Help!

**PLEASE HELP!** · 12-17-2007 04:01 PM

Hello Ladies I am a 21 year old guy who has been in love with a beautiful girl everyday for the last 2 and 1/2 years. i found this website because you guys, sorry, ladies were discussing Porn Addiction. Sometimes i get on the computer and look up porn but this time i decided to look for help rather than decieve my girlfriend. She has caught me several times and it always leads to huge fights and no sex for a while. I try and explain things to her as best i can, i also am very open about it and want to stop because i know it hurts her. The problem is this: She was my first, girlfriend, companion, and lover but she made the mistake of telling me she had anal sex a bunch of times with these two other older more mature men. I was fine with it at first and tried to be mature about it but then i got a little curious and wanted to try it myself. She decided that she did not ever want to do it with me because it hurts and i tried to respect that decision seeing as its her body her choice. But then 2 years floated by and i just cant stop thinking about the girl that i love having hecka kinky freaky sex with older men. I don't neccesarily like porn but over the passed 2 years i have slowly became totally obsessed with anal sex, mostly i think because i am forbidden to have it with the girl i want to have it with most. Thus i turn to porn, no more than once every couple of months to satisfy my very strong urges, and its only only anal sex porn i don't care what the girls looks like I'm not attracted to the girl just the act but when she finds out she is disgusted and feels terrible about herself and she finds out every time because she checks the history. I really really try not to look at it but i just can help myself. She said she will leave if i keep doing it. I am posting this here seeking your advice on what to do rather than some man site because i think you ladies can ACTUALLY help me. Please don't tell me to just sit down and talk with her about it becuase it doesnt work, she doesnt want to hear excuses I just need to stop. Any Advice PLEASE THANK YOU - Jay

kaylar · 12-17-2007 06:36 PM

I think it is pretty clear to you that this relationship
is over. It ended the day you learned she had engaged
in anal sex with two different other men.

Either you believe you in love with an illusion and
the woman of your dreams is one who has never
engaged in anal.

Or

You may have homosexual tendencies which you
suppress and deny which have now surfaced.

Men on the down low will deny all homosexual
tendencies claiming 'they love women but have
sex with men.'

Many men on the down low begin with having
anal sex with women because they have a
resistance to that solely female organ, the vagina.

To put it coarsely, a man has a mouth and a man
has an anus; a man does not have a vagina.

**sourpuss** · 12-17-2007 07:48 PM

Kaylar, I have to disagree with you here. I think part of the problem is in his mind. Like he said, he's fixating on it because it's taboo and forbidden.
Try to understand that she wants nothing to do with it AT ALL. To me it sounds like she did it with these men, even though she didn't want to and now she feels bad about it and now, here again is another guy who wants to do it and since he can't he goes behind her back and gets off to other women doing it. Try to understand that it probably really hurts her feelings.

I can't tell you how to stop the urges, I'm not an expert in that dept. But just keep in mind how much you hurt her feelings when you do look at it.
What's the appeal anyways?

kaylar · 12-17-2007 10:31 PM

When someone fixates on something; a person
an action, there's an issue. In this case, after
the relationship ends with this woman, (who
should learn from this situation and keep her
past relationships past) this man is still going
to dream of anal sex.

So the post is really, as Caroline discerned;
a request for permission to engage in anal sex.

**sourpuss** · 12-17-2007 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by kaylar

When someone fixates on something; a person
an action, there's an issue. In this case, after
the relationship ends with this woman, (who
should learn from this situation and keep her
past relationships past) this man is still going
to dream of anal sex.

So the post is really, as Caroline discerned;
a request for permission to engage in anal sex.

But that doesn't make him gay. It just means that he's a guy that wants to have anal sex with his girlfriend even though she does not want to.

kaylar · 12-17-2007 11:32 PM

I do not wish to get into a long involved
psychological discussion. I would simply
suggest, for your own enlightenment, you
do a bit of reading on the 'down low'.

**PLEASE HELP!** · 12-18-2007 12:30 AM

Thank you all so much for responding, i would just like to clear a couple of things up... i wasn't trying to ask for permission to have anal sex but i can see where you got that from. I honestly don't think i could actually do it to her i just wanted YOU ALL to say that I'm not totally evil for the feelings that i have, she makes me feel bad about the way i feel and i totally understand why, which is why i really really want to get over this. As far as "down Low" suggestion i can see where your idea came from and i have questioned myself that very same question, but only for a few moments as i am very very sure that i like girls. When half of you are saying that my relationship is over and "doomed" this is the scary part, i don't want to hear that, and I am shaking now just thinking about it, breaking up is not an option, i love her and would not have sex at all if thats what she wished (I just might end up looking at porn sometimes). I also understand that some of you don't want to get involved into long psychological problems and sick sexual fantasies of mine so after this comment i will try and take my problem elsewhere i just felt so much more comfortable talking about it with a more sensitive crowd, It was the first time i have talked to anybody about it besides my girlfriend and i appreciate you all offering you opinions. But please offer any other advice that you have because i still don't know what to do, i don't want to look at anal sex porn, we are not breaking up because i cant handle what she told me and we are also not breaking up because i have become obsessed with anal sex that would be ******. I love regular sex with her, we do it like once a week, i just have one little urge that i am having trouble dealing with. I guess what I'm getting at is "Can i openly ask her if it is alright if i look up just a little bit of porn once in a while to satisfy this urge because she does not want to do it," is it possible for a woman to be ok with this or at least allow it for the sake of our relationship? Thank you for help once again i will try not to bug you nice ladies with my anal sex obsession any longer. For the record, i think Sourpuss is the most correct, i really think its all in my head and i can get over it maybe, i just dont know how to get over it, and im pretty sure i am obsessed with these things (the act, and the porn) because they are taboo, she has made it explicitly clear that we will not have anal sex and i am not to watch porn, maybe if she allows a little bit of porn OR is open to small gentle forms of experimentation or would that even help at all? would it make it worse? should i even ask such ****** questions? will she think of me less of a man after i ask this? after all thats happened? I just dont know what to do.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 12-18-2007 07:38 AM

I'm a guy.

Ignore those saying that the relationship is over - it could well be, but not about this I think.

I'm in the same boat, my girl's done anal with a couple of other guys, but never with me. I'm pretty sure that she feels stronger for me than she ever has for another guy. It just hurts her too much, I guess - and that she was less sure about things back then...

I think Kaylar's just got a bee in her bonet about anal because she doesn't like it, don't for a second think that your gay just because you want to have anal sex with a woman. Kaylar also seems to neglect the fact that someone can be BIsexual... And I think most men are bisexual but have difficulty admitting it in today's culture (when you look at humanity before ****ed up religion you'll see sexuall active and free people. Eg, the greeks, eg tribes of monkeys etc).

Since you want to be told it; IT'S OKAY! People fantasize, that's the way it works. Half of the stuff in my head is pretty disgusting. And as far as porn goes, it's my personal opinion that women who war against porn dont have any self confidence, and are just jealous, thinking that you want other people and stuff. There's nothing inherently wrong about it, and a lot of woman have accepted that it's fine. A lot of women who hate porn will read an erotic book - men are turned on by visuals, women by emotions. (so they're just being hypocriticl

)

So my advice to you would be to download some hardcore anal porn and clear your history. If she gets ****ed, just say "sorry, I've developed an interest in anal sex, and I thought instead of finding a different willing partner I'd watch a bit of it on TV. If she's going to make life unbearable after this then she's not worth it; dump her.

As far as stopping pornography goes - it's a tricky one. Men are pretty much addicted to sex, and if your partner doesn't supply enough then you'll masturbate to make up the differential. Porn is a masturbation aid. To stop watching porn you better be in a VERY sexually satisfying relationship. If the problem's with masturbation altogther, then tell them to get over themself, there's no point stopping something so natural and fun. (although women never seem to understand that what happens in our heads while masturbating is generally worse than the porn we might be watching, but what they don't know won't hurt them).

Okay, that's about all I've got to say. Read the million and one masturbation threads if you want to know/read more about it.

How does she feel about you masturbating? Because she's crazy if she thinks once a week is enough for you....

kaylar · 12-18-2007 09:41 AM

It is rather offensive when one posts researched
and reasoned observations, to have such dismissed
as 'personal' feelings.

One need not fly around the world to be aware
of Deep Vein Thrombosis. It exists. If I were
to quote, for example, the recent report on the
prevalence of DVT , it is rather silly to say;
'don't listen to Kaylar, she hates airlines.'

People believe the down low is some black phenomenon that doesn't translate to the white
community.

This is untrue.

Many white men who appear ever so macho, laughing
in excitement as they give their wives a big sloppy kiss, jumping into the car with their buds, is on his way to
engage in anal sex with them or someone like them.

The original poster spent quite a bit of time
describing his fascination with anal sex.
He described his engrossement in pornography
which focuses on anal sex.

As I post, he is considering watching another
XXX video about anal. He has pushed his
girlfriend to the limit by demanding it.

Since anal sex has become 'charged' let us
substitute vegetarianism.

Let us translate the first poster's language
concerning anal to vegetarianism.

He thinks about it all the time, he demands
his girl friend become a vegan. He buys all
sorts of meat substitutes and demands she
cook them, until she reaches the stage she
gives him an ultimatum, either stop pushing
or I'm out here.

Yet, he can't but smuggle vegie beef into the
flat, cook it when she's not there. And think
about it all the time.

If he made a very long post about it, if one
had any experience whatsoever in counseling,
whether official or unofficial, one would
come to the conclusion that this person has
a fixation and that such is so strong it will not
easily be overcome.

During the next year you will see more media
attention paid to the 'down low' as it has
now moved into white society.

The interesting facet of the downlow is that
those who practice it claim to be heterosexual
and reject everything about the 'gay life',
i.e. gangsta rappers with their violent
lyrics and thug behaviour are on the down low.

The fascination with anal sex is an indication.

Most of those on the downlow who have been
interviewed begin with the fixation on anal
sex; many saying that they are not gay or never
had attraction for men. They began with their
wives/girl friends, then moved to other men.

In the Black community, where the phenomenon
is of a longer study, many of those who began
with wives/girlfriends and the proclamation that
they were not homosexuals, have now described
themselves as 'bisexual' and a number are living
with male partners.

Don't dismiss my responses as 'personal' for
they are not.

Doing a Google of 'down low' is not beyond the
capabilities of anyone on this MB. I suggest
that before one seeks to disregard what is
attributed as my 'personal' feeling, such
research is done.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 12-18-2007 10:52 AM

Perhaps your DVT example would be more appropraite to this thread if it was "If you have a slightly stiff leg it's a pretty **** good liklihood that you've got DVT". - and you know what doctors think of internet-specialist patients lol.

Your opinion showed that you think that wanting anal sex is a strong indicator of HOMOsexual (you didn't even mention bi before, and this is a big issue) tendancies or leanings. It seems for you that no straight man could want to have anal sex with his woman. Also, women can suck penis. If you fantasize about that are you gay, because a man can do it?

It's good that you've been doing some reading about something on the internet, but that doesn't mean that it solves all issues it's applied to.

As for him PUSHING his girlfriend, that's just ****. She has a huge problem with something that's really minor, she's the one with issues if you ask me.

Also, I might be wrong here, maybe it's a well known meaning, but using a term such as "down low" like everyone knows the lingo would be well accompanied by a short explanation, without forcing people to use google to understand what you're saying.

*Shrugs*

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