Thread: Husbands Excuse for Watching Porn

hello everyone..
i need your candid and frank advice..
Even the moderator can feel free to just express his/her opinion..i want to get a general idea from everyone here..
I've recently gotten married and my husband & i have a pretty good sex life..alot of times i offer him Oral Sex..or Sex anytime whenever and he doesnt always take the offer.
Im not offended by that but by what im about to tell you.
I recently saw on his computer one morning that he was looking porn or watching some videos(nothing crazy,usual porn stuff)
I was surprised at the fact that...i was right here next to him and he didnt make a move but once i was asleep at 1 am i noticed on the computer he has watched something that time.
i felt really devasted the next day..i felt so insecure..I know im a beautiful woman and i work out hard as well as take care of my body...I do alot for my husband and myself..b/c i dont want him to think of any inadequacy that he thinks i might have.
anyway...i confronted my husband and he was very very embrassed about everything....I felt bad inside but he said its hard for him to express everything.
He told me that all men masturbate and the real reason he saw the porn was that he is used to masturbating(since adolesence) and its hard to just STOP al together but he is trying.
He claims that he doesnt look the women in the videos or anything but that they are a means to the end..that he felt he needed that stimuation...
I just dont know what to believe.
Deep inside i feel so hurt so bad..and overall my husband is a gift in my life..he truely is a wonderful person & treats everyone like gold..has the patience of a saint..
I mean it when i say it
but this really really hurts me.
I feel that maybe he prefers those type of girls..maybe younger girls or different ethnicty then mine
i dont knwo what to think you guys
i really need all your help and your response
is his "excuse" valid or he is watching the porn to WATCH IT...
I feel so horrible that maybe its me or there is a fault in me or that im not satisfying him
I've confronted him and told him this and he proclaims 100 times that he luvs me, he is turned on by me, my body what i do ..but just this masturbating thing is hard to just all of a suddent STOP
do you guys all agree
he says the porn doesnt come first..the urge of masturbation does and he just watched the porn for the "act" for the visual effects nothing more..
Please someone tell me frankly what you think..
Im willing to do alot with him....im not uptight & will provide him with anything he wants..looks wise and body wise i know im good...but inside i've got no self esteem or self worth left when it comes to sex and my husband..

Ok i signed up on this forum just to respond to this post b/c I think this is an important subject. I figured as a mid 20s male in a committed relationship who watches porn, that I may be able to afford some assistance.

First of all, it's highly unlikely that your husband watching porn has anything to do with you at all. I can't emphasize this enough. I view porn time as personal time, and it has nothing to do with my lady or her physical or sexual powers. Porn provides a convenient medium for seeing & fantasizing about a variety of women or sexual situations. Variety is something that many men crave, and for me, variety of some type is a necessity. This does not mean that I want to do everyone or everything i see in films, and for the overwhelming majority, this fantasy land is enough and is part of a healthy sexuality.

His response that he "doesnt look at the women" tells me that he knows of your self-esteem issues and he is concerned about hurting your (admittedly) fragile feelings. It's a white lie to protect you from the reality that he probably enjoys it to some degree or another. It sounds like you two care about each other, and from my perspective, this issue shouldn't even be a bump in the road.

I think the issue here is not him watching porn, but perhaps your internal struggle with that idea. There's nothing inherently wrong with masturbation or porn, and unless it's causing catastrophic problems, he should not be discouraged from either. In fact, I think you should try it out for yourself. It's not so scarry really. Watching porn as a couple can be an incredibly bonding and comedic experience you know (though you might want to pick the porn according to your own tastes). This may help you overcome your tensions on this issue. If you forbid porn and masturbation it can only cause problems ending with disaster - you're fighting instincts as well as his personal free will. If he chooses to not watch porn then fine, but this decision should not be dictated (unless you want to see his rebellious side, mom ).

What is very important is that you find some way to improve your sexual self-esteem, and to NOT necessarily attack perceived sexual threats. Improving your sexual self-esteem is something probably the ladies here can help you with, though it's well beyond my expertise . Human sexuality is a complex subject because we are complex beings, and it's important to always keep this in mind throughout our sex lives.

Originally Posted by Stone

Porn provides a convenient medium for seeing & fantasizing about a variety of women or sexual situations. Variety is something that many men crave, and for me, variety of some type is a necessity.

Don't mean to offend, just trying to understand what you are meaning, but if you (or any male) feel the need to fantasize about a variety of women why have you settled down in a committed relationship?

Originally Posted by Fallen1

Don't mean to offend, just trying to understand what you are meaning, but if you (or any male) feel the need to fantasize about a variety of women why have you settled down in a committed relationship?

Fantasy is very different from reality. I don't want to generalize, but in my case, fanatasy is just that. There are lots of fantasies, not just sexual. There is the fantasy of walking by your Boss's door and tossing a grenade in as you go. Doesn't mean you would ever do it, or would want to if you could get away with it - just a momentary fantasy.

You may fantasize you are an explorer, an athlete, whatever. Whey you fantasize about exploring the arctic, you arent thinking about lugging around a sleeping bag with 20 pounds of frozen sweat. You only fantasize about the good stuff.

Same for sexual fantasies. Maybe you fantasize about making it with an entire Swedish volley ball team (of your prefered gender). You aren't worried about disease, embarissment, discomfort, or anything - it is just a fantasy.

Role playing (another thread) is just a shared version of this fantasy. Its great when you can share fantasies, but you may have private ones that are too embarassing.

Nothing should be too embarrassing that you can't share it with a spouse. And if your spouse feels they have some embarrassing fantasy that they don't want to share with you, that's a huge issue- one of trust AND sexuality.

Originally Posted by Fallen1

Don't mean to offend, just trying to understand what you are meaning, but if you (or any male) feel the need to fantasize about a variety of women why have you settled down in a committed relationship?

THANK YOU.
I understand why men watch porn. They like seeing naked, beautiful women. However, I don't think one should fantasize about others if you're in a relationship. It's like you're getting the benefit of being in a happy, loving, good relationship, and yet mentally you're thinking about having sex with all these other women. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you wanna settle down with one woman because you love her and want that intimacy and comfort that comes with it, great! But don't expect her to be completely alright with you masturbating to the thought of other women. A lot of us don't complain about it, but that in NO WAY means we're okay with it, though I'm sure some are. Just my two cents.

Originally Posted by ChelseaRenee

THANK YOU.
I understand why men watch porn. They like seeing naked, beautiful women. However, I don't think one should fantasize about others if you're in a relationship. It's like you're getting the benefit of being in a happy, loving, good relationship, and yet mentally you're thinking about having sex with all these other women. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you wanna settle down with one woman because you love her and want that intimacy and comfort that comes with it, great! But don't expect her to be completely alright with you masturbating to the thought of other women. A lot of us don't complain about it, but that in NO WAY means we're okay with it, though I'm sure some are. Just my two cents.

I agree. I don't like it and it feels like a betrayal in a way, especially considering I wouldn't do that to a guy I'm dating. But I've realized that it's not worth the fight, it's not going to change.

Thanks for understanding! I understand the desire behind it, but once yu decide to be with someone else, you have to decide to do things that benefit BOTH of you in the relationship, and I fail to see how jerking it to other women does this. It never ceases to amaze me how many men will say women need to get over men watching porn and fantasizing about other women because it's all an issue of their own self-esteem, and not the man's problem. Well, lemme tell ya, if you're seeing not giving up porn as more important than your spouses self-esteem, you have bigger problems than naked ladies dancing in your head.

Originally Posted by ChelseaRenee

Thanks for understanding! I understand the desire behind it, but once yu decide to be with someone else, you have to decide to do things that benefit BOTH of you in the relationship, and I fail to see how jerking it to other women does this. It never ceases to amaze me how many men will say women need to get over men watching porn and fantasizing about other women because it's all an issue of their own self-esteem, and not the man's problem. Well, lemme tell ya, if you're seeing not giving up porn as more important than your spouses self-esteem, you have bigger problems than naked ladies dancing in your head.

Yes. But no sense in getting upset over it. (even though we all do)
The kind of guy who watches porn knowing it bothers his girl is selfish. That's why he's watching it in the first place, because he wants to, and he's going to whether or not is hurts someone he cares about.
So porn isn't really the issue, it's selfishness that is the real root of the conflict, I'm going to venture to say that if your guy watches porn even though you've told him it makes you feel bad, that there are a whole host of other selfish things he does that makes him feel good with complete disregard to your feelings.

Just me two cents.

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Yes. But no sense in getting upset over it. (even though we all do)
The kind of guy who watches porn knowing it bothers his girl is selfish. That's why he's watching it in the first place, because he wants to, and he's going to whether or not is hurts someone he cares about.
So porn isn't really the issue, it's selfishness that is the real root of the conflict, I'm going to venture to say that if your guy watches porn even though you've told him it makes you feel bad, that there are a whole host of other selfish things he does that makes him feel good with complete disregard to your feelings.

Just me two cents.

Absolutely. The initial reaction to porn someone may have may be what begins the conflict, but in the end it's about how much your spouse respects your feelings about him watching porn. I doubt anyone's feelings have ever been hurt if they were asked to stop watching porn, so no one can really say the hurt feelings thing would go both ways (meaning, that if he kept watching her feelings would be hurt, I don't see why his feelings would be hurt if he couldn't anymore. It's not a necessity or anything that SHOULD provide anything emotionally. That's a whooole another problem) I'm lucky in that my S/O and I have had this discussion and resolved it, BECAUSE we had that mutual respect.