Don't Buy Until You Try!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-16-2008 12:57 AM

Interesting.

I have a few young ladies in my office and from time to time, i join in their conversations as they are in their early to late 20's and offer my thoughts.

The other day, i heard that a Mother had said to her daughter " Don't buy until you try" referring to future relationship and specifically marraige.

Now in my days, and i am sure a lot of other's will agree it was:-

It will hurt
You don't want to be called a s......t
Wait until Marriage

Do everything out of their power to make you hold on to that little thing called Virginity.

Now, i am hearing:-

Don't make the mistakes i made.
Enjoy your freedom until you find the one.
Experience

And, even allow this to occur in the family home.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Sex is certainly after all a necessity in a marriage and to be exploring but i'm at a lose as to what i think here.

I mean, it makes sense to be experienced.
It makes sense to wait and learn with your future husband.
It makes sense to just be you as it's your life.

There are no rules, but if we were to go back in time, would we change anything?

Which way as a mature women would we wish it to all be?

**rcoreyus** · 03-17-2008 11:44 AM

I think it is a good idea to sleep with your future spouse before you get married. These discussion groups are full of people who are unhappy in their relationships because of sexual incompatibility.

C · 03-17-2008 03:00 PM

Despite the fact that I was a good Catholic girl with 12 years of Parochial schooling, I would go even farther....Sleeping with them means nothing...A woman could ohhh and ahhh and go through the motions to bag a man....A man could act like a lover but not be who he is pretending to be...I would say unless a couple is very, very sexual and has a lot of sex before they marry to truly know that they are a good sexual match, that they should live with each other...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-17-2008 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I think it is a good idea to sleep with your future spouse before you get married. These discussion groups are full of people who are unhappy in their relationships because of sexual incompatibility.

It is a sign of the times, a new world of how things should perhaps be looked at then.

Yes, i agree with the abundance of unhappiness i have been reading and it seems to mainly be due to sexual incompatibilty, as comments are also being made, but he's a good husband, or don't get me wrong but...

From those discussions, it made me look back and see my parents and grandparents and those around me when i was young.

How many, got married as virgins in those days, waiting to experience it with their partner, only to be totally disappointed as they matured especially but "stayed married" as that is what was the "done thing" back then and lived a sorrowful life!

Now, we don't hesitate to Divorce either.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-17-2008 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by CarolineWH

Despite the fact that I was a good Catholic girl with 12 years of Parochial schooling, I would go even farther....Sleeping with them means nothing...A woman could ohhh and ahhh and go through the motions to bag a man....A man could act like a lover but not be who he is pretending to be...I would say unless a couple is very, very sexual and has a lot of sex before they marry to truly know that they are a good sexual match, that they should live with each other...

Ah the "great pretender".... that brings back memories to...

I agree with living with each other first, that allows a whole lot of things to be experienced in and out of the bedroom.

I lived with my ex-husband before i married. Seemed all okay at the time, our problem was "communication" i wanted to, he didn't but that was established after we married, hense pending Divorce.

My parents also were old fashioned. They were gobsmaked when we told them, but i just kept telling them how old i was and they got over it, but i think now, irrespective that my Marriage didn't work for a lot of other reasons as well, that is sound advice for a couple.

It can only show each other exactly how they live in each other's spaces as well and partnership in all facets.

Amazing how times change.

Not sure if i had a child that i would allow them to sleep in my house, even if they were 25. My parents made my partner and me, even when my ex and i were engaged, sleep in single beds next to each other in the next room.....

I think respect comes into that form.

**whilhelm** · 03-17-2008 03:44 PM

statistically, couples who live together experience an even higher rate of divorce than those who don't.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-17-2008 04:08 PM

Originally Posted by whilhelm

statistically, couples who live together experience an even higher rate of divorce than those who don't.

Is that living together before marriage?

That's sad if that be the case, well i am a living example then aren't i.

But, why then get married if it's not the best having lived together before hand, was there an explanation of why? In those stats, and as we are talking about sex, i am referring to that.

**Little** · 03-17-2008 04:26 PM

I read a book where it talks about that statistic you referred to, Whilhelm.
It said something about people not thinking that anything would change; that life married and living together would be no different than life living together unmarried.
As I'm not married, nor have I ever lived with a significant other, I don't know, but I think I would prefer to live with him previous to marriage.
I also believe in premarital sex ... mostly because of my first experience. He was able to put up this facade of caring and reciprocity, but it all came unraveled in bed ... how my boyfriend acts in our sexual life also says a lot about him. I feel like I've learned so much about my partner (and former partner) though sexual relations that wouldn't have been apparent otherwise.
My parents didn't have much to say about sex ... when I was 16, I got caught by the cops in a "compromising" situation, so of course my parents were called. All my father could say was, "Didn't I teach you never to let anybody touch you in your bathing suit area?" My father is from a different generation, though. My mother had a terrible childhood and was sexually abused as a child, so the only "sexual education" I got from her, other than menstrual issues, was that if you get raped you need to go to the hospital. So, it's wild to me that a mother would say "don't try until you buy" to a daughter ...
Though I would have enjoyed the trust and support.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-17-2008 04:36 PM

Originally Posted by Little

I read a book where it talks about that statistic you referred to, Whilhelm.
It said something about people not thinking that anything would change; that life married and living together would be no different than life living together unmarried.
As I'm not married, nor have I ever lived with a significant other, I don't know, but I think I would prefer to live with him previous to marriage.
I also believe in premarital sex ... mostly because of my first experience. He was able to put up this facade of caring and reciprocity, but it all came unraveled in bed ... how my boyfriend acts in our sexual life also says a lot about him. I feel like I've learned so much about my partner (and former partner) though sexual relations that wouldn't have been apparent otherwise.
My parents didn't have much to say about sex ... when I was 16, I got caught by the cops in a "compromising" situation, so of course my parents were called. All my father could say was, "Didn't I teach you never to let anybody touch you in your bathing suit area?" My father is from a different generation, though. My mother had a terrible childhood and was sexually abused as a child, so the only "sexual education" I got from her, other than menstrual issues, was that if you get raped you need to go to the hospital. So, it's wild to me that a mother would say "don't try until you buy" to a daughter ...
Though I would have enjoyed the trust and support.

I love reading your "stories" on advice or just stories, because they are....

and make interesting reading or offering good advice.

I also do agree with living together first. But trust me they can change, the dominant person rears it's head and once that ring is on the finger it's on..... However, if he was a slob, totally, non giving, then the ring wouldn't go on the finger, nor would he remain in the bed.....he'd be out the door... next!!!!

Can only imagine how you felt when you got "busted" but something tells me that when you look back at that, you laugh about it now...

**pigwidgeon** · 03-17-2008 05:22 PM

I would NEVER marry a man I hadn't had sex with. What if you're totally incompatible? Sex is SO important in a marriage that it seems foolhardy not to make sure you're compatible on this very basic yet very important issue. Plus, what if there's no spark? What if he can't get it up? What if you have sexual hang-ups because of religion or sexual abuse? You need to work those things out before you get married or you'll both be miserable. The margin of error is as wide as the Pacific Ocean on this one.

That said, I can definitely understand why someone would want to wait and learn with a partner. My sister is of this opinion. That would be very special. But sex can be just as special with your eighth partner as it was with your first.

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