Thread: My partner doesn't enjoy sex...

[Despite the fact that you're not my favourite poster due to another thread, I'm answering.]
Some people are just not that big on sex. Some people think it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to them, and for some it's just no bells or whistles, and definitely no fireworks.
What really got to me about your post is at the end where you said you don't think you know what love is.
You will know love when you see it. And maybe it's a selfish opinion, but I would not be able to be with or stay with someone I knew I didn't love.
I got completely knocked on my tail end by love ... after a failed engagement. Believe me, when you experience true love, it will stop your heart to think of how much time you almost wasted on someone else.
I'm not saying it's not fixable. I'm not saying you couldn't still fall in love with her now. Every problem can be fixed. Is she open to sex therapy? How many methods of birth control do you have in place? Maybe it's a psychological reaction to not wanting to have to go through another unwanted pregnancy/possible abortion. Thoughts and beliefs can influence our bodies. People who have lost their legs can often feel them anyways, with pain very real to them. Maybe your girlfriend is psyching herself out in the same manner?
I wish you the best in this situation, and have a Merry Christmas.

Originally Posted by Little

[Despite the fact that you're not my favourite poster due to another thread, I'm answering.]

If this is because you thought I was talking to you in the "down low" thread, I wasn't...

Some people are just not that big on sex. Some people think it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to them, and for some it's just no bells or whistles, and definitely no fireworks.

Hmm, either she's a convincing liar, or she really is a sexual person trapped in a non-accomodating body.

How many methods of birth control do you have in place? Maybe it's a psychological reaction to not wanting to have to go through another unwanted pregnancy/possible abortion. Thoughts and beliefs can influence our bodies.

I've considered this as a possibility. She's on the contraceptive pill, and that is all. I think that the majority of this issue for her is purely psychological. But what can one do about something like this?

Originally Posted by fallen

I have to say that after reading other posts by you and now reading this one I am quite confused ...... then again maybe not.

I'm not trying to point fingers or blame, just offering a possibility. In reading your previous posts about different topics on sex and porn you can come across as a very abrasive personality. Women need tenderness and if you demonstrate this same attitude to her do you think it is possible that your harshness has some bearing in how she responds to you? You also mention the fact that you don't love her and you think she knows, I'm sure this also has it's bearing on things also.

Whilst I'm very blunt and absolute in debates, where the sole purpose is the conquest for the truth, I'm a very nice guy. I'm very nurturing and (unless it's on the rare occasion we're debating something and she's being silly) I am nothing but lovely to her. As for the love issue, yeah, I think this is an issue, and one which will probably ultimately have ramifications to our relationship.

I've been in a very similar situation for the last 11 years with my wife. Nothing has worked. We've tried everything we could think of to find her lost sex drive: consultation with medical doctors, drugs, topical ointments, increased romance, reducing her daily household chores, getting way from the kids, not having to work, going back to work, even agreeing not to have sex altogether for awhile to eliminate any psychological pressure. NOTHING has worked. She has no sex drive. Now she services me a couple of times a month just to keep me from going insane, and the rest of the time I take care of it myself. And that is OFTEN. I mean, like, several times a week. The whole situation makes me very, very sad. I spent the bulk of my life since I was a teenager (I'm in my 40s) longing for a sexual partner that was as into sex as I was, and now I'm stuck. It's frustrating for her, too, because she wants to be sexual but just has no interest whatsoever. My advice to you would be to get out of this relationship while you still can. You're not in love with her. Leave so you can both get on with your lives. Find the woman of your dreams. And as was said above, when you do you'll know it. - MiniVanMan

Thank God I'm not alone. I struggle with this daily. My story in a nutshell:

When my wife and I started dating 5 and a half years ago, we were hot and heavy off the bat. I was more experienced and she was a novice. She became insatiable at times (and I never complained)...although I knew that wouldn't last. WE had to do it every time we saw each other, and some nights would turn into marathon sessions for 2 or 3 days where we would just lay around, screw, watch TV, screw, order chinese, screw, bathe, screw...you get the picture.

Beyond that we really did have true love - I was able to communicate with her like no other woman in my past...she understood me, appreciated me and loved me the way I needed to be loved. Than we got engaged.

Shortly after we got engaged, she told me she wanted to abstain from sex for the rest of our engagement (about 10 months) until we got married. Since her father is a pastor and she came from a church family, I respected that, but still had my reservations. I told her sex was an emotional thing - and you can't just turn it on and off with a switch. My biggest fear was that she would turn it off, we would get married and she would never be able to turn it back on. Slowly but surely I began to notice the way we interacted with each other was changing. She wouldn't let me touch her a certain way, see her change clothes, kiss her a certain way - she was afraid all those things would lead to sex, which she was trying to avoid. I told her although we weren't having sex we could still be affectionate, but nothing worked. Than the wedding came. She f*cked me 2 times a night on our honeymoon (by the 2nd night I could tell she was forcing herself) and when we got home didn't let me touch her for over 3 weeks. I have tried everything - begging, romancing, talking, doing anything she asks - I've tried being a bad husband (lazy, unhelpful), a great husband (which is normally what I am) and everything in between. I send her articles on sex, etc.

In the beginning I forced her to talk about this problem all the time - she said it was temporary (and so did some of my confidantes) and I never pressured her...but 3 years have gone by. She has never spoken to her doctor about it...she MAY have spoken to her sisters about it, but I can't be sure. Either way, it has affected our marriage, the way I think and feel about her and my outlook on the future in a drastic way.

I used to tell her - don't let this get to the point where I stop trying...because there may be no turning back. I'm at that point. The rejection tears me up inside...her love is a 1 way street - she gives it only when it suits her, and only how she wants to.

The last time we had sex was Christmas Eve, because I was drunk and left her a note that when she got back home (she drove one of our guests home) that I wanted sex (in a much nicer way)...I laid naked in bed waiting. It had been over 3 months since we did it before that (our wedding anniversary) and I couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, I was a bit drunk and aggressive and she was extra tight and I may have hurt her - so we ended before either of us could finish and I was ****ed.

She promised a make-up session the next day, but I won't hold my breath.

The worst part - I don't even know how to talk to her anymore - I am almost completely shut down emotionally...

Any ladies with experience in this? I would LOVE some help - you could be saving my marriage.

PS - Now that she will be turning 30 next month, she is talking about getting pregnant in 2008 (we don't have kids)...I have made the joke that she must plan on being the next Virgin Mary...but seriously - we hadn't had sex in 3 months and she was telling people she wants to have a baby!!! Is it me, or is that CRAZY?

Met, that is truely unfair. Is there nothing to help her? Maybe a therapist or something? Books? And children are never a good thing when there's any problems between the parents. It is so hard to say what happens to some people, but it seems to and then others get hurt by their lack of response. But you need to know its not you, its her. You can try to help her, but it's not you she's turning away from, it's something in herself she's shutting down. I wish I could help more.

metboogie. All I can really say is that puts things in perspective. Personally I don't think I'd get as far as marriage with someone who doesn't like sex, but it seems many women make the effort while they're obliged, and once they've got you locked in they don't even pretend to try.

Your a walking emotional support and wallet, and sperm donor, you aren't a loved partner, and this isn't something that's going to change. I fear she's using you, even if unintentionally, just like my partner might be to me.

You mentioned that she offered a make up session but doubted it would happen, the same thing happens to me, in a way. Offers of sex, tales of how much she wants it etc. however, it never winds up happening, or if it doesn, only to her rules/time/wants/v infrequently. For me, this makes me doubt EVERY time she says she wants it, to the point of outright not believing her.


I completely agree that it creates an emotional distance, it makes you feel unwanted, and changes your relationship from an amazing close thing, to a partnership of supposedly mutual interest. More like a "deal" than a relationship. The distance between you both escalates, until communication becomes difficult.

With me, if she ever has something emotionally playing on her mind I have to do whatever to make it better, cheer her up, whatever. If I even mention anything that might be a problem, she gets angry with me, and makes everything my fault.

She took the mickey out of her mum for making her dad always in the wrong, and blamed that for him leaving her, and even believes he was right to do so - what she doesn't see is that she's doing exactly the same to me.


I'm sorry to say, if I were you, I wouldn't bring a child into this relationship, I would end it, probably, although I know that's easier said than done. I believe that this is ultimately what will happen to my relationship.



The way I see it, sex is part of a romantic relationship/partnership, if you aren't interested in that, you can be friends with someone, but no more. If you just want someone to cuddle you better, make the world a barable place, support you emotionally and financially, you're looking for a replacement father not a man. And it is because of this that they have only themselves to blame when they wind up alone. They effectively just want to USE you as they see fit, to have a better life themselves.

This sounds a bit resentful, doesn't it?

I dont think you sound resentful, I think you know more about what to do in your own situation than you gave yourself credit for by the words you said on the subject of someone else.

Originally Posted by metboogie

Thank God I'm not alone. I struggle with this daily. My story in a nutshell:

When my wife and I started dating 5 and a half years ago, we were hot and heavy off the bat. I was more experienced and she was a novice. She became insatiable at times (and I never complained)...although I knew that wouldn't last. WE had to do it every time we saw each other, and some nights would turn into marathon sessions for 2 or 3 days where we would just lay around, screw, watch TV, screw, order chinese, screw, bathe, screw...you get the picture.

Beyond that we really did have true love - I was able to communicate with her like no other woman in my past...she understood me, appreciated me and loved me the way I needed to be loved. Than we got engaged.

Shortly after we got engaged, she told me she wanted to abstain from sex for the rest of our engagement (about 10 months) until we got married. Since her father is a pastor and she came from a church family, I respected that, but still had my reservations. I told her sex was an emotional thing - and you can't just turn it on and off with a switch. My biggest fear was that she would turn it off, we would get married and she would never be able to turn it back on. Slowly but surely I began to notice the way we interacted with each other was changing. She wouldn't let me touch her a certain way, see her change clothes, kiss her a certain way - she was afraid all those things would lead to sex, which she was trying to avoid. I told her although we weren't having sex we could still be affectionate, but nothing worked. Than the wedding came. She f*cked me 2 times a night on our honeymoon (by the 2nd night I could tell she was forcing herself) and when we got home didn't let me touch her for over 3 weeks. I have tried everything - begging, romancing, talking, doing anything she asks - I've tried being a bad husband (lazy, unhelpful), a great husband (which is normally what I am) and everything in between. I send her articles on sex, etc.

In the beginning I forced her to talk about this problem all the time - she said it was temporary (and so did some of my confidantes) and I never pressured her...but 3 years have gone by. She has never spoken to her doctor about it...she MAY have spoken to her sisters about it, but I can't be sure. Either way, it has affected our marriage, the way I think and feel about her and my outlook on the future in a drastic way.

I used to tell her - don't let this get to the point where I stop trying...because there may be no turning back. I'm at that point. The rejection tears me up inside...her love is a 1 way street - she gives it only when it suits her, and only how she wants to.

The last time we had sex was Christmas Eve, because I was drunk and left her a note that when she got back home (she drove one of our guests home) that I wanted sex (in a much nicer way)...I laid naked in bed waiting. It had been over 3 months since we did it before that (our wedding anniversary) and I couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, I was a bit drunk and aggressive and she was extra tight and I may have hurt her - so we ended before either of us could finish and I was ****ed.

She promised a make-up session the next day, but I won't hold my breath.

The worst part - I don't even know how to talk to her anymore - I am almost completely shut down emotionally...

Any ladies with experience in this? I would LOVE some help - you could be saving my marriage.

PS - Now that she will be turning 30 next month, she is talking about getting pregnant in 2008 (we don't have kids)...I have made the joke that she must plan on being the next Virgin Mary...but seriously - we hadn't had sex in 3 months and she was telling people she wants to have a baby!!! Is it me, or is that CRAZY?

I think that she doesn't really understand how much you are hurting and how serious you are. I don't think you should have kids at this time. Your marriage is not solid. I can't comment on the lack of desire. I've never had that problem.