Thread: Sex/relationship problem - need urgent help

I'll just cut to the chase.

I'm 21 years old and have been with my current girlfriend (who's 20) for almost six months. I had several girlfriends before her, but she's the only one I've ever been in love with. She might be 'the one' for me.. Marriage and all that, in a few years.

Before we got together she was a virgin and over the course of these months we've gone from kissing to touching, frottage, handjobs.. We would even sleep naked in each other's arms, but no sex. I knew she didn't want to, so I just tried to restrain myself from even suggesting it. For a couple of weeks she's been trying to 'see how much of it will go in', until the pain was too much.. I tried to explain it to her that once her hymen breaks there's no turning back.. And that she should think about it twice. Yesterday afternoon the same happened at my place. She started undressing and taking my clothes off.. At one point, after an hour of kissing and fondling she got on top of me and lowered herself, but it hurt her so she stopped. Then she got on all fours so there would be easier entry, then laid on her back.. I got on top and.. It just happened. I could see she was in pain, so during those ten minutes I asked her three times if she was ok and whether I should stop.. She nodded as if everything was okay.. She had no intent to stop me, I would've backed off at the slightest hint that something was wrong.

Afterwards she turned her back at me and refused to let me hold her.. Got dressed, stormed out of the room before I could say much.. And then sent me a text message saying that she wanted her first time to be special, after waiting for twenty years. That I was indeed the right person, but we shouldn't have done it like that, in my bed, with the TV on.. And that she doesn't want to see me for at least a week. She's with her parents and hasn't picked up my calls since yesterday.


Now, I've tried to figure out what the is going on in her head. After a couple of months she had a big fight with her parents and wanted us to have sex as some kind of revenge against them.. I told her that she'd regret it and that we should wait. Don't really know how many guys would've done that.

If I'm the right guy and she did have a desire (otherwise the frottage and nakedness wouldn't have taken place.. or she would have at least stopped me at some point during the act), why could she be so angry? Just because there weren't candles and rose petals? What can I do to make things right at this point?

Just wait. Be patient, show that you really love her, try to show her that you don't want her just for sex.
For me, being able to have sex has been a slow and sometimes painful process. It came with a lot of emotional turmoil, rethought decisions, etc, and I'm sure it's happening that way for her.
I feel like that a lot of the time, sex is painted for women as either something awful and sinful or else that angels-singing, fireworks-popping BS. It's hard to get around that and think of sex as what it is:
Something enjoyable, that with LOTS of practice, could be a great connection between two people, depending on the people.
Try to talk to her when the week is up. There might be no going back, but it seems to me you put up all the right roadblocks and it was her decision to have sex; her decision to confuse herself.
Good luck.

She seems to sound a little bit immature still for 20, but that doesn't stop the fact that you love her and she seems to love you too, give her her week then give her he fairytale special night, nice date, dinner, your place fancied up, or a nice Hotel, candles ect. make it as nice and romantic as possible,with or without the Promise of sex, just cuddle if that is all she is wanting at that time. but open the door with what you think she is hoping for.

Ahhh, we women are a mystery, are we not?

She has probably imagined her first time as something from "90210" - candles and romance and maybe a little pain, but pain that would instantly be overcome by passion. A soap opera first time.

Unfortunately it doesn't always happen like that. And its not going to feel spectacular the next few times, just better than the first time.

It seems to me like she would like YOU to make a big deal out of the fact that she gave her virginity to you. You said you tried to hug her but she wouldn't let you - maybe she was testing you a little bit. She gave you the one thing in her life she can't give to anyone else and she was perhaps expecting a different reaction than she got when it was over. So maybe you can do that for her. Give her a "second first time" and make a big deal of it, do the whole romance package, and let her know how much it meant to you.

Her not speaking to you for a week? I don't understand that part. She is punishing you for something that she's not communicating. You should tell her that if she wants to have to have a sexual relationship, she needs to tell you if something is bothering you. Women aren't the only ones who are vulnerable after sex!

Men are not mind readers. I learned this a long time ago, and it sounds like your girlfriend needs to realize this as well. Of course it's going to hurt the first time, and even if there was candles and Frank Sinatra singing surround sound, it would still hurt. If she really does want all of the romance, then I suggest you provide it, as mentioned in a previous reply. Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. And, as my boyfriend explained to me, apologize even though you didn't really do anything wrong. "I'm sorry it wasn't what you imagined it to be, it still meant everything in the world to me. I'll make it up to you. I love you. Thank you for loving me back." Etc. Hope you get things worked out.

I love what everyone else has said-

- be patient

- apologize for nothing (and get used to it, we women are unjustly complicated at times)

- love her unconditionally

And a beautiful diamond bracelet for Christmas might not hurt J/K

My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend, thank you for being one of the few wonderful, respectful gentleman out there. Keep it up

Thanks for your posts..


Things have gotten a bit worse.. She did talk to me yesterday, only to tell me she's missed her period by over a week. There's no possible way she's pregnant, how could that happen to anyone from mere touching and fingering? I tried to talk her into getting a pregnancy test (I would even buy it for her so she'd avoid the so-called shame of getting one from a pharmacy), but she turned me down.. She said she was too afraid of the possible results and that's she'd just wait until her period would finally arrive. So yes, that is immature. She's always been a little childish and airheaded (somehow it's part of what I find interesting about her), but we could at least talk about things. Now she won't even do that. Yesterday everything escalated into a big fight.. She told me how she felt ****** and dirty, how she had wanted her first time to be different and worth remembering.. I did suggest we could try it again whenever she feels ready, with the proper setting and everything (like some of you said), but at that point in the conversation it just made me sound like I was only interested in sex. We went our separate ways and she won't pick up my calls again.

Sometimes I really find it difficult to handle her.. In the first few months she told me how she needed a lot of attention from her partner, so I gave her just that. Lately she's been telling me I call her too much (twice a day doesn't sound that much to me, but so be it). Now she's all cranky and uppity, an hour later there's a big smile on her face. At first I thought of it as a challenge, but sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do to make things okay for both of us. At first she had security issues (we had been together before, a few weeks during 9th grade, but I ended that relationship without much consideration).. I told her it was natural, that we're both older now and that I'd be there for her this time.

I just don't know what to do. I really do love her, otherwise I wouldn't have ended this at the first sign of trouble, but right now I feel powerless.

Sex only happened yesterday. The rest was all fingering, for about two months now.

Sex can change the rhythm of your menstrual cycle.
She's acting amazingly awful! I wish I could tell you to give that [B-word] some space ... since she seems to be acting like one ... but I know you feel like you've got to settle it.
Kudos for dealing with her. But know that this will probably not be her last tantrum. Are you sure she doesn't have any kind of mental imbalance? I hate to ask that, and I'm sure it sounds extreme, but things like that start out small.
I wish you the best of luck