Another Masturbation Thread

[SaraSmile]

Hi,

Sorry to make a second masturbation thread, and I hope you don't mind. I wanted to start this one to get some opinions on my situation since I was posting to another person on her thread related to this and want my own feedback.
My SO and I have been together for 2 years. Our sexlife is good and we have sex nearly daily. At first, I thought he may masturbate once in awhile when I wasn't home. I did not pry, try to ask about it, or try to look up his internet history or anything these last 2 years. I did run across some porno in his computer history by accident a few months ago. It's a free site. I wasn't looking for it. Then, I knew he was looking at it at times. I got over it...and realized he probably was masturbating to it once in a while...though he said he was just getting primed for me to come home that day. We were on the same schedule for a while, and I don't think he had a chance to be alone and masturbate for months. When he heard I was going on a different schedule, and that would mean he'd have time alone (at least 8 hours) without me around a few days a week, I was swearing the glint in his eye was anticipation. It struck me since I am very intuitive. I felt hurt.
In recent months, I had purchased some porn for us to watch on DVD to enhance our experience sometimes. I decided to see if he was actually looking forward to also watching it alone since I was changng schedules. Sure enough, the first day I set it up where I could tell if the DVD's were touched, he had touched them (and he only had one hour to himself that day before leaving for work!) I set it up again....and the very next day that he had time (I had gone to work) he did it again....only this time, he forgot to throw away the evidence that he used to clean himself up with. I asked him about it (I was upset...felt like it was something much less than cheating on me, but yet I was hurt) and he denied it until I said I had evidence. He said he was human..and yes, he masturbated once in a while...what was the big deal? I told him about my theory of him looking forward to his time alone and that I also feared our sexlife would suffer. He denied he looked forward to it and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. He said he has always masturbated and our sexlife has been good. I couldn't deny that. He denies he does it as often as I think he does, knowing what I know. I am still upset and know or feel he does it whenever I leave the house. I feel like something must be missing for him. I feel he wants someone or something else. He denies that.
I am going back to therapy and try to get it all straight in my head....
I know I can't stop him from masturbating when he wants to. He already stated I can't tell him what to do in that regard.
My self esteem is down the tubes.
Any feedback??

[rcoreyus]

The following is just to get more info -I'm not implying anything:

Is the porno he got for himself (on the internet) "conventional", or does it include unusual fetishes? I don't know if anyone understands fetishes - sexual desire associated with some particular object or style (feet, leather, etc).

Is the something sexual that he wants that you don't want to do? There is another thread on oral sex for example. I'm not saying you should do it, just trying to find out.

He may have an addiction to porn. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted, but some are.

Does he desire sex more often than nearly daily? Some men (and some women) do.


I think the real question is whether he preferes masturbation to sex with you when you are available. If he is only masturbating when you are not available for sex, I wouldn't worry - he just feels he needs (wants) sex more often, and it is doing you no harm. If on the other hand, he is masturbating rather than having sex with you, I would consider that to be a problem.

Over all, if your sex life is still good, I would not worry. Virtually all men masturbate, some quite often. It is embarassing, so they hide it - some hide it better than others.

[SaraSmile]

The following is just to get more info -I'm not implying anything:

Is the porno he got for himself (on the internet) "conventional", or does it include unusual fetishes? I don't know if anyone understands fetishes - sexual desire associated with some particular object or style (feet, leather, etc).

Is the something sexual that he wants that you don't want to do? There is another thread on oral sex for example. I'm not saying you should do it, just trying to find out.

He may have an addiction to porn. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted, but some are.

Does he desire sex more often than nearly daily? Some men (and some women) do.


I think the real question is whether he preferes masturbation to sex with you when you are available. If he is only masturbating when you are not available for sex, I wouldn't worry - he just feels he needs (wants) sex more often, and it is doing you no harm. If on the other hand, he is masturbating rather than having sex with you, I would consider that to be a problem.

Over all, if your sex life is still good, I would not worry. Virtually all men masturbate, some quite often. It is embarassing, so they hide it - some hide it better than others.

Thanks so much for your feedback. I was hoping to get some help because I am beside myself....
The answers are....my gut feeling is he likes masturbating. That is the essence of it. I think he likes having sex with me, but he misses masturbation because it is *different*...and that is the way I have read (on other message boards) people view it,....not better than partner sex, but different and good. So much that I think he *needs* it. And he seems to need it (like partner sex) almost daily. If he had his way, I think he would have me leave at 12 noon everyday...he would then masturbate sometime between 12 and 2 p.m. and then, when I came home at 9 or so, he could start getting in the mood and have partner sex by between 12 a.m. or 2 a.m.!
What worries me is that I feel there is something *wrong*. Maybe there isn't anything *wrong*, but it makes my self confidence sink.
My So does not have any kinky wants or needs. Nope. And I do anything he likes/wants to do. Oral sex is pretty perfect for him except once in awhile one of my teeth may clip him (ouch!). But that is accidental and only occasionally. He still orgasms. Thing is...My SO *loves* beautiful women, and, although I am very attractive (not beautiful, but pretty), I feel like maybe he is sick of me. He says he is not sick of me. But I worry about his fantasies and if maybe he is thinking of someone else....

[rcoreyus]

Almost everyone appreciates an attractive person of the desired gender, but that in no way implies comparison with, or boredom with ones spouse. Many people occasionally fantasize about someone else - again I see nothing wrong with that. A fantasy is just a fantasy - as long as it doesn't interfere with your normal life I think it is harmless. Just because you imagine being abducted by Pirates, or Amazons and forced to serve their every whim, doesn't mean that you want it in real life. I love the Star Wars movies, but I don't really want to blow up planets (except when I'm in a really bad mood).

If he says he is not sick of you, if he enjoys being intimate with you, if he is nice to you in other ways - I'd guess he loves you and is happy.

From what you have posted it sounds like you have a great relationship. Please don't look for problems. If you look hard enough you will find something - even if it isn't there.

I get my wife flowers - by surprise, for no reason at all. Long ago she would respond with a smile and a hug. But - as things have gone bad in our relationship, she starts to question it. Am I trying to bribe her? Am I making up for something I did wrong?

I hope your spouse is good to you.

[lauralight]

This is starting to sound like me in my suppport group for codependents of alcoholics. Control on your part, were you primed in childhood for this role of trying to control this situation? Or is it also possible you were primed for being codependent to an adddictive personality-man! Are you seeing balancing of behaviour issues in his life in more than one place, is this part of a bigger picture? I had anxiety like this during my marriage. My x-H was on his way to alcholism, porn addiction, and binging/starving himself on food, money spending, multiple issues were quicktly revealing themselves - symptoms of a seriously addictive personality, I'm an adult child, and those guys are magnets to me!

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Blah blah.

It's different, it's nice. And it's something women don't understand as well as men. You probably understand it about as much as we understand periods, so just accept it. Obviously extremes are bad, but otherwise, it's his body, his decision, and his pleasure.

Is he never allowed to masturbate? You're the only tap on his overfull barrel of sexual desire? That's VERY egocentric. And unfair.

Also, peoples COMPANY as well as sex get boring after overexposure, maybe he's just looking forward to some solidary time to do what he wants to do. You know... ACTUALLY have some free time for a change... Do things that interest him and not you etc.

Also, just because someone's mind is only 99% on you isn't enough grounds to destroy a relationship. However, attacking and investigating him, is.

This is all my admittedly slightly fascist male opinion, as I'm a little sick of the "zomg my bf wanks and im jealous" threads.

[SaraSmile]

This is starting to sound like me in my suppport group for codependents of alcoholics. Control on your part, were you primed in childhood for this role of trying to control this situation? Or is it also possible you were primed for being codependent to an adddictive personality-man! Are you seeing balancing of behaviour issues in his life in more than one place, is this part of a bigger picture? I had anxiety like this during my marriage. My x-H was on his way to alcholism, porn addiction, and binging/starving himself on food, money spending, multiple issues were quicktly revealing themselves - symptoms of a seriously addictive personality, I'm an adult child, and those guys are magnets to me!

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, he does have some addictive behavior (though it isn't too bad) and that is probably part of what I am doing....checking on his addictive behaviors. I try to help control his drinking (he is abusive but not an alcoholic by my observations) and other issues too. You know of what you speak. Off to the therapist tomorrow.....
thanks again.

[SaraSmile]

Almost everyone appreciates an attractive person of the desired gender, but that in no way implies comparison with, or boredom with ones spouse. Many people occasionally fantasize about someone else - again I see nothing wrong with that. A fantasy is just a fantasy - as long as it doesn't interfere with your normal life I think it is harmless. Just because you imagine being abducted by Pirates, or Amazons and forced to serve their every whim, doesn't mean that you want it in real life. I love the Star Wars movies, but I don't really want to blow up planets (except when I'm in a really bad mood).

If he says he is not sick of you, if he enjoys being intimate with you, if he is nice to you in other ways - I'd guess he loves you and is happy.

From what you have posted it sounds like you have a great relationship. Please don't look for problems. If you look hard enough you will find something - even if it isn't there.

I get my wife flowers - by surprise, for no reason at all. Long ago she would respond with a smile and a hug. But - as things have gone bad in our relationship, she starts to question it. Am I trying to bribe her? Am I making up for something I did wrong?

I hope your spouse is good to you.

Thanks again. I am trying to get myself together and not ruin it. He is a good guy. He just doesn't know quite how to reassure me sometimes.
You are a good guy too, I think....I wish the best for you.

[SaraSmile]

Blah blah.

It's different, it's nice. And it's something women don't understand as well as men. You probably understand it about as much as we understand periods, so just accept it. Obviously extremes are bad, but otherwise, it's his body, his decision, and his pleasure.

Is he never allowed to masturbate? You're the only tap on his overfull barrel of sexual desire? That's VERY egocentric. And unfair.

Also, peoples COMPANY as well as sex get boring after overexposure, maybe he's just looking forward to some solidary time to do what he wants to do. You know... ACTUALLY have some free time for a change... Do things that interest him and not you etc.

Also, just because someone's mind is only 99% on you isn't enough grounds to destroy a relationship. However, attacking and investigating him, is.

This is all my admittedly slightly fascist male opinion, as I'm a little sick of the "zomg my bf wanks and im jealous" threads.

I guess you told me! LOL Yeah, you are right on a lot of this. I just wanted more reassurance. I finally got more. Neither one of us should ruin this relationship because we have a good thing.

[PeaceofMind]

hey i know how you feel
just recently i confronted my husband(of 1 yr) and he says that its natural to masterbate and the reason some men (married/commited men) watch porn is just for stimulation.
He says there are no relations b/w the porn and what they are watching they just need to "stimulate them"
This really hurts me..just like you i thought i was fullfilling his desires whatever he wanted but i dont get why does he have to watch this stuff or masterbate if whatever we do is enough.
I tottaly feel you on this.
I just feel so down and have no self confidence b/c it makes me feel like im doing something wrong ot not good enough for him.
He swears he loves me and is attracted to me and married me b/c of all of those things and more but i dont get why he has to look * porn.
It makes no sense to me.
I wanted to tell you i understand how you feel.