Thread: need someone to just talk to

Ok I know when I post these things I always post somewhat like the same thing, I know everyone on here seems to have the same problems and all of that stuff. . But I want a guys advice on this and what I should think and if they have ever done anything like this to anyone. . .
But to move on. . . Ok me and my hubby have been living together for the last 6 months or so. . . give or take. . . I know that he has always looked at porn even before we were together. . . I know that and that isn't what bothers me. . . What really does is the fact that lately it seems like he would weither do that then to be with me in person. . . I look at his internet history while he is at work from when I am at work. . Just to see what he looks at and gets off to. . .
Lately it seems like the only time he wants to have sex with me is when we both have the day off. . . and even then I have to beg for it. . . It just seems like he would rather be with the porn then me. . . I don't like begging for it and I don't want to make him do something that he doesn't want to. . . If he doesn't want to be with me anymore why doesn't he just say something to me. . . I guess his hand does something that I just don't do. . . I don't know if I should talk to him about it or what. . . Or just give in and let the porn take our sex life away and something else he says that he doesn't have a sex drive but for some reason he is able to jack off everyday that I am not around. . . I don't know what to do anymore . . .

You need to have a very frank talk with him about this. You've only been married 6 months and this is already happening?! It's one thing to look at porn on occasion when you are not around, it's an entirely different story if he is spending more time and energy on porn than on your relationship. It may benefit the two of you to go to some couple's counseling.

sorry you're going through that. it's more common than you think.

many, many men are addicted to porn & that addiction almost always takes them to the place you're describing.

does his hand do something you don't? that's not it at all.

what porn offers that you can't is a place where he is unconditionally accepted, regardless of what he wants - a place where his desires are unquestioned & satisfied immediately, with no regard for anyone but himself. there's nothing required of him - and what he can request is limitless. he can engage with a particular girl doing whatever he whimsically chooses, then immediately be with someone else doing something else - all with the click of a mouse.

can the two of you, alone & together, recreate a situation where he can experience oral, anal, & vaginal sex with multiple partners of varying shapes & ages to varying degrees of sensuality, roughness, intensity?

of course not. sex wasn't designed to be that way.

sadly, in often takes guys years of pursuit of teh above before they hit a pitiful, hopeless dead-end that reveals the one thing YOU can provide that porn can't.

and it's often too late to salvage once he sees it.

i would encourage you to NOT be OK with the porn. i understand why it doesn't bother you - because for you it isn't all encompassing like it is for him. it seems like meaningless recreation & guys just being guys.

but porn consumption is a progression. it's a gradual numbing of what turns him on & an endless chasing after a better thrill. that's why porn actresses don't last long. they come in young & pretty doing unimaginably dirty things - but after a few years, they're old news. they don't provide the same thrill, and another one takes their place.

porn is killing his sexdrive & is making a mockery of you both. he doesn't need his desire to depend upon porn and you don't need your husband's desire for you to be filtered through porn.

i don't know you or your husband, don't know your personalities. in whatever way is best for him, my advice is that you confront him with your concern. and just lay it out there that you aren't willing to live with porn as a third partner in your marriage.

my wife did something very similar when we were dating - she really didn't judge me, though i know she wasn't happy to learn that i was into porn. she just said she knew what she could & couldn't do - and she couldn't live with porn.

i would be careful about the degree to which you make it a "line in the sand." that's where knowing your personalities & your relationship would help. it may be a line in the sand, but i think you have to be careful. it needs to be a better place that you're insisting the two of you go together, rather than a side you're standing on & demanding he come over, or else.

sticking your head in the sand will be tempting because, rest assured - the confrontation will not bring peace. but you can rest just as sure that the problem will escalate if you don't intervene. his sex drive will continue to be more & more dependent on porn, which will need to be harder & harder to get him aroused. he's likely to eventually lose his ability to keep an erection without it - and then probably even with it.

it's a losing proposition for you both to try to ignore it.

hard stuff - sorry you're dealing with it.

but also absolutely treatable. neither of you have to settle for it. just roll up your sleeves.

then work on getting him to roll his up. it's just a hurdle. marriage is full of them. looks insurmountable where you are, much smaller once you're on the other side.

Originally Posted by whilhelm

sorry you're going through that. it's more common than you think.

many, many men are addicted to porn & that addiction almost always takes them to the place you're describing.

does his hand do something you don't? that's not it at all.

what porn offers that you can't is a place where he is unconditionally accepted, regardless of what he wants - a place where his desires are unquestioned & satisfied immediately, with no regard for anyone but himself. there's nothing required of him - and what he can request is limitless. he can engage with a particular girl doing whatever he whimsically chooses, then immediately be with someone else doing something else - all with the click of a mouse.

can the two of you, alone & together, recreate a situation where he can experience oral, anal, & vaginal sex with multiple partners of varying shapes & ages to varying degrees of sensuality, roughness, intensity?

of course not. sex wasn't designed to be that way.

sadly, in often takes guys years of pursuit of teh above before they hit a pitiful, hopeless dead-end that reveals the one thing YOU can provide that porn can't.

and it's often too late to salvage once he sees it.

i would encourage you to NOT be OK with the porn. i understand why it doesn't bother you - because for you it isn't all encompassing like it is for him. it seems like meaningless recreation & guys just being guys.

but porn consumption is a progression. it's a gradual numbing of what turns him on & an endless chasing after a better thrill. that's why porn actresses don't last long. they come in young & pretty doing unimaginably dirty things - but after a few years, they're old news. they don't provide the same thrill, and another one takes their place.

porn is killing his sexdrive & is making a mockery of you both. he doesn't need his desire to depend upon porn and you don't need your husband's desire for you to be filtered through porn.

i don't know you or your husband, don't know your personalities. in whatever way is best for him, my advice is that you confront him with your concern. and just lay it out there that you aren't willing to live with porn as a third partner in your marriage.

my wife did something very similar when we were dating - she really didn't judge me, though i know she wasn't happy to learn that i was into porn. she just said she knew what she could & couldn't do - and she couldn't live with porn.

i would be careful about the degree to which you make it a "line in the sand." that's where knowing your personalities & your relationship would help. it may be a line in the sand, but i think you have to be careful. it needs to be a better place that you're insisting the two of you go together, rather than a side you're standing on & demanding he come over, or else.

sticking your head in the sand will be tempting because, rest assured - the confrontation will not bring peace. but you can rest just as sure that the problem will escalate if you don't intervene. his sex drive will continue to be more & more dependent on porn, which will need to be harder & harder to get him aroused. he's likely to eventually lose his ability to keep an erection without it - and then probably even with it.

it's a losing proposition for you both to try to ignore it.

hard stuff - sorry you're dealing with it.

but also absolutely treatable. neither of you have to settle for it. just roll up your sleeves.

then work on getting him to roll his up. it's just a hurdle. marriage is full of them. looks insurmountable where you are, much smaller once you're on the other side.

Wilhelm: That is one of the best, most honest and truthful posts I have ever seen on the affliction of so many people in the world.

So many of your words hits on the "facts of life" of Porn that I cannot single one out. If only you could have a banner airplane speaking your message of life to men on what could happen, just think of all the marriages and erectile functions for men you could save.

I could not add one bit of wisdom to what you have said. You, my friend, have said it all.....Thanks for saying what I would have never been able to find the words to say.....Kudos to you....

thanks CWH. it's certainly easier to write about it than to manifest it.

i'm always amazed at how many relationships are being destroyed this way. epidemic.

so many guys walk blindly into the fire - what once was an exhilarating source of sexual energy is now the very thing that saps them of their virility.

very sad irony.

This is late but i hope yo read it on time.My advice to you is that you need to have a good talk to him about the porn and to point out how much it is messing up your sex life.tell him to try to cut down on his porn viewing.Too much porn is making him less interested in the sex he should put his mind into the sex more.try to make him forget about everything else before and during sex.And if you can try to do wat the porn stars do, he might like that....hope all works out

How about enjoying the porn with him rather than removing what seems to have become a safe place for him. If it were me, I would go get one of the magazine one night when we're just laying in bed watching tv, return to bed and check it out. Tell him what you see that turns you on. Let it be ok rather than making him feel ashamed/guilty about it. You can tell him to get rid of the porn but he won't do it. Watching an adult movie with him could be fun too - if you're comfortable with such things. He obviously is.

"You can tell him to get rid of the porn but he won't do it."

don't be so sure.

he has already reached the point where porn has become a better stimulus that real sex - and that's a scary place for many men to find themselves. he is turning down sex with his partner to save himself for sex with porn. that's as pathetic as it is damaging to his relationship.

most guys know it should be the other way around.