Thread: spicing thing up with a third

I recently had issues when my boyfriend asked if I would do a threesome, reason is that I really couldnt think about who this other girl would be. But lately I have been really struggling to find out how to choose the girl. There is so many qualities I do not want and so many things I dont want her to be able to do. If anyone knows how and where I can meet someone to join us, please let me know, its not like I can pick her out in a crowd.

Sounds like you aren't comfortable with the idea of a threesome. I think in the situation of having a threesome you need to be comfortable with whatever happens. Having a bunch of rules and/or stipulations going in to it I think is only setting yourself up for something to go wrong.

What if in the heat of the moment your guy breaks one of the rules, or the other girl does, or you misread something? Are you going to be able to let that go?

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Sounds like you aren't comfortable with the idea of a threesome.

I agree. You shouldn't do something that you are not comfortable with just because your boyfriend wants to. If the opportunity arises and you decide to go through with it be sure that you have thoroughly thought about how you will feel about the situation afterwards.

This is how I am, I get nervous. I dont mind seeing him with someone else in this particular situation. I just want to be able to pick the right girl. I have expectations, he wants me to choose.

I'm a bit confused about "spicing" up a relationship by adding a third party. My limited experience is that a three party relationship is the most dynamically challenging to say the least. Wouldn't that just be like getting cheated on while you're still there? Is that wrong like polygamy is wrong?-not to mention the complete lack of commitment of any kind? Wouldn't it be uncomfortable and awkward? If it wasn't, would your relationship be strictly just lust and business? I guess it would depend on what you were looking for in a relationship.

I don't envy your situation. I guess I'd say if you don't care much about a future with this guy and you think that it's something you need to do before you die then you'll find the right girl to fit your fantasy if in fact it really is YOUR fantasy as well.
Please don't be offended, but allow my perspective at face value. It's just my opinion. I'm a guy and can't even fathom inviting someone I love and care about long term to add another person into our intimate relations-- unless I was strung out on porn and had corroded my conscience away to numbness. Then maybe another girl would be a way to not lose the relationship I know I should value, and yet still add some "spice." Ooooh. I'm sorry if that was harsh. Again that's just my opinion. I don't know how else to phrase it nicer. I think your guy still has enough conscience to know it would be complicated to not hurt you by his choice. Women are naturally SO capable of love, giving, nurturing, and patience. Sometimes I find to their own detriment. I will say that I and most other men respect and admire the girl who cares enough about herself and the value she holds to stand up for her needs, feelings, and opinions. I think maybe that's why he's having you pick the girl- to lighten his culpability in the whole deal. It's like giving you an out to not have to do that, but an avenue wherein he can ask too. Sounds like he's a pretty smooth operator. You sure sound like an incredibly patient, understanding, and loyal type girl. I'm sorry you have this type of burden to deal with.

It is very common for men to have fantasies of a threesome - so he isn't particularly unusual. I think it is even OK for him to tell you about his interest - but that doesn't mean you need to agree. If you aren't comfortable with the idea, you should politely decline. Please (for both of your sakes), don't go along with this if you don't want it.

On the other hand, there are women who are happy with the idea. Some things to consider though:

Safety - you shoudl probably both get aids tested to you can convince the prospective partner that you are aids-free. You should insist that the new person be tested as well. Safe sex is well and good, but mistakes happen.

Are you interested in being physical with another woman. This is a big question. If you are not comfortable with the idea, the number of things you can do in a threesome is quite limited.

Think about the other person's feelings. I had a girlfriend once who described being another couple's "plaything". Said she enjoyed it at the time, but seemed to have misgivings about it later.

So - where to find people:

Easiest is to hire a prostitute - usual safety issues apply. This is nice because there is no risk of emotional attachment. This is bad because there is no emotional attachment.

There are clubs (at least in large cities) where it is easier to find interested strangers. I've heard tell that "Cats" in san Francisco is one. (I have not engaged in this sort of activity so I can't give specific advice).

You can try to hook up with a friend. This is a very touchy subject - need to lead into it very gently (see the movie "raising arizona" for bad example). This could work well, but can get very ... complicated.

As far as restrictions on what the third person can do with you or your spouse - I wouldn't expect such restrictions to be followed exactly. If people get too worked up, unplanned things might happen.


Talk to your boyfriend - find out what sort of thing he has in mind.

As a final note - you could ask your boyfriend what he thinks of a threesome with another man. Would be interesting to hear his reply.

Just my $.02

I think you are playing with a fire that you had better be sure that you can put out. How will you feel when he fingers her the first time? How will you feel when he goes down on her? How will you feel when she gives him oral? And when he F's her? Will this turn you on or will you be jealous. What about you. What if you find her appealing and you want to eat her out? Can you handle this big change in dealing with a possible new you that has to face this fact? Will you enjoy kissing her? What if you love kissing her breasts? Will you want to see her again just to be with her? You are opening such a big Pandora's Box.

I guess as a woman I love to look back on a fantasy and think about when I was young and beautiful and built like a brick sh*t house and a woman would love to make love to me, but do I really enjoy that thought that much or is it a passing fancy in my mind. I like being all woman and would hate to mess with my own sexuality. Think about it well and make the right choice.....I will just use mine in the back of my mind while he turns me on and drives me wild.....Take care, Caroline

[quote=EmotionsRvalid;20059]

I'm a bit confused about "spicing" up a relationship by adding a third party. My limited experience is that a three party relationship is the most dynamically challenging to say the least. Wouldn't that just be like getting cheated on while you're still there? Is that wrong like polygamy is wrong?-not to mention the complete lack of commitment of any kind? Wouldn't it be uncomfortable and awkward? If it wasn't, would your relationship be strictly just lust and business? I guess it would depend on what you were looking for in a relationship.

I agree with this. I am old school. In the garden there was Adam and Eve with no mention of Steve or Jane as a third party.

[quote=inquisitive1;20147]

Originally Posted by EmotionsRvalid

I agree with this. I am old school. In the garden there was Adam and Eve with no mention of Steve or Jane as a third party.

I used to think this was true too, but, I hear that besides Steve and Jane sometimes they ask over Larry and Sue. Then sometimes Eve will just invite Adam, Steve and Larry and have this threesome. Then if they really get gutty they will have a big party and have many 12 couples and throw their keys in the center and hope like heck that they do not draw their own wife. That would spoil the party and they would have to throw them in again. Or sometimes they will just get it on with whoever they want to in front of everyone.....Some great fun.

I went to your old school. I am from the Adam and Eve era but then Eve ate that dam apple and caused all this trouble......

[quote=CarolineWH;20155]

Originally Posted by inquisitive1

I used to think this was true too, but, I hear that besides Steve and Jane sometimes they ask over Larry and Sue. Then sometimes Eve will just invite Adam, Steve and Larry and have this threesome. Then if they really get gutty they will have a big party and have many 12 couples and throw their keys in the center and hope like heck that they do not draw their own wife. That would spoil the party and they would have to throw them in again. Or sometimes they will just get it on with whoever they want to in front of everyone.....Some great fun.

I went to your old school. I am from the Adam and Eve era but then Eve ate that dam apple and caused all this trouble......

Hey CarolineWH-
I am still laughing! That was way too funny! I still don't know if you agreed with my comment or I just got served. Still just as funny though! Ouch, now my head hurts