Thread: Don't know what else to do!

For about 6 months to a year now sexual moments with my wife has been getting fewer and fewer we went from 2-3 times a week to almost 2 - 3 month. I have tried everything i can to change that, From doing alot more house work, cooking cleaning(in hope to stop the complaint of having no time fo sex) to special time together, back and foot massages candle lit baths, quiet time even little gifts here and there, flowers candy...etc....

The more i do the more it seems to drive her away from wanting sex.

And yes i have also tried starvation sex ideas, where i dont ask for it for a month at a time in hope she'll ask for it and im sure there are more things ive tried without success.

Do any women out there have any suggestion or thoughts. I have asked my wife question trying to figure out if im doing something wrong, not doing something to help her get in the mood. She alwyas says," Nothings wrong, or Im just tired, or im busy with work(business or household)"


What else can i do?

I have now found a topic by aa889d that says all i said but in better detail, im going to watch that post and hopfully get some help there, no reason for members to post in 2 spots for same problem.

Originally Posted by Confusedman

For about 6 months to a year now sexual moments with my wife has been getting fewer and fewer we went from 2-3 times a week to almost 2 - 3 month. I have tried everything i can to change that, From doing alot more house work, cooking cleaning(in hope to stop the complaint of having no time fo sex) to special time together, back and foot massages candle lit baths, quiet time even little gifts here and there, flowers candy...etc....

The more i do the more it seems to drive her away from wanting sex.

And yes i have also tried starvation sex ideas, where i dont ask for it for a month at a time in hope she'll ask for it and im sure there are more things ive tried without success.

Do any women out there have any suggestion or thoughts. I have asked my wife question trying to figure out if im doing something wrong, not doing something to help her get in the mood. She alwyas says," Nothings wrong, or Im just tired, or im busy with work(business or household)"


What else can i do?

Hello Confusedman-

It seems as though you have approached this from many angles. Sometimes when we have exhausted all we know to do in a situation it can be frustrating. Getting a fresh perspective can at times really turn things around. Especially when an impartial third party can hear in detail from both of you. The one thing I noticed missing in your thread is counseling. Have you two gone to any counseling together? Have you two thought about this or discussed it as an option? I know it can be expensive. However, if you are covered or if you can manage this it might benefit you both.

did counciling, for about 6 weeks, wasnt sex counciling(if there is such a thing) but marriage counciling. The only good it did was to tell me where i was lacking, in the cleaning and housework department. And i did get to voice my feelings about sex or lack there of, but the sex didnt change. I fact the only thing that seemed to change was the excuses.

ex. "what happened to you, i was willing last night, but u didnt show any signs of wanting it."

Maybe some one can help figure out the "signals" for a woman wanting it.

Both my wife and I work full time jobs, and we have a 2 1/2 yr old little girl. My wife is an addmited work-aholic so when the standard work day is over, i come home cook dinner, start a couple loads of clothes and pick up the house alittle. She gets home, changes into her night cloths(not sexy one's) and wors on loggin info in the computer for work or other household items while im cooking.
After dinner she give our daughter a bath anbd then puts her to bed.
Then she returns to her work on computer till 10:30pm or 11pm then it to bed. She hands me the remote to the tv and pushes lotion into my hands so i can rub her feet, (its a trade off deal), when then she normally falls asleep. Thats my evening everynight.

been married for seven years, dating for 10 before that, been sexual together for 11 years, in the begining it was great multiple times a day, everyday, everywhere also. oral in public and intercourse in many places we werent supposed to be. That sex lasted for 5 years up till after honeymooner year, then sex started getting cut, day by day. till now its 2-3/month

Originally Posted by Confusedman

did counciling, for about 6 weeks, wasnt sex counciling(if there is such a thing) but marriage counciling. The only good it did was to tell me where i was lacking, in the cleaning and housework department. And i did get to voice my feelings about sex or lack there of, but the sex didnt change. I fact the only thing that seemed to change was the excuses.

ex. "what happened to you, i was willing last night, but u didnt show any signs of wanting it."

Maybe some one can help figure out the "signals" for a woman wanting it.

Hello Confusedman-

OUCH! It really concerns me when I hear that people haven't received any positive progress from counseling. Yes, there is such a thing as a sex therapist. I've heard mixed reviews on this as well. Perhaps you just did not give it enough time or you did not get the right counselor for the two of you. I know the latter to be true more often than is acceptable. But it does happen. Counseling is not an over night fix. Sometimes it can feel like forever when you're going through a situation such as yours. But remember a situation usually does not happen overnight....and the fix does not usually happen overnight either. That's not easy to hear when you're hurting. I wish you the best.

6 weeks isn't long enough, not for what's going on in your relationship.
All I can think of is that she's resentful that you didn't help out for so long that she can't get past it.

I commend you for really trying to make it work and making the changes that she wanted. I would suggest going back to counseling and making a long-term commitment to it. (at least 6-8 months) My guess is that there is something deep down that is going on with her and sticking it out with a therapist, it will eventually come out.

Good luck to you.

This seems to be a sadly common problem. There are several threads on this topic floating around. The details are different, but in general we have a wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband more than ~1/month. The husband is behaving resonably.

In some cases the mismatch in desire seems fundimental. Has anyone found a working solution? I haven't heard anyone claim therapy was sucessful.

That leaves divorce, cheating, virtual castration, suicide. Or, in some cases the wife may comply with the husband's desires - and that feels like prostitution.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

This seems to be a sadly common problem. There are several threads on this topic floating around. The details are different, but in general we have a wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband more than ~1/month. The husband is behaving resonably.

In some cases the mismatch in desire seems fundimental. Has anyone found a working solution? I haven't heard anyone claim therapy was sucessful.

That leaves divorce, cheating, virtual castration, suicide. Or, in some cases the wife may comply with the husband's desires - and that feels like prostitution.

Hello rcoreyus-

I have read some of what you're going through in your posts. My heart goes out to you as well. I can only offer you the same advice....long term counseling with the right counselor for the two of you. It seems like such as shame that your relationship is in its current state. From what you have posted (that I have read) you really love your S/O and you are creative and have so much to offer. In terms of counseling....I know couples that it has worked for. Of course if it works they're not likely to post threads about the previous undesired situation. Perhaps that's why we don't get to see those threads....people usually reach out when they have a concern not when all is well. I hope that suicide is not an option for you. I only say this out of concern. I wish you all the best and a positive resolve to your situation.

Originally Posted by inquisitive1

Hello rcoreyus-

I have read some of what you're going through in your posts. My heart goes out to you as well. I can only offer you the same advice....long term counseling with the right counselor for the two of you. It seems like such as shame that your relationship is in its current state. From what you have posted (that I have read) you really love your S/O and you are creative and have so much to offer. In terms of counseling....I know couples that it has worked for. Of course if it works they're not likely to post threads about the previous undesired situation. Perhaps that's why we don't get to see those threads....people usually reach out when they have a concern not when all is well. I hope that suicide is not an option for you. I only say this out of concern. I wish you all the best and a positive resolve to your situation.

I appreciate your concern - thank you. No, I won't really kill myself - that would be far more hostile to my wife than divorcing her, which I won't do either. I am going to try to figure out how to bring up counseling - but I don't have high hopes.