Wife wants to leave

C · 03-13-2008 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by Freaking Out 34

I slept on the couch and usually she is not this angry this long. I am unable to focus at work today and now everything and anything I have ever done is being thrown back in my face. We have been working for almost a year on developing a resort in Costa Rica that is now beginning to see some success and she wants to walk from everything. Me the our hopes dreams and put two more kids out there from a broken home. I am by no means a perfect man. I have now suggested some counseling for the both of us and myself for my new sexual disfunction. I guess I am an addict from everything she has read on the interenet. I didn't know that 3 times makes me such a disfunctional human in society. I feel like I committed an unforegivable crime.

Is this life? How many trials and tribulations does one marriage take? I am so confused even angry that this is not even up for discussion. What type of thing makes a person so angry and unforegiving. I was raised differently. Family was everything and you fought tooth and nail to keep your love together. I feel like a used car that is now ready to trade in.

I realize most of this is scattered and may not make sense but I am having a trouble coping and this seems to help a little.

What makes a woman so angry and unforgiving is that you have hurt her pride. You have taken from her something that you cannot give back. You have taken away her sexuality. You prefer another woman's body instead of hers. She is hurt beyond words....Just as I would have been hurt beyond words if my husband had f that woman waiting for him...When you look at Porn and masturbate you are F them instead of her. In her mind she is not sexual enough or good enough for her and as far as a counselor, I don't know if this would help. It may make it worse...You tell me, you know your wife...How do you repair a wounded heart? How do you make the hurt go away when someone you loved and trusted was making love to another woman instead of you? You were and rather you did it three times or more, which is very possible....You did it....Now my dear, you must try and find the way to get back with her....Maybe a short trip with just the two of you or something special and quiet....The problem being in this situation that a man's emotions are not the same as a woman's......We hurt to the core and you cannot understand why.....We are soft and wonderful but we shatter easily.....I wish you well....

For another comment on this thread to this man I will make a double post and risk the wrath of the Forum...

I recall you said that she, too, can fly off the handles so to speak...Shake hands with the devil because this is me too....If a woman is hurt and believe me she is hurt badly, nothing can soften her heart as much as flowers....Things that are unexpected and taken for granted to let you know how special you truly are....Porn hurts many marriages and yours is but one of them.....I think she will come around but it will take time...Sometimes we can spit fire but we also can think....Reinforce her of your love for her...This is the main ingredient in putting Jack and Jill back together again...I recall many years ago a certain man that I married when he wanted sex and I didn't called me "frigid". My husband is quite a man and that took me a long time to get over. I can't remember the circumstances but it happened. Seems to me in the heat of sex I have reminded him of that but I stopped that years ago....But it just plain ate me up.....I, too, was ready for a divorce and I think we had two babies at the time.

Being a woman our sexual self is our protection against another woman taking our man. We want to be the best sexually that there is and yet as much as we try it does not always go the way that we want it....A man can look at Porn and jack off and think nothing of it while a woman looks at it as a live person that you are wanting to make love to.....And may I add that as many times as you say it to us we will never change...Love us, not a moving picture.

Now, I really have to get something done but in time I think you both will be fine...Wives like candy too and little notes of love....On the pillow and woo her like long ago.....TC, C

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2008 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by Freaking Out 34

Here is the thing. She knew I masterbated. I am not shy about telling her. I usaully do it in the shower. I knew she did not like porn. Although, I would not do something if I knew she would feel so hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve and now I am seeking advice from a chat room. I guess I do suck!

I think I know now why divorce is so high. No one wants to work, try, or fight anymore. I will not take divorce lightly. I won't just roll over to cooperate so it is smooth and easy. These things should not be easy. What is happening?

I think there is a time and place for masterbation, that being when you are away from the woman that you love and therefore, you want to feel her, not just do it for the sake of doing it. So, i also don't think that it is wrong.. But it is evident that you are married, she knows you do it, and you do it in the shower. So, she is in the house? Why is there therefore, a need for you to do that... Perhaps your sexual drive is higher, and at the time you do so, the children are at home but you are in need and hours will go by before you can be with your wife? I can't think of any other reason...

You also say " I knew she didn't like Porn" "But i wouldn't do anything to hurt her". You did, as you knew she didn't like it and that's betrayal. If i told my partner i hated something then found that he did it, it would be disrespect and betrayal. For instance, my relationship at this point is long distance. There is a commitment of let's see where it goes. Then, i wanted to read some of our messages on a previous site, only to establish that he was still on it, or back on it. I cried, felt betrayed, used, ****** for believing. However, as luck had it, there was an extremely good reason on that particular day, as someone wanted to chat to say happy birthday and that was the only method, a friend he had met. Sure, i believed him, that is what trust is about, but not at first until it all made sense. I was jumping around like a chook with my head cut of, and since, i have checked over and over, and he has not signed in to talk... Now if feel ****** but in an emotional silly way... do you understand how we think?

I also see no problem with seeking advice from this chat site, as you are asking to try to see into your wife's mind, how other women percieve this and you are getting that advice. I object to those who are not here for that reason, if as people are saying they exist as i am to new here to ascertain that. But, i see the logic in wanting women's opinions when they are genuinely seeking help to assist in their marriage.

Some, come here to see what women like, to enhance their marriage or what our body does or feels, as they really don't know it all yet.

So, as you are genuinely asking then take it all in and see what you take from it.

I can also see, as a result of her actions, you are also angry and hurt and upset and you can only see those words as being "true" DIVORCE..

I share other opinions postesd to you. Take a few days to calm down both of you and with all your heart and emotions, find the truth as to why you did something you knew she hated and therefore, got caught.

As for inexcess, 3 times, in 4 weeks. Some people have additctive personalities. If they do something that they like, they just keep doing it, no matter the risk. Like Gambling and losing all their possessions or drinking, and being obnoctous, degrading constantly to your wife, because you can't handle alcohol which leads to separation of minds, body and soul and in the end, two people.

Obviously you liked it the first time, went for the second, then the third.

Take a few deep breathes, sleep on the couch, ask yourself why instead of going with feelings over this go with logic, why did you do it, what did you need to get out of it, is there something missing how do you really feel, ( really) gutted at how she feels? And, sit down hold her hand and tell her with your soul.

Sometimes we need to understand before we can explain to others and if we understand, other's can then get a better picture.

**Hystorm** · 03-13-2008 05:59 PM

Fantastic post Chandler!

She has alot of good advise.
You did well to come to this forum.

Best Wishes...

C · 03-13-2008 06:20 PM

Many couples mutually masturbate and there is nothing wrong with this...It is simply the idea of doing this in front of a screen with another woman as the turn on that she is annoyed about....Masturbation is a normal healthy thing to do...Enought said on that...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2008 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by Hystorm

Fantastic post Chandler!

She has alot of good advise.
You did well to come to this forum.

Best Wishes...

Thank you Hystorm. If i am correct, you are a man? I won't necessarily agree with some things you say and i will at other times, but that is because i am a deep thinker and i like to get to the "root" of the question with logic and feelings combined.

Sometimes, people think with feelings only. Or logic only. I have learnt to think with feelings first, ascertain how you "feel" about it then think logically. With the combination of both, you have a better chance of understanding that particular situation.

Caroline: -
Many couples mutually masturbate and there is nothing wrong with this...It is simply the idea of doing this in front of a screen with another woman as the turn on that she is annoyed about....Masturbation is a normal healthy thing to do...Enought said on that...

Agreed. The strength of a loving couple doing this together, in front of each other, even for a man, just touching himself is two people pleasuring each other, knowing what ever other likes as they have worked towards that with "no boundries", no inhibitions as they are two as one.

Agreed. Yes honey you turn me on so much, oh but sorry, today i masterbated over this blonde, size 10, huge breasted woman on the computer, whilst i watched her being f......

There goes that "emotional side" oh god, are my breasts to small, does he prefer blondes, will he then go and do it with another woman, have an affair, am i to fat, don't it do it right? The list goes on and on and on and on..........

Hope all these posts helps you and best wishes.

C · 03-13-2008 07:56 PM

You see Chalmers Wish, you and I are two different women....We think different and we are different...I think of the woman in terms of being hurt...Not hurt because her breasts are not as big or that her butt does not stick out but hurt because her heart aches because he wants to orgasm without her being his fantasy. I am older with many years of marriage and a sexual love that defies description and I look at her as how this would affect me....It would just plain kill me....Masturbation has nothing to do with it...It is the two things together and what that woman feel in her soul...This will heal over time but the memory will stay...It may not be tomorrow or next week but time has a way of making everything OK...

You are a thinker and I like to think that I am too, but I have a capacity for such a love for my sister woman that sometimes it overwhelms me. I never come on here to argue yet I understand we all differ in our views....BUT being a woman so hopelessly in love with a man that if I could leave this earth with him this minute for eternity, I would go...With this much love and emotion for a man, this could make a heart hurt so much that you could vomit.....I know I would...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2008 08:36 PM

[quote=CarolineWH;32269]You see Chalmers Wish, you and I are two different women....We think different and we are different...I think of the woman in terms of being hurt...Not hurt because her breasts are not as big or that her butt does not stick out but hurt because her heart aches because he wants to orgasm without her being his fantasy.

All women are different as are all human beings, like attracts like, when there are sides that are close to that being the same as someone else but not always in every direction, thoughts.

I think i must have written that all wrong.... As i was agreeing with your quotes.

Try again: -

Caroline: - (Quote)
Many couples mutually masturbate and there is nothing wrong with this...It is simply the idea of doing this in front of a screen with another woman as the turn on that she is annoyed about....Masturbation is a normal healthy thing to do...Enought said on that...

Chandlers Wish:
Agreed. The strength of a loving couple doing this together, in front of each other, even for a man, just touching himself is two people pleasuring each other, knowing what ever other likes as they have worked towards that with "no boundries", no inhibitions as they are two as one. ( Couple's mutually masterbating)

Agreed. His thoughts: - "Yes honey you turn me on so much, oh but sorry, today i masterbated over this blonde, size 10, huge breasted woman on the computer, whilst i watched her being f......" This is the message he is sending out to her by doing this act whilst in a realtionship.

( The idea of doing this infront of a screen with another woman as the turn on and that she is annoyed about).

Then i obviously see here, i missed the ending. Must do this when not busy...

I am merely pointing out that yes, i agree doing this with another woman would make her annoyed, hurt and in pain over this but i am also merely saying that her mind then wanders and she starts to question herself, her looks etc. Emotions come into it as well.

So not only is he hurting her deeply but making her insecure and emotional, which after all is all part of that hurt.

I replied to something shortly before this, which disturbed me a little as the way i read it, it was saying we are too emotional and just don't get it, that a man's a man and who cares, as long as your the only woman he's with sexually. Whist i disagree to, so that may have flowed over here as i think only women understand what emotions are truly about, not what a man sees but what we feel.

Still much love.

**CM2008** · 03-14-2008 06:34 AM

Back to the original post...

How does she know you masturbated to the screen? You said that she checked the history on the computer. The history doesn't say that you masturbated.

**whilhelm** · 03-14-2008 09:57 AM

education goes a long way. once the emotional reaction has colled off, both men & women can really benefit from being educated about porn & how it can affect its consumers.

to the same degree that you have the responsibility to take care of your wife's heart in this issue - she also needs to care for yours. she's angry - not uncommon. and typically the motor driving the rage is deep hurt, not so much real anger.

when she's not so angry, she needs to put porn in its place in the larger context of your marriage. porn is just one of many wolves that continually circle a couple who have committed themselves to faithfully honor each other, always seeking to pull one partner away.

as much as your use of porn has hurt her - and without knowing her, who can say with certainty which of all the things that a woman can experience in this situation she's experiencing? - but as much as it hurts, she's got to find that thread of clarity that brings her to the realization that her husband, whom she loves, is in potential trouble. the real immediate threat of porn is on you long before her. it can affect your marriage, of course - but the most danger is the damage it will inflict on you.

packing up her toys & leaving the sandbox is not the right response. maybe she has a friend who lived with a porn addict & she's heard horror stories. many husbands who obsessively consume porn also have affairs, digress i nto dark, even illegal sexual interests, etc. who knows what is triggering her seemingly knee-jerk retreat into the possibility of divorce? as i said, education is the key. she needs to understand the truth behind your use of porn - not only the details, where & when - but much more importantly, what's driving you to use it.

all of this has focused on your wife & her behavior - which is the only variable in this situation you cannot control. what about your behavior - what should you do?

maybe i missed this, but i saw you say you used porn 3 times - you emphasized the number 3. i also read that you used it several times over the past several years, i think. both can't be true.

i advise you to really take an introspective look at what causes you to look at porn. be honest with yourself. if it's truly just recreational & not often, then you have choices. hopefully you would choose to set it aside. you won't be able to hold onto porn & your wife's heart at the same time.

if it's not recreational & there is a deeper drive pulling you into porn, try to figure out why. you might be surprised at what is revealed to you about yourself if you look deliberately for triggers that cause you to crave porn. you might even want to see a counselor who can help you explore that.

just be careful. for every counselor who understands the nature of porn & the hold it can maintain on a guy's life - there are 10 who think it's healthy & you're overreacting. be careful. you don't want to end up 20 years down the road divorced, hopelessly addicted to porn, ruined career & robbed of any meaningful relationships & intimacy, only to look back at the pivotal time you followed the advice of a counselor who assured you there was nothing to worry about.

again, if the latter is the case - treat the porn with same aggression it treats you. pornographers wage an agggressive campaign to expose as many people to as many forms of porn as possible. respond accordingly. make a concentrated effort to avoid it, avoid the situations you've found that trigger it. if you've been working hard to hide it from others, you'll probably find you've worked just as hard to hide the truth from yourself. so come clean.

in either case, your wife will need reassurances from you. don't do anything simply for the sake of reassurance - if you do it won't last. i know you said you'd never look at porn again knowing now how it hurts her, and i don't think you're lying. but often those kinds of superlative promises are made out of emotion & desperation - like hugging the toilet after too many shots of tequila & vowing to never drink again.

so, to conclude - my advice is to:
1. take an honest inventory of your relationship with porn
2. depending on that inventory, consider talking with a therapist of some sort who can help you figure out why you go after porn
3. display your commitment to your wife through your active avoidance of porn

the ball is in her court after that. you've violated the relationship, but she still needs to honor her commitment to you & meet you half way here. you can ultimately only govern your own decisions.

C · 03-14-2008 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by whilhelm

just be careful. for every counselor who understands the nature of porn & the hold it can maintain on a guy's life - there are 10 who think it's healthy & you're overreacting. be careful. you don't want to end up 20 years down the road divorced, hopelessly addicted to porn, ruined career & robbed of any meaningful relationships & intimacy, only to look back at the pivotal time you followed the advice of a counselor who assured you there was nothing to worry about.

.

Wilhelm: I had not read his posts as thoroughly as you had BUT I saw through what he was saying....I, like, you knew this was bigger but being older we all know that what I say with youth is like water going through their fingers....Hopefully, what you say means something..

What you have said about councelor's is the most concerning and scariest thing there is....Simply, many are stu*id...Many get their training through books...No classes, some in the lower class income will use this as a student loan to get the money and get the shingle....Many use the low income monies available to get this education and when they come in many do not know a clit from a labia. The course is short so soon someone else is out there to greet the public and we have a new doctor to soothe our souls...I have said that some of the best education comes on a site like this...

So now many of them teach porn....Why not...They call it soft porn.....They can't get people to come to them the other way....So they join the crowd....I have no use for many sex therapist's...Some are good with a good college education but MOST are from Joe Doakes University....This is a internet site that gives out some degree......When I am told that I could get a Doctor name in front of me with just the blogs that I have done with reading some stu*id books, something is wrong.....Yet, they are everywhere....So all men say that Porn is normal because their Sex Therapist says it....Like all people in the business field, money is the name of the game....

I could not live with my husband making love to a young woman on a Porn site...It must be me....

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