Thread: I need advice please

Hi Ladies

This is my first post here, I read a lot and you all seem to give great advice so I wanted to ask something..

Im dating someone a little older than me... hes in his 30s, and Im in my 20s. He has been divorced before,and this is my first serious relationship. When we met he was so sweet and kind to me, and he really seemed to love me. He still does, there is just a problem we have.

Its been 3 years now we've been together... something has been happening in the past year though that is really affecting me He looks at a lot of porn... I understand that men are visual and say they need to look at things, but this is getting excessive...its to the point where he will maybe be with me maybe 3 times a month, and only because I beg.. why should I have to beg? Im young, and Im not gorgoeus, but I have enough men stare at me in the streets to know Im not that bad...
I dont know what happened? How did I get replaced by porn? And when we do do anything, its only till he is happy, not me. Only what he wants, not me. I have never ever turned him down, and I have done some things I didnt want to do to make him happy Ive tried to explain how I feel but he only withdraws more. He says he has always done this, I just need to deal with it. It is making me feel terrible about myself, not good enough, degreaded that he values these porn stars more than me? The one who has been there for him when no one else has.. even his own family! I feel so hurt, and alone. I cry after being with him now because I remember what we used to have, and now its gone. And I know as a relativly young lady, I have needs too... I need to feel close in that way. If I am always feeling so neglected by him, will I someday get to the point where I need to find it from someone else?

Help please! What do I do? I dont even know anymore....All I know is I feel so hurt and lonely

It's just my opinion, but I would run the other way, if your not married yet you do deserve to have someone who is willing to at least try to satisfy your needs as well and it sounds like he has not intention of changing if he has already told you he has always done this. You don't have to live that way. My feeling if he loved you he would want you to be satisfied.

Originally Posted by bzmum6

It's just my opinion, but I would run the other way, if your not married yet you do deserve to have someone who is willing to at least try to satisfy your needs as well and it sounds like he has not intention of changing if he has already told you he has always done this. You don't have to live that way. My feeling if he loved you he would want you to be satisfied.

that's pretty much my feeling too..well said "bzmum6"..

Originally Posted by angel*rose

Hi Ladies

This is my first post here, I read a lot and you all seem to give great advice so I wanted to ask something..

Sounds like I would agree with the others, from what you have written. Run!

The part that stands out to me is that you said," Ive tried to explain how I feel but he only withdraws more. He says he has always done this, I just need to deal with it." Think about it, this isn't just about making love, it's something more. When you love someone and they come to you telling you how they feel and all you can say is "that's the way it is and just deal with it". That is not love nor respect.
Listen, I could say maybe he's not in love with you anymore, he loves you but not in love. Or maybe this or that but really that is not the issue. Sweetheart, think about it, if you want to one day marry him and have a family would you want this for the rest of your life? I'm not just talking about the sex thing. Your husband not even caring or even trying to meet your needs in any way. He would be the father of your children. I can't remember what movie this was but alls I remember is:you can hurt now or hurt later.
At least try and talk to him one more time but tell him it's not about the sex. It's about showing he cares if soemtthing upsets you, that if something bothers him also he should talk to you about so you both can meet middle ground.
No relationship of any kind can last without respect of meeting each others needs or caring to even try. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SEX, its about showing interest in how the other person feels, not just your own.
I wish you luck and I hope he does care and opens up. Take care.

i'm a man,and i have to agree with the ladies, get out .

I am not very experienced with dating either, I am in my first good serious relationship too but my man lives to make me happy. He is the sweatest man I have ever met. I am 19 and he is 24 so there is an age difference too but he shows me respect and does not make me do things I would not want to do. Are you happy? Do you feel respected? If you answered no to any of these then you need to try to figure out how to fix the problem even if it means getting out of the relationship. It might be hard to leave him since you have been together for 3years but if he has changed in a bad way withing 3years then think it will probably just get worse if you stay. You deserve respect and to be happy, if you do things for him you would rather not do then it is fare he does things for you as well. You are young and obviously a pretty women if men turn their heads to look, so do not stay with a man who doesn't want to please you because there are many men who are looking for nice women they can love and respect. Keep you options open and find a man who wont make you cry unless they are tears of joy

Good Luck!!!

ps. Whatever you do, do not stay in the relationship because you think you can change him, because that never happens it just get worse and you will become depressed. ( i may be young but I have already learned that the hard way and wasted 5years on a guy but I finally gave up and found an amazing man who respects me and you can do the same!!!)

Originally Posted by angel*rose

He says he has always done this, I just need to deal with it. It is making me feel terrible about myself, not good enough, degreaded that he values these porn stars more than me.[/SIZE]

I think I have a clue as to why he's divorced. I think you already know the answer as to what you should do here. You deserve better. Move on and don't waste anymore of your 20s on someone who is selfish. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you like you deserve.

You said you've done things for him that you didn't want to do.

DON'T do that again. With anyone.

What he is, he will always be. There is no changing him. In the beginning, all is wonderful, everyone is on their best behavior, the sex is wonderful. After a few years, whatever mask someone is wearing is bound to come off. Their true self always comes out.

I understand that it is your first serious relationship, and of course you don't want it to fail. But "first" is sometimes a jumping off point. You have realized what you want and expect from a relationship and you're entitled to have it. And there is a man out there to fulfill you and love and worship you. And you should be with that man, instead of a divorced, emotionally unavailable man who has replaced intimacy with you with sex with the computer.

Well said Ladylane, I couldn't agree more.