Thread: In tears - please help

Hello, I am 39 yrs old and I am involved with a man who is 44. He's a great guy but quite lazy in the bedroom. I'm not satisfied with our sex life. Before we became a couple, we would always boast of his high libido, loved to talk sexy and tell me very graphically the things we'd do together. He talked about making love daily and wanting to several times in a day if possible. Different positions, ideas, everything. After we got together, none of this happened. Lovemaking, at best will be once or twice a month. His style is SO mechanical. I have to initiate ALL the time. If he does feel like like, and we are in bed, he uses only one hand to stimulate me, because he doesn't seem to feel like sitting up and two hands is too much work. Then he does this wierd thing where he is stimulating me but stares off into space, like at the wall or other end of the room. I asked him about it. I told him, "Hey, I'm in front of you!!! Why do you look somewhere off in the distance?" He said he's concentrating on what he is doing to stimulate me. I told him not to think too hard, it's not a test. Just do!!! PLEASE!!!! I try being creative, (just like we used to talk about) sometimes he comes, sometimes not. I want him to feel wonderful with me but many times I feel like he's not even interested and the few times he does it with me, it's for my benefit, not really his. He never goes down on me. He'll tell me my hair is coarse, (I've shaved, lotioned, and if I can't bare the itch from stubble, I let it grow out and and use shampoo and conditioner to soften it. I know that sounds ****** but it's true.) I use perfumed oils and use feminine cleaning products to be clean and fresh. I've done everything but grow lilacs out of my vagina to get rid of this feminine strong scent. I have not scent now!!! But for the two years we've been together, he's gone down on me 4 times. I go down on him all the time. I try being very creative with my tongue and lips but he doesn't act like he's wow'd, but he does come most times.

I feel like a freak, some monster. I always hear other women talk about how their man paws all over them and I go, "Gee, don't have that problem. Wish I did, though!!" I shower and fix myself up before he gets home from work. House looks well kept, dinner's ready. But he ALWAYS complains about being tired, how behind we are in our bills, the things he wants to do but can't because of lack of money. I work, take care of him and the house, take care of myself through exercise, and ALL I WANT IS A FULFILLING, HOT, SEX LIFE!!!!!

Now, proportionately, I'm 7 inches taller than him, so pushing me up against a wall or a kitchen sink is out but we can still try to do other things. He is "small" and in some positions I cannot feel him, but if you use what you have with passion and love, I AM VERY OKAY WITH THAT!!! He just doesn't seem to want to try. I've asked him if he loved me and found me attractive and desireable. I've asked him if there was someone else. He said he is very much in love with me, loves me dearly, thinks I'm beautiful and stresses that he thinks about making love to me all the time, especially at work. (I tell him to please tell me because, when we don't make love and he doesn't mention things like that, I feel like he doesn't want me sexually.) And NO, there is NO ONE ELSE, he says. He says he wants to marry me very much.

Then what is it??? I'm a very sexual person and I desire it often. Twice a month is not enough for me. I feel ugly, ******, awkward, dirty and not sexually appealing. Most people after sex, like to relax and lay next to each other. He has to go clean up immediately because he doesn't want to sticky up the sheets. (So different from his "sex talks" of the past.)

Please, any advice, sex tips or sexy tips would really be so helpful. I'm not really experienced in having a good sex life. My exhusband cheated on me with everyone and everything. I know I have a very passionate and fun imagination but maybe I really don't know much as I've not had a healthy sexlife in a relationship.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this.

PamelaAnne

Sorry a couple of typos in my thread. "He" would boast about his "high libido" and the words that were starred out, I'm not sure why becasue I didn't use swear words but it can be replaced with words like "I feel dumb" or " I feel like an idiot."

thanks again for your time

I must say, you are being MORE than generous with this man. He isn't well-endowed, doesn't exhibit appreciation for you, you say twice a month at best, and you have stayed with him and encouraged him for 2 years? Honey, you can endure.

What I would do in such a situation is just this: I would sit his butt right down at the soonest possible time for a good, long in depth conversation. Don't do it during a sexual encounter, just at some random time when you are both at home. You need to tell him EXACTLY what you just wrote up there. I know you said you've talked to him before, but obviously the problem is still strongly persisting, so something is not getting through his head. If sex is this important to you (and I agree, it is strengthening to me too) then if he is not willing to try to work on that part of your relationship, honestly I would think long and hard about ending the relationship. But that doesn't have to be the way of it. If he has issues with something, then he also needs to talk about them. It sounds like he has issues with cleanliness, which trust me, Im sure your fine in that department. It's totally natural for there to be some odor down there, and with every man I have ever been with, that odor turns them way on! And douching and other such ways of "cleaning" are actually really unhealthy for the biology of a vagina. I have never used them and never will. Every gyno I have ever seen tells me with conviction never to use them.
Tell your man all that you do while he is at work and gone to please him. Tell him that he needs to be more attentive and thats final. Tell him everything you told us and more. Tell him to tell YOU what his deal is, and not to be embarressed or afraid. Speech is the savior of troubled relationships, and if hes unwilling to talk and to work on it, whatever it is, I would seriously question whether or not all of your sincere work is worth it. You deserve better! I'm sure he is a good guy, but you still deserve better treatment.

I guess my other post got lost so I'll try again.
Pamela, this guy sounds like a dreamer. They spend their whole life talking about what they are going to do but never get around to doing it. One of the most difficult lessons I have learned is, you cannot change anyone. If a person wants to change they can, but they cannot be changed by anyone else. Once or twice a month, that's a joke and he won't even give you oral, even worse.
Celeste is right. Don't douche because it's really unhealthy. Just use plenty of soap on the exterior. That's all you need. Most men like the smell and taste, and it's not like it's aweful except during your period, but there are men that don't mind that either.
I personally don't like all the hair so I cut it short (shaving leaves the hair too brickly). I'm going to try waxing.
Not necessarily for this guy, but I just finished reading a really good book. It's called "Blow Him Away" by Marcy Michaels. She's a speech therapist and she explains the tongue, lip, and jaw exercises and the techniques as well.
You're a woman that needs to be satisfied so find someone that can. Don't walk away, run!

One of the most difficult things for a man to both talk about and reckon with is the male losing his potency. This comes on some men early and other late. From what you have said he may be in this category. Then the downside of this is you as a woman are growing sexually and wanting more loving and pleasuring. He possibly is concentrating to see if he can find his erection. This is a very serious problem for a man because when it starts to go they not only notice it but they fear their own manhood is disappearing and there just is no comfort from within .

This could be the reason for his excuses on going down on you and different things sexually. We women as we age have a lot to learn of life. That is the simple reason that many older women seek out a younger lover. Those of us who have a mate and have had for years, learn to live accordingly and love him with our heart and soul. We try every way possible to build him up when he needs it, and sometimes take the blame to make him feel better. It is just life.

I really don't know your feelings for this man but I do know the feelings of women at this age and on up and they are hot. Not only are they hot, but they will get hotter. I am not only talking about myself, but other women as well. Our biggest complaint is the hard potent man of yesterday..........How yours figure's in this I do not know, but I do know the story of life.......I wish you well.....

Do you know anything about the passive aggressive personality? Reading your post reminded me of my marriage. All talk, very little action. As in 3 times in one year and he wrote it down in a notebook! Twice a month would have seemed wonderfully excessive to me!

Add in the changes that come with aging and a guy who is communication impaired and what have you got? A very unhappy woman.

He, however, gets a clean house, balanced meals etc. And you aren't going away, so in his little head, why worry? He's stringing you along, girlfriend.

I remember my ex once talking about landscaping the house during sex. He was so insulting!!

Leave and don't look back. He's had enough time and encouragement. You're not getting any younger and he isn't going to change. He has no incentive to do so. He's not suffering, you are.
Cut bait and move on!!

Like the other posters I think what you see is what you are going to get. He will not change because he is satisfied with what he is and maybe that is all he can be. What we women want and need in a man seems to be more difficult to find every day. Our heat and passion grows and theirs disappears.

Unfortunately marriage may make this worse as then he has you and as sparse as your sexual life is now, it could be worse.

If you would visit a dating sites and see the numbers of women looking for a man you will realize what all of us face. It is bad. We either must settle for a little of what we want or look at the younger man. The best advice I would have would be to have him look at the book "Satisfaction" by Kim Cantrall. It is a very tastefully illustrated book on sexual techniques and the art of pleasing a woman. I left it for my husband at his coffee pot one morning... He greeted me in bed that morning with coffee and showed me he had read it.....

I hope this helps...