Thread: Wifes lack of sexual interest????

I first have to say, just because it's been "going on for a month" doesn't mean you should be having thoughts of cheating. I'm a 23 yowf who has been with her boyfriend for 2 years. We're probably going to be getting engaged in the next 5-6 months before I graduate college as an RN.

He and I have this EXACT SAME PROBLEM. What I can tell you from experience, is the more patient you are with conversation, the more understanding she's going to be. If you EVER ensinuate (sp?) that she OWES you sex, or HAS to give it to you, it will totally send up a wall for her (at least it does for me). I unfortunately have a REALLY (un-naturally) low sex drive and I've learned from many mentors and friends that guys are made differently. It's not their (men's) fault, it's just the way God made them. My boyfriend explained it to me like this:

"you know how you love it when you come home from work and I kiss you on your forehead and cheek and sit down with you to talk about how your day was, then I offer to cook dinner because i know you're tired... well those 'sweet-cute-things' that guys do for women is the equivilant of what sex does for me. We need physical just like you need emotional."

It really put it in perspective for me! We've also been reading an EXCELLENT book called "LOVE and RESPECT" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He's a pastor but he has an incredibly down to earth, understanding approach that is really easy for both men and women to relate to.

One thing my mother has tried in their marriage: her gyno wrote her a Rx for a testosterone cream that she applies to her clitoris about 30 minutes prior to when they plan to have sex. She's let me try it and it actually works well! But there are several other options for women with low sex drives, she would need to ask her gyno.

If worse comes to worse, you guys might look into seeing a sex therapist!

But the stress and tired thing... really, you shouldn't get defensive right away and say that it's BS because it really may be stress or tired! My bf asks to have sex OFTEN and honestly, especially with me being in school and working, I really am stressed or tired! But I do know that if not now, one day when we're married, I won't "owe" him sex, but I do want my husband to be pleased and I plan to give it to him AT LEAST once a week, if not twice (Because statistically that's average). I don't want his eyes to start wondering, and even if I'm not in the mood, I plan to try EVERYTHING from creams, to pills, to just trying to enjoy it because I know he needs sex to feel love/close to me, just like I need "sweet-nothings" to feel love/close to him.

And my bf has the SAME argument for me... even when I'm not in the mood and I end up giving in... I end up enjoying it. When you said "she acts like she doesn't remember how much she liked it" I just laughed out loud, because I'm the same way! I DID LOVE it the time before, but my appetite was filled so full that time that I'm still held over! haha. But anyway, patience and compromise are the most important things in marriage (you, of anyone probably know that). So, it's an issue of if you're both willing to CARE ENOUGH to work on the problem.

When you guys next sit down and talk about this (and I don't mean after she's rejected you, I mean set a day aside that sex isn't anywhere close to happening), come to an agreement with her on how much sex you both feel is negotiable. And when it comes down to it, you may need to plan those days in advance. My parents choose every Friday, that way when that day comes: "tired" and "stress" isn't an option, because you guys have agreed upon it. Or, if you guys want more lee-way, you can set a twice-a-week quota, and then she can choose which days to initiate it... if she gets them done in the beginning of the week, good for her, she has the rest off. If it comes down to Friday and you guys still haven't had your two times, then she knows it's her part of the bargain to figure out two times to do it before the end of that week comes!

My last suggestion, do like the show "Hogan Knows Best" and each of you gets a "wish" day once a week. She gets 3 wishes on her day and you get 3 wishes on your day. Any wish goes (within limits, obviously). But, on her day she can have you walk the dog, cook supper, or WHATEVER she wants... the same for you! But I do suggest not to ask for sex 3 times with your 3 wishes, because it will probably just put a bad taste in her mouth.


That's all I've got... keep me updated!

I hate to think of sex as a "quota." That's just terrible to me. I'm the one in my relationship with the higher sex drive, and that's most certainly "How God Made Me." God "made" my boyfriend with a lower sex drive. No generalization works.
Rogers, you refer to sex like a chore ... having the rest of the week off ... wouldn't that sap all that's good out of the sex itself??
If you keep on living your life by statistical averages, you will end up miserable like the ladies on Desperate Housewives (personally, I don't watch it, but I catch the last 5-10 minutes of the Spanish version, and that's all I need to know that those women are sad.) I don't want that to happen to anybody.

Originally Posted by Little

I hate to think of sex as a "quota." That's just terrible to me. I'm the one in my relationship with the higher sex drive, and that's most certainly "How God Made Me." God "made" my boyfriend with a lower sex drive. No generalization works.
Rogers, you refer to sex like a chore ... having the rest of the week off ... wouldn't that sap all that's good out of the sex itself??
If you keep on living your life by statistical averages, you will end up miserable like the ladies on Desperate Housewives (personally, I don't watch it, but I catch the last 5-10 minutes of the Spanish version, and that's all I need to know that those women are sad.) I don't want that to happen to anybody.

That is exactly what I was thinking. I was wondering dare I say what I am feeling being older but the red flag went up from the moment I saw what she said. Sex must be spontanious. Desired. Sometimes wanted for no reason at all but the fact that you have the hots for the other person.

After you are married very often women's libido goes down. This is just from all the excitement of marriage and let's face it "the party's over". But it can't be. It never can be. Figuring out a daily schedule for something as erotic as sex just plain puzzles me. What happens in her years ahead? Will it then go to every two weeks?

It sounds just like a hospital procedure that she is putting into action on a regular schedule....You cannot schedule life and love and especially sex and make it work....

It sounds just like a hospital procedure that she is putting into action on a regular schedule....You cannot schedule life and love and especially sex and make it work....[/quote]

What I wrote here, I did not mean as it sounded. What I am trying to tell the young woman is you just can't plan life like that. Sex can come at anytime and anyplace. That is the fun of it. That is what keeps marriages so close. I never planned all the times when we were young that my husband would wake me up between my legs eating me. I never planned needing him so much that we would go in the bathroom and flush the toilet so the kids would not hear us on the floor making love..These are all part of life and love and happiness.

That is what I was trying to say....

I do COMPLETELY agree that sex SHOULD be spontaneous, but that's in a normal relationship... right!? One that isn't dealing with "sexual struggles". She obviously is having a hard time with sexual desire so what are you going to say to her, "listen my dear wife, you make sex seem like a chore, it's supposed to be desired and spontaneous." Maybe I'm crazy but I'm pretty sure they've probably already tried covering that base? I'm sure she knows that her lack of desire for her husband is NOT normal!?

Don't get me wrong by what I said, I enjoy spontaneous sex... heck, I enjoy sex, period... just not as often as my bf would like (which happens to be at LEAST once a day, in case you're wondering). My ideal number would probably be twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

I was just giving suggestions that I've heard of from other people. Obviously the "spontaneous" isn't working for his wife. She seems to be turned off by it, would that assumption be correct? I gathered that from the fact that when he tried waking her up by licking her, she told him to "stop it!" I just thought it sounded like they needed to come to a VERBAL agreement of what the problem is, what each of them NEEDS, and what is going to change. Because unfortunately, without putting a number to it, he's getting the bad end of the bargain. Spontaneous for her is once a MONTH?! That isn't cutting it for him, so I think they would benefit from talking about how often the other person is going to ideally want it and what they are going to do to make that agreement happen.

When one person wants it twice a week and the other person wants it once a month (or less), there has to be some kind of compromise and hopefully it's both parties that are doing it! If he wants to stay married to this woman and vice versa, hopefully he will be willing to accept a little less, and she will be willing to give a little more.

I hope I don't ever get to a point in my marriage that I "have" to perform sex like it's a chore. I would never let my husband think that he was "making" me have sex when I didn't want to. And believe me, I would try to really enjoy it. But you do have to realize that there are some women out there who do have REAL sexual dysfunctions. Just like there are some men out there who have REAL sexual dysfunctions and REAL issues. Take these examples from one of my favorites (Dr. Phil):

• Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That's slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek
• Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married. — Newsweek
• 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
• 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today
• 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today

(Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Sexless Statistics)



I do know that my (future) husband will have normal sexual desires and NEEDS... whether my sexual desires/needs exactly match his or not, I plan to fulfill those regardless of if I'm in the mood at the time... because I love my husband and I will sacrifice nearly anything to make my marriage work. It would hurt me bad to know that he was having wandering eyes for other women, because I wouldn't ever be intimate with him!?

And really, what is the issue with the "quota". If it gave her the power to choose when during the week she wasn't "tired" or "stressed", it would eliminate her being able to use her excuses and maybe she would enjoy it a little more! She could make the advances when she felt up to it (and not feeling up to it, isn't an option). And you know what, if she really is stressed out or tired, knowing she had 4 days off might make her a little more excited about that second "sexcapade"! Ya never know till ya try, right!?

I'm afraid the even deeper issue here is the fact that she doesn't even seem to be willing to recognize the problem or care to change it. She's become selfish and has forgotten that her husband has real needs, whether they match hers or not.

PS. Most women's sex drives peak in their late 30's (ACOG Education Pamphlet AP072 -- Sexuality and Sexual Problems)

any updates on this thread?

Nope, too depressing. Average of over once a week - I wish. Guess 10-20 % of couples probably have one miserable partner.

What is the fish oil diet and can i feed it to my bf without him knowing. : ).....


UL sounds to me from a womens point if view she maybe be insecure about herself and that can cause her to not want to have sex. i know i was starting to feel that way. and my man assured me i was not fat i was hot and loved me and told me how much i turned him on. if that is not the problem i have no idea. hope it all works out for you.

Kiwi99133,

Yes it works on men to. I take fish oil for an arthric shoulder. I tried uping the dose to see if it would work better. Well after a few weeks my wife asked me to lower my dosage. I wanted it all the time! Couldn't keep my hands off her. The fish oil is taken as a pill/capsule. There is fish oil in a liquid form but that might be hard to slip into his diet. Feed him fish for every meal might work!

The fish oil has many health benefits. Get him to take it for his heart or joints and then see if it help your other issue.

baseball guy

thank you i will try that. he has a bad ankle i will try to get him to take it.

I hope you don't have a fling. I think it would be the last thing she would want. I had this same problem for many years. My husband was very frustrated with me also. What helped me was watching an epsiode of Oprah. The topic was Erotica. So I researched Erotica online and
ordered some Erotica books for couples. I also found some porn sites and lets just say that when hubby got home from work he found a brand
new wife waiting for him. Things have been pretty hot and heavy since then and it's now been 3 months. He says he feels like he's gotten his bride back. I don't know why my libido was so dead but it was. I hope that you find that "thing" that gets your wife back on track. I know once we started having lots of sex the doors of communtication opened right up and our marriage has never been better. Good Luck!