Thread: Are these feelings normal?

I am a heterosexual female and I have been involved with a wonderful man for the last 2 years. But I recently shared something with him and he now has me questioning my sexuality. I need to know...is this normal?

About 4 years ago, I engaged in threesomes (1 guy 2 girls) at the request of my former boyfriend. There was sexual contact between me and the other girls, but I didn't enjoy it. Recently though, I have found myself fantasizing about women. I find myself admiring women with full chests and hips, and at times I am sexually aroused by them. There are other times that I feel nothing. I do not think that I am bisexual because these feelings are VERY recent (I'm 29 years old) and I have NEVER been aroused this way in the past. My boyfriend on the other hand is absolutely convinced that I am bisexual and he is having a hard time dealing with that. I do not know how to explain these feelings to him. I can't make sense of them myself. Please help!!

Sounds pretty plainly and obviously like you ARE bisaxual. I personally strictly enjoy men, but there's nothing wrong with liking women. Hey, we are women, and we ARE beautiful.

You don't have to concretely say that you "are bisexual" or that you "aren't." That's a load of bull.
There are different levels of sexuality. You can think of it like percentages. Take me for example. I estimate that I like girls about 5-10% and men 90-95%. Just because I like girls a little and think that we're sexy (which of course we are!) doesn't mean that I necessarily need to don the term "bisexual," especially if I personally don't agree with it. You didn't like it before and you're opening up to it now. It can be a very scary thing to sit and think, "Am I gay?" so don't worry about it.
It sounds like your man is giving you a hard time about it. That can be kind of confusing because most men would jump on even the semblance of an idea of a threesome, but some men just don't want to share their girlfriends/wives with anybody or are scared (just like we would be) of not being "enough" for the other person and thinking they might get cheated on.
Just convince him that he is the only one you want to be with, male or female. If your relationship is monogamous, then it doesn't matter which gender you are attracted to because you are only going to do anything with HIM. If he doesn't seem able to accept you for who you are, I suggest you move on. There's no reason to get a threesome from another relationship thrown in your face.
Good luck.

Thank you both for your comments. But as to the first comment, if I was concretely bisexual, wouldn't I have known/felt it before now?

As to the second comment, you are right on several counts. My boyfriend is giving me a hard time and it is because he feels that I may eventually end up cheating on him with a woman. I have tried repeatedly to assure him that he is the only one that I want to be with, but the possibility that he may have to "compete" not only with men, but with women as well makes him a bit insecure. I don't think that I am bisexual, but I don't know how to convince him otherwise.

Is there anyone else out there that feels this way? He is a VERY good man, and I don't want to lose him over something like this.

Wow, you're situation sounds similar to what I am going through with my husband, but in our case it's reversed. Believe it or not, reading your post made me realize something about my situation that helps a lot. I don't think you're abnormal, and I don't think this necessarily makes you bi-sexual. I am realizing more every minute that fantasizing about someone of the same sex just makes you an open-minded, sexual being. Not everyone is the same. If you look through the posts, you'll see that there are people with SO MANY different interest. What works wonders for one person, might turn another off. Let's take, for instance, oral sex. There are plenty of people that really, really, enjoy it. But there are also people out there who are completely against it. Does that make either one right? No. And anal sex, well, that's even MORE controversial. Some people fantasize about things that other people would consider weird. It's just the way things work. We're all different people, and all of us have different buttons. Fantasizing about someone of the same sex is, psychologically speaking, rather normal. For some people it's just a short phase in their life, for others it's a lifelong fantasy. For some, it may be extremely rare, especially once they reach adulthood, and the stigmas of society have narrowed their view of what's socially acceptable for certain labels.

In psychology they say that 'everyone falls somewhere on the bell curve.' What they mean by that is that no one is 100% of anything. Even the most heterosexual people wonder or experience things with someone of the same sex, and likewise with homosexual people. Have you ever had any gay friends that had partners of the opposite gender before they "came out." Does that mean that they were bi-sexual too. Most of the time- NO. Our sexual experiences do not define us, but they do broaden our horizons, and make us more sexually developed. Likewise with your boyfriends fears about you being bisexual. There are some guys out there that would throw a party in appreciation if they found out that their girl had experiences with another chick and was open to the idea. But, as your boyfriend exemplifies, there are some that are opposed to the idea. Maybe, like me, he has been hurt before, and is reluctant to trust that someone wouldn't hurt him. I am the kind of person who is always looking for the red flag to go up!

I, myself, have fantasized about women before. In fact, it's only in the last year or two that my fantasies for women have really flourished (and we are also near the same age, as I am almost 29). Perhaps it's part of establishing our sexuality and the process of us understanding who we are and what we want. You know that they say women don't start reaching their peak until their late 20's. I fantasize about women a lot, and just like you, I find myself admiring a woman with a voluptuous chest. Do I think that makes me bisexual? No. I don't. I am 100% sure that I am not a lesbian either. I think it just makes me human, with a passion for sex. I haven't had any experiences with a woman before, and may never, but I don't think it will stop me from fantasizing. My husband embraces that about me. He loves hearing of my fantasies about women. Sadly though, I have not been so receptive to his fantasies about men. Like your current boyfriend, I have been pretty worried that he may be bi-sexual, and not being forthright with me. I also have been worrying myself to death that my husband will want to act on his fantasies one day, and cheat on me with a man. I am starting to realize now that I am probably overreacting a whole lot. There are plenty of fantasies and turn-ons that I would never act on, so why would he be any different.

I can't tell you anything that would make your boyfriend feel better, because I would just being a hippocrate. I can tell you that I think your fantasies are pretty normal. Not everyone has the same fantasies, but just because they don't, it doesn't make yours abnormal. As to whether it makes you bi-sexual, well, only you could tell that for sure. If your drive to be with a woman and the actions you take to back it are pretty parallel to a your feelings/actions towards a man, then I would say you probably are. If you just love fantasizing about it, then I wouldn't worry. Either way, if you're in a commited, monogamous relationship, then cheating with another woman shouldn't be any more likely to happen than you cheating with a man. If you and your bf are exclusive, then you're exclusive. I'm sure you get just as turned on by a hot guy sometimes, but I doubt that makes you any more/less likely to cheat on him than if you see a hot chick, right?

Sexuality is soo confusing. It's like everyone wants it to be black and white - slap a label on their sexuality. You're either one or another - straight, homosexual, or bi-sexual. Fit neatly into the label.

And if you're interested in or curious about the other side, well, then BOOM, all of a sudden, it's like betraying the sexuality you had before...

Where do the lines get drawn? It's one thing to think about it, another thing to try it in real life, and still further to commit to a relationship in terms of a different sexual orientation, right? These are all different levels of intimacy.

So when does a person become bi-sexual? The minute they have a thought about the same sex? When they have a same-sex experience - just once. Or 10 times maybe and then you're a bi-sexual?

As people here are saying, it's really not a clear line.

It's not clear to me in any way...

This is the root of homophobia (no judgment intended)...

It doesn't sound like you're bf is a secure person in himself as regards to sexuality, or perhaps in the relationship...It doesn't sound like you're about to run out and leave him for another woman.

I hope you two work these things out...or, if not him, to you to find peace.

fantasy does not equal reality..nancy friday has published a few books on female fantasies..a large percentage of women have rape fantasies, yet no women in their right mind would want to be raped by a stranger..many women also like you have lesbian fantasies but rarely act on them..a fantasy is 99% of the time just that, a fantasy..so you are probably pretty much normal; certainly more normal than me (statistically speaking)..i have never had a homosexual fantasy and never will..

Dr. Mansview, I like you. I love reading your posts! Uh... anyway. You make a good point! Well said. (And good perspective on the rape fantasy, it's very true!)

i like you to poisongirl..how do you like my new picture..bet you thought it was an avatar, it's not, that's really me!!!

Hi, I can relate im 26 married for 4 plus yrs now and i have only been with men, yet one time my husband mention the idea of a threesome (2 girls 1 guy) and i thought about it. I havent gone through with it but lately i find myself noticing an attractive female and having sexual thoughts. i AGREE with everyone, u dont have to label yourself a lesbian because of fantasies. But i think ur husband should have more trust in u, thats what makes marriages work