Thread: Difference likes in sex, I am getting frustrated!

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 9. In the beginning of our relationship we had lots of sex and it was fun. The we went on to have kids and sex was put on the back burner... Now the kids are a little older and we are having a regular sex life again. The problem is, my husband is so traditional (man on top) and that is all he really likes to do! I want to do different things, use toys, etc. but he has no interest in that kind of stuff. I am getting the point of being sexually frustrated that we don't have fun passionate sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex we have is good, it is just lacking excitment, kwim? When he does finally out on a limb to try something new, he looses his erection and we have to go back to the same old position, him on top. I don't make a big deal out of it, but I am starting to find myself fantasizing about sex with other men and I don't want to do that. He is a wonderful husband and father... Does anyone have any advice for me? How can I change his mind that old fashioned sex is not all there is out there?

Have you tried doing different things for him? I know this must be really hard for you. I know for a long time I felt like a prude and wouldn't try anything different with my husband. I wouldn't even give him a blowjob.
I would have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you would like to spice up your sex life. Maybe he needs to talk to someone about losing his erection or see a doctor about it. It wouldn't mention fantasizing about other men though. I think that will only make him feel insecure. It sounds like it's in his head but I'm not a doctor so I just think that he might see it as sex to try new things and not making love. Does any of this make sense? I hope so. For the longest time I wanted my husband to talk dirty to me and he refused. Now he does it and he gets very turned on by it. Things can always change. A year ago I was ready to divorce my husband and now things couldn't be better. Be open and honest and hopefully he will listen. Good luck!

My partner's rubbish at being on top, she generally bends the erection out of me in a matter of minutes unless I reposition her a bit (she straddles too low and forces it to bend downwards... She doesn't seem to learn either.

Maybe you just aren't very good at it? Try to get him to guide you...

Thank you all for your responses.. I apologize for all the spelling errors, especially the title. I was typing to fast, and then I forgot to push the spell check.

Anyway, he has never liked any other position except what we do all the time. We have tried other positions, but it doesn't work for him (that is when he looses his erection). So, maybe he wants to do it, but he physically can't? I have told him many times that I would like to watch porn with him, but he says he is to embarrased to do that. I think macybelle might have hit a something. He has mentioned before that he does not like to have sex, but he wants to make love. He is such a gentleman that way. So maybe he sees other positions as sex and not making love?? I have tried talking to him about it and it doesn't do any good. I have tried dressing up and I have tried to get him interested in different spots in the house. He will act all interested and I think we will have some hot sex, but it ends up the same... Can you guess what position?? I guess there are worse things I could complain about.. He has a very healthy sex drive and we do have sex about 3-5 times a week, and he could have more if I wanted to. I am not sure what causes him to loose his erection when we try different positions? I mean he looses it before we really even get started? And if fact we have never done ANYTHING different b/c of that... Just the thought of saying, "hey, let's try this " will cause it to go away. Anyway, maybe he should see a Dr... or maybe we should a sex therapist? Does anyone else have this problem? What would cause him to loose an erection like that?

Schnazzy- Those are some good suggestions... It might be a dominance thing. He has never said that and he doesn't act that way, but it could be something in his head that he is not telling me. He was not brought up in a very strict household (in fact, it was the opposite) but he does firmly believe in being a gentleman. He will still open my door for me, pull out my chair, stand up if I get up from the dinner table, etc.. So maybe he has the idea in his head that this is how a man should make love to his wife and that's that?? Gosh, I don't know.

a lot of psychologists have said that our perceptions about ourselves - and misperceptions - that get established in childhood are played out in our sexual relationships as adults.

it could be that his sense of being a gentleman - and making love vs having sex - is rooted in a deep fear. almost like a reverse need -

he needs to take care of you, protect you, etc (this could be physical protection or emotional, like regarding your "honor" or dignity) - so it's played ous as a fear of NOT doing those things, rather than a need to do those things.

nothing kills a hard-on like fear. fear of not performing, fear of being exposed for something, fear of rejection. fear is at the base of most sexual problems.

what can cause a guy to be hyper-sensitive to being a gentleman as an adult? a kid who sees his mother abused can grow up with a need to take care of women - and he can misunderstand hot sex to be emotionally abusive. a kid who's mother manipulates him & witholds her affection if he doesn't do what she wants him to - he can grow up with a fear of having love held back by his wife if he doesn't do what she wants ("take care" of her emotionally &/or phyiscally).

and keep in mind this is all based on MISperceptions established when he's young. he would be subcounsciously driven by what he percieves to be what you want from him, even though it isn't what you want. he would subcounsciously have an idea of what taking care of you looks like -- something other than what you really want it to look like.

you'd be surprised - or maybe not - what kids go through in this department. a kid who sees his mother raped by his father or her boyfriend - even if they're playing - can grow up to believe anything "dirty" is inherently UNsexy to him.

lots of things about sex that are fun involve male dominance - again, even if it's just for play. if you really objectively look at doggy style, it's a submissive role for a girl to play. in the context of mutual love & fun - so what?

but in the context of a screwed up attitude about female submission, it becames horrible. just the simple idea of bending his wife over and having her head drop to the floor or bed triggers the terror of seeing/hearing his mother being "oppressed", using sex. and it loses it's appeal to anything sexual.

it could simply be that his attitude about sex - again, established when he was young - is that sex is shameful & to be hidden. and if so, when you talk about other positions during sex - or talk about anything during sex - you're in a sense bringing it into the open. that could trigger that misperception about it being shameful & needing to be hidden - which could bring on the subcounscious fear & kill his erection.

and it's not really his erection - not in the above situations, anyway - but it's his desire for sex. you can only pursue your desire for something you're convinced is shameful if you pursue it in secret. psychologically you can't enjoy it any other way.

if that's the case, you would see that same trigger hit if you talk about sex anytime, not just during the act.

just a few ideas. i would go the counseling route, realizing bad counselors can hurt to the same degree good ones can help.

Whilhelm- I think you may have hit it right on the dot! He has told me many times how his mom use to withold her love, and how she would bring in different men and sometimes even have sex in front of he and his brother. He says that his mom was very manipulative and she was not always there for him. He did not grow up with a father and his mom was not "really there". He has always been very protective both physically and emotionally...

He use to have a problem with porn. We got into quite a few fights over it. I was upset that he lied to me about watching it, that he did not include me in it, and that he would not act that way with me. He has now gone to the level of not watching it at all to avoid watching it to together or acting in any way that they do in the movie.

Anyway, you have brought more light to the situation and I really appreciate that. I don't know how I would bring up seeing a counsler, or if he would even agree to it, but it deserves some extra thought. I just have to bring it up in the right way... It is hard to have desires, needs and wants and not have them fulfilled. I can see now that I am getting older, I have even more of a desire to have passionate sex. I hope this make sense... and I hope I am not sounding selfish... Thank you again for your insight.

what you describe sounds almost textbook for that kind of situation. especially your comment about porn. i wanted to ask that but i talk about porn so much here it gets a little obnoxious.

guys who go through what you've described become "consumers" of women. it makes a lot of sense, but it's very complicated. as children, our mothers hold - for the duration of our formative years - the key to our life'sblood, so to speak. a 3 year old, for example, has the essence of what he needs to live - his perspective of it, anyway - wrapped up in his relationship to his mother & the degree to which he experiences her love for him.

that love gets withheld in many way - usually unintentional. lots of mothers are manipulative - often they have unresolved pain or unmet needs left over from their own childhoods, and they inadvertently use their relationship with their sons to try to fill the hole.

it's a symbiosis that lends itself so easily to the potential danger of the problem you describe: mother & son are in a relationship defined (initially) by the child's absolute dependency on the love she has to offer.

if she has issues that are unresolved, this little being who is utterly dependent on her can offer the resolution to her pain. maybe she needs to feel like she's needed.

as the boy grows up, he inevitably does things taht communicate the opposite to her. and she shows her disapproval, makes him feel guilty, etc.

so he learns to hide how he feels, learns that expressing who is truly is equals pain for mom - which translates into adulthood with an unavoidable compulsion to be whatever he thinks his wife wants him to be, with little concern for what he really feels - after a while he doesn't ever recognize his true feelings but molds his reactions & responses in to what will earn her favor.

your husband's mother may have manipulated him that way and left him with an inability to "find himself" in a relationship with a woman. that is, unable to carve out & stand for his own sense of what he needs, regardless of the consequences.

it boils down to him not being OK with YOU not being OK with him. in a marriage, there are times when you have to be able to look at your spouse & express something & be OK with the fact that your spouse may not be happy about it for a while. there are extremes, obviously - but as long as you are not being hurtful, selfish, etc - there's a fine line.

guys who have been through what you're describing cannot stand their wives being upset with them, and they'll do anything to make it better. they aren't necessarily "doormats" - they can be strong & assertive, but still be unable to hear their own voice inside when it is in conflict with what they think their wives want to hear.

and what about the porn - here's where it gets fascinating.

even though these men lack the ability to find themselves in a relationship & have hypersensitive guilt complexes in terms of how they treat their wives...

they also struggle with unresolved & unexpressed anger - orinially aimed at their mother, and in adulthood targeted toward women, in general. it's in such dramatic conflict with that desire to please & find favor that they can't even feel it. mom left him unvalidated & convinced that he couldn't express himself honestly without causing her pain - so as an adult that resentment becomes a "consumerism" of women, a "chewing up" of women - not ted bundy stuff at all, but compulsively seeking confirmation & "love" that his mother withheld.

this is why porn is shaped perfectly to fit inside that hole & seemingly satisfy that need. porn offers this guy a "no questions asked" opportunity to receive validation and satisfaction from "women". he can "be himself" - he can pursue every fetish & desire & urge that might pop into his head and not be ashamed, not feel guilty.

it's an amazing paradox - in his marriage he is polite, considerate, caring, and selfless. he is a dream husband. he can't think of doing anything disrespectful, will go to great lengths to fulfill his wife's desires, and is ever the gentleman.

when he alienates himself & gets with porn - he can be an animal, recklessly pursuing hot & kinky sex with wanton abandon, pulling hair, etc. but it's all hidden & repressed, and he might not even know it.

the more time he spends with porn - which is not about sex, it's about the relationship he had with his mother - the more isolated those repressed feelings & desires become.

and all you want is for him to honestly sher them with you - you might be happy to indulge his every fantasy if he would only ask... but he can't because his mother taught him that if he expressed his true desires it would cause her pain & she would withhold love. so he draws an ever-widening line between the gentleman & the womanizer.

porn keeps him trapped there & because of the isolation it requires, the possibility of talking openly gets more & more distant.

i'll quit rambling - it's really fascinating stuff, though. it can be paralyzing for both you & your husband. but it's also so very treatable. and potentially very freeing for him.

my advice is to broach the subject gently, maybe even revolve it around the porn - since you've already fought about that before. i imagine he gets very uncomfortable whan you talk about porn - and he probably will do anything to make that conversation go away. but you need to lull him into a sense of safety when he exposes that part of himself to you.

you could bring up the things he has already shared with you about his mother - tell him you read an article - and let it lead to a discussion of the impact you understand his mother's stuff could be having on him now.

all this in the context of your desire to have him be comfortable being himself, not because you want better sex - my suggestion. that will shut him down because it will tap into that fear he has of not finding favor with you.

he's got to be OK with you not being OK before he can express himself sexually.

one other thing -

the position thing might also be a fear of the lost erection - which also taps into that fear of not finding favor/approval.

he might lose it, physiologically, when he's not on top simply because of bloodflow -

once that happens one time - if he's experiencing all of the other stuff we talked about - it will make him dread it happening again to the point that he will stick with what he knows is safe rather than chance losing it again if he switches it up.