Thread: Need the lady's input - Lack of desire from wife ...

OK - so sorry for a guy to be busting up the gals party - but I need some honest feedback....

Also - sorry in advance for the length of the post.....

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, one in grade school, one is 9 mo / old....
Ever since the 2nd child, my wife's drive has been in the toliet !!! I mean 1-2 / mo max and its like I either have to beg or she's giving me a pity f*ck.

I know many of you might say "help out more" / etc....

I take the kids to school in the morning, do the dishes regularly w/out being asked, help out with meals, do laundry, help clean up the house regularly.

We are in love and she is affectionate, but anytime I try to get past a kiss on the lips, I get turned down. I try to touch her durring the day (not sexual - just rub her shoulders while she's in the kitchen / etc...) to let her know I'm thinking about her and maybe in the mood later in the day.... She either blows it off, or out-rightly accuses me of only doing this because I want sex from her later! (well duh !!! that's what married folks do) Its not like I ignore her all day, then just jump her bedtime and start humping like a dog in heat.

When we do have sex, its vanilla - missionary / lights off / only in the bedroom. I've asked her about it. Along with the standard excuse of, "I'm just so tired with the kids." I also got, "I'm just not that interested in it anymore."

Well - I let her know (in as soft a way I could muster) that I'M STILL INTERESTED, and that in our mid-30's a marriage w/out sex is not something I'm gonna be extremely happy about ! She said she'd "try" - but its always the kids, the kids, no energy for the husband. I got a sitter last Sat and took her out to dinner and a live comedy show. Thought it might bring back some spark. I asked her if she would like to go for drinks after the show? Answer: "No - I'm getting tired." We get home its "Thanks for a fun evening hunny - the baby's likely to get up early - I'm going to bed now - peck on the cheek."

Tonight - she went to a massage I had gotten her for her B-day. I did the feed the kids, get 'em in bed routine by myself (no complaints - not a big deal). She gets home all "relaxed" - I go get cleaned up for bed (showered as I had been doing some work in tha garage). She waits until I get into bed and start to snuggle up to her, then puts up the STOP sign !!!

I want to be supportive and I'm extremely involved in my kids lives (coach sports and do scouts) as well. She stays home full time and I know it can be difficult and frustrating at times - but she's lucky to get to be home w/ them. She is just in "Mommy" mode full time - can't (or doesn't want to) change out of it into MILF mode. I guess I have a hard time understanding her POV b/c I could be up 1/2 the night with the baby, and if she rolled over and started it - I'd find a way to muster the energy to finish it!

I have tried talking with her about it and she just really doesn't see it as a problem. She also no longer wants to engage in things that "used" to be a normal part of our sex life. For instance - 69 is now off limits - it never used to be ?!? Toy play - no good. It never used to be ?!? When I asked her "why?" - her response was that, "I guess I've just matured past that point in my life..... I just feel there are some things a good mother doesn't do." I was like - WTF ?!?!?!

I love my kids and do not want to resent them - but how can I not? If I'd known it was going to be like this, I wouldn't of had them - or at least would have stopped at one !

Anyways - anyone have ANY advice on how to rekindle the sexual spark w/ her? I'm beginning to feel EXTREMELY desperate and I am tired of being rejected. I feel like we are great parents, but no longer lovers. I never thought I'd feel like a piece of furniture with a paycheck in my own home, but now I do....

I need advice - anyone gone through this - how do you survive it? I do NOT want to cheat, but if it continues on with no change, I think I'll have to consider it, or maybe just divorce her and stay involved with the kid's lives. I've thought about counselling, but she doesn't really see it as a problem - no problem, why the need for a counselor?

I feel like in 10 years of marriage, I've gotten / built up a great family life and I've executed my sex life. HELP ?!?

Thanks - sorry for such a long post - but there's a LOT to get out....

It probably has more to do with her, than you. Possible causes, postpartum depression is a big one. Exhaustion. She also may not see herself as sexy anymore. A woman's body changes after having kids. If she has a bad self image and doesn't feel sexy, your advances will just make her feel worse. No, there is no reason for it, it just is. Women are confusing.

Give her time. Back off. Pressure will only make it worse. Do non-sexual things together. Dinner and a movie, that's it nothing more.

Mostly, it would probably be a good thing for her to be evaluated by a physician. Maybe even a therapist. The hard part would be convincing her.

It just may take time and it isn't for ever. As your children get older, it does get easier.
fs

Hi OP. I am a woman with a full time, extremely stressful job and I have made the decision to not have children. Reasons being that I know I will always be working and because of that I think that it will be too much for me to cope with and it will affect my relationship with my SO. But there are still times when I dont feel like sex. I am tired, strung out, in a mood, whatever, BUT I make a plan. I make it a quicky or whatever, and in the back of my mind I will make sure the next session has really has some effort put in. If I didnt "work" at my sex life like this it would be very easy to fall into a routine of occasional sex. But that is not what I want out of life. Relationships are work and they are compromise. And I actually think that your wife has it a little too good. Yes she had a child, blah, blah, blah...if she didnt like the way it made her feel she shouldnt have agreed to the second one. You are obviously towing the line here and doing more than your fair share. As far as I am concerned you have a job that pays the bills and her job is looking after the kids and the house. It isnt superwoman's job. Millions of people do that AND have a job so really, cry me a river. It really makes me angry when people are taken advantage of and that is what is happening to you. If she is not feeling pretty or she is feeling tired all the time then SHE must make an effort to change that. Take some vitamins, go to the gym, what ever. SHE has to do this and if she wont then the problem is HERS and you cant change it. Why must YOU try everything and she tries nothing. Even if she wants to have sex with the lights off, trust me it can be fun. Blindfold on the guy is also fun. She needs to use her initiative and get things going here. I dont want my SO to have to start things off all the time. I think your wife is being grossly unfair and lazy to boot.

Hi,

I have some comments about your post. Firstly she probably is extremely tired, looking after 2 children in my opinion is harder work than a professional person who work on the money markets! It's a different type of stress and exhaustion to deal with.

You love sex, that is normal, but how can you say you wouldn't have had your children if you had known it was going to be like this, your wife loves you she is just getting used to her life with 2 children.

Anyway I would guess that although you are affectionate towards her, every time you show affection in the past you have then moved straight on to sexual contact. Put your arm around her and tell her you love her, that she is doing a wonderful job with your children, and home and that you appreciate it - then move away. Show her affection and don't expect anything back sexually - this will be difficult I know. Take her to places and again don't expect a meal, a movie and then a leg over! Once she learns that you will not be moving straight on to sex she will perhaps kiss you for longer - that's the next step, she will then in time get more turned on and want to have sex with you. It is factual that the more you do it the more you want it, the less you do, the less you want to. If she still doesn't want sexual contact then you need to explain to her what the situation is doing to you. Explain that you love her so much and feel that you always showed your love to each other through sex, now she is not so interested you are feeling rejected and hurt - tel her calmly and kindly.

The comment someone else made about taking her to a shrink is ridiculous unless you seriously think she is suffering from PND suggesting anything like this without proper reason is likely to drive her away and upset her. she is coping with a massive life change, 2 individuals that are probably 100% dependent upon her most of the time, her hormones have changed and she is very tired.

Originally Posted by Nightelf

Hi OP. I am a woman with a full time, extremely stressful job and I have made the decision to not have children. Reasons being that I know I will always be working and because of that I think that it will be too much for me to cope with and it will affect my relationship with my SO. But there are still times when I dont feel like sex. I am tired, strung out, in a mood, whatever, BUT I make a plan. I make it a quicky or whatever, and in the back of my mind I will make sure the next session has really has some effort put in. If I didnt "work" at my sex life like this it would be very easy to fall into a routine of occasional sex. But that is not what I want out of life. Relationships are work and they are compromise. And I actually think that your wife has it a little too good. Yes she had a child, blah, blah, blah...if she didnt like the way it made her feel she shouldnt have agreed to the second one. You are obviously towing the line here and doing more than your fair share. As far as I am concerned you have a job that pays the bills and her job is looking after the kids and the house. It isnt superwoman's job. Millions of people do that AND have a job so really, cry me a river. It really makes me angry when people are taken advantage of and that is what is happening to you. If she is not feeling pretty or she is feeling tired all the time then SHE must make an effort to change that. Take some vitamins, go to the gym, what ever. SHE has to do this and if she wont then the problem is HERS and you cant change it. Why must YOU try everything and she tries nothing. Even if she wants to have sex with the lights off, trust me it can be fun. Blindfold on the guy is also fun. She needs to use her initiative and get things going here. I dont want my SO to have to start things off all the time. I think your wife is being grossly unfair and lazy to boot.

You make me smile! You really have no idea. Yes it is the job of superwoman (if you do a good job)! Thousands of high flying women who have no children could not be a good parent. I know lots of women who work full time, highly powered jobs and have a couple of "token" children who the see for 30 minutes each night - that is not being a parent or a mother.

Having a high flying job is nothing to being a mother. Of course this woman is not lazy!

I do not think a woman should constantly say no to her husband or vice versa as this is sure to cause problems, but I do feel your post lacks a full understanding of the situation.

I am stunned at the replies saying "give her space ... give it time" .
Clearly this guy is suffering and no wonder it is causing problems in their marriage. Prolonged withholding sex from one's spouse is destructive behavior and eventually it WILL cause the marriage to fail. Whatever the reason (stress, tired, resentful, etc) this must be discussed and dealt with promptly.

If you believe google'd statistics, the average married couple has sex 98X per year ... that is 5.4 times more than aa889d (1X to 2X per week = 18X per year). Google also says >10X per year is considered a sexless marriage.

What if the problem were not sex, but drinking. She she consistently guzzles 6 bottles of wine at dinner. Wouldn't that be a problem to their marriage? Destructive behavior? Would you tell aa889d not to worry.. give her space.. give her time ??? NO, he would be told this is a serious issue that needs immediate and serious commitment (from both of them) to rectify.

My friend, I was in your situation myself and have "recovered" from years in a sexless marriage. The first thing I did was to educate myself on the situation.. reading forums just like this. Google for "sexless marriage" and plan on spending several hours / days / weeks reading up on the topic.

Hi,

I can relate to how frustrated you are emotially and sexually. I've always found it interesting how those of us with the higher sex drive choose the opposite for a mate. What I think may work is not initiating sex. In other words, let her come to you. Stop chasing and see what happens.

Has she put on the weight since she's had children? Does she seem as though her self-esteem is down? She may not feel comfortable with herself in bed and women want to be seen as "sexual," not a "mommy figure," when it comes to the bedroom. What ever you do though, don't cheat. It makes you feel like **** and then you'll have that hanging over your head for the rest of your life.

i agree with "irelandlover's" first reply..tell her you love her, tell her she is great with the kids, and don't push her for sex..women are wired different then men and often an emotional boost from hubby is more appealing than going straight for her goodies..if she knows you understand her emotionally, the rest may fall into place..

Irelandlover, I may have no idea what it is to have kids, but you have absolutely no idea what my daily life is like either. So lets agree to disagree.

Whether you are a mother or just a wife the push in the relationship can not always only come from one person. There has to be compromise and as I tried to put across, if your wife or husband is not willing to see the effort you make and the continue spurning your affection and advances what is there left to do. Only so much can be done.

Maybe go to counseling with her. Make her understand how serious this is for you. And there is nothing wrong with being terribly unhappy because your sexual needs are not being fulfilled. It is a important part of every relationship.

You have my sympathy because your story sounds so familiar, except we don't even have kids as an excuse.
I've been married 22 years now. Gradual decrease in interest in sex from my wife over the last 10 years, down to 1-2 times / month - and she seems to think it is a chore even then - something to get over with as quickly as possible. And yes, I do things for her.

I have also considered cheating, happen to have lots of opportunities, but don't because I think it would be dishonorable. Sad thing is that I think she thinks I am cheating.

Maybe there are many people in this state. Maybe this is why so many people cheat on their spouses?