Array sp346's Avatar
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    Oct 2011
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    Abmer, learning to masturbate is a great way to learn to enjoy sex. In sex therapy, we always recommend guilded masturbation. You can't enjoy something with another person if you don't even understand how your body works and masturbation is the best way to do it. If you are looking for some educational videos and books, look at the Sinclair Institute. They are a religious group so some religious stuff comes up sometimes, but the materials they have are truely educational.

    One of the first things to understand is that for women, you actually don't need penetration to have sex and orgasm. The clitoris is one of the most sensitive parts of the female genitalia and stimulating it will give you pleasant and you can orgasm. Do a google image search to see where it is as most text books and sex ed classes never show the clitoris.

    Try to relax and enjoy your body, not just your genitals. Try to fantasize or just have sexy thoughts. Rub your vulva and get yourself excited. Rub your clit to get yourself aroused, maybe even try to have an orgasm. This will really relax your muscles and make you wet. Only then try inserting your fingers, one at a time. There is nothing wrong with feeling tight as long as it doesn't hurt. If anything hurts or doesn't feel pleasant, don't do it. Thats a sure way to make yourself tighten up again.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Tetris Champion Array Stillness's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
    Milky Way


    Are you newlyweds? Where is the pain?

    Here's what I think: (Man here, so take this all with a grain of salt. ) The first time I had sex it felt good because we were naked and humping, but I didn't have a clue that I wasn't penetrating for a long time, until I did by just fumbling around. So what I was doing was pushing into her labia, the "lips" that cover the entrance of the vagina. That can be painful, especially if your husband is eager and you all don't realize what's happening. My advice is to make sure you're aroused and well-lubricated. And it really helps if you pull the labia apart to give him access or his penis is moved up-down and side-to-side gently to part the lips and get the tip in before thrusting. Even then you still have to be gentle until everything is lubricated, because the pain you're feeling may be dry skin rubbing against and bumping into dry skin. You can't just start thrusting and expect it to go in.

    It may help you and him to feel around down there and take a look at what's going on (I know that can be awkward if you're just getting to know each other in this more intimate way, but it can be fun). But, I don't think you need to use your fingers or a dildo to break it in. Unless something unusual is going on that you don't mention, you all just probably need time to figure it out. In fact, if it's your hymen that you're trying to break, it might give you both a sense of closeness if he was the one to break it.

    Take it slow. Relax. Let him know if it hurts. I hope this helps. Have fun!

  4. #4
    Junior Member Array
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    Dec 2010
    Newcastle upon Tyne England.


    Getting to know your body is the perfect way to discover what you like in sex.
    Maybe your pain is because you were not "wet" enough before penetration? Lube is ideal for this, lots and lots of it if its very painful and therefore making it easier (and slippier) to finger yourself.
    You should probably talk to your husband too, and explain to him that your having problems and maybe try to find a solution together Good luck x

  5. #5
    Banned from WH Array
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    Mar 2012


    Im a guy u should curve your first two fingers and insert them into your vagina try that and tell me how it feels if ur arm is strong enough just start jack hammering your g spot u might like it

  6. #6
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array Faerunner's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    Pittsburgh, PA


    Amber, do you have any sexual fantasies or desires that you might want to act out? I found that when I first started touching myself it was much more fun when I could focus on a hot guy (of course, this was when I was a teen and not in a relationship), or a fantasy I had. Dressing up in sexy clothes, slowly stripping in front of a mirror or hanging out naked in the bathroom, fresh after a shower and relaxed with the warmth... there are lots of ways to get to know your body! Just relax, mostly.

    And talk to your new husband! Communication is so very, very important during a relationship, especially where sex is involved. Ask him about it. Is he a virgin too? Exploring your bodies together can be an amazing experience, but you have to talk and let each other know what's going on and what you like, what feels good, etc.

    Don't be shy... if you're really going to spend the rest of your life with this man you should be able to share your feelings!

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