Thread: What do men think when they watch porn?

When men are watching porn, do they think, "I want to be having sex with that woman on the screen," and are therefore living vicariously through the video, or do they just enjoy watching the act itself and don't necessarily wish they were having sex with that girl?

what a great question.

science has sought to study exactly this issue - about as successfully as they've studied autism. that is, there's been gobs of research about autism - and about porn use - but almost nothing from the inside. several years ago there was a ground-breaking book published where a person with autism wrote in the first person about what she thought about, what she felt. it opened up a whole new world regarding the understanding & treatment of autism.

there has been a recent wave of books in which porn users - usually men - catalogue their experiences with porn, what they think about, what they feel, etc. it's really fascinating stuff.

the problem is that most of the literature falls into 2 categories: overtly evangelical religious stuff & aggressively feminist stuff. as such, most people are turned off by the title or the introduction & never even get to the stories. and if they do, they're so defensive by the time they get to them that they can't read them objectively.

if you recognize that at the onset - you've said you are not religious, and i don't know where you fall in the feminism debate - but if you can see your way through your reactions to the larger issues & focus on the reported experiences of guys with porn, you'll be interested i think.

pamela paul seems to use the porn issue as a tool to fight the larger battle with sexism, in general. but her book, "pornified," has some interesting & realistic information, much of it first hand from the mouths of the guys who've struggled with porn.

i found that i didn't really think about having sex with the women in porn. i wasn't infatuated with any given porn star who i fantasized about. in fact, when i struggled with giving porn up & really got introspective about why i was doing it, i often wondered why i was so turned on by the girls in porn when they clearly were not as pretty or as sexy as my wife, who was available to me all the time in flesh & blood, who wanted me. why was i so taken with girls that weren't as pretty & didn't want me?

it's a question most guys can't answer.

Thanks, whilhelm. That's reassuring. I can actually relate to being excited by watching two people have sex. But what about being turned on by pictures of naked women? Then it really is about how hot she is, right?

i think i'll speak for most men when i say it's always about how hot she is - or how much she satisfies whatever the desire is. hotness is relative. once a guy has spent years & years with porn, his definition changes - sometimes by the hour. he may be into pregnant black women one night & skinny little white girls the next.

but for the majority of straight male porn users - whether it's naked women or hardcore sex, it's always about the girl(s). some guys want to watch things happening to a girl. the hotter he thinks she is, the more it titillates him to see her doing dirty things.

you'll find that the most instantly successful porn stars are often the ones who are very young looking, have a "fresh" appearance (don't look hard, tatoos, etc), and do extreme sex (lots of anal, double penetration, etc). other than the obvious, the reason is that when guys look at these girls' porn, they experience the violation of all kinds of taboos. not only do they see a girl doing things most of the girls they know won't do - but they see someone who looks like the girl next door doing it. the more innocent looking the girl & the more deprave thge sex - the more appeal she has.

but there is porn that is made especially for guys who live virtually through porn. the POV (point-of-view) stuff is shot so that a guy watching it sees the girl as he would if he were the one having sex with her. there's a lot of it so i would think there are lots of guys who do fantasize about being with the girls they watch.

regarding the pictures of naked women - it still depends a little on the situation. some guys have special fantasies they have developed - they bring those to porn. when they look at pictures of girls, they usually look for girls who satisfy what's in their fantasy. other times it's just like being at a buffet - where all teh food is good & you're not looking for anything in particular. you're just happy to be surprised by each new thing you see as you go down the line.

to make this more personal - if you're looking for reassurances in your own situation that you've shared...

it is possble for a guy to be in love with & devoted to his partner & still use porn, even be obsessed with porn. we an argue whether he's really devoted if he uses it knowing it hurts her - but that's a different debate. your partner's use of porn does not indicate - it rarely does - that he is somehow not satisfied with you, or that he wishes you were like the girls in porn.

there is truth to the point someone on here made last week that no matter what you looked like - porn would maintain its appeal. porn is less about sex & more about an underlying need that all guys have - their search for porn, and their commitment to it, is directly related to their perception of themselves - their self worth, their masculinity, the degree to which they "have what it takes," especially in the eyes of their partner.

that's why a girl in a relationship cannot compete with porn. if a guy never resolved his self-actualization issues, his sexual relationships with his partner will be pouring water into the wrong hole, and it will never get full.

that's also why guys are so different in their use of porn - because they're all different in the degree to which they have resolved those issues. some can take it or leave it (but they'll take it if no one objects), others tend to be more compulsive, still others get literally consumed with their use of porn, masturbating ten times a day & spending days online at a time.

women have a hard time understanding any of this because - no matter what degree a man is into porn - women cannot relate to either front: the visual draw for men or the self-worth void that porn soothes. women are neither visual nor driven by that void. they have a different one.

so they see the guys who are consumed & can't fathom why porn is so important to them. then they see the casual porn users & can't understand how they would need to see hot women when they have satisfying sexual relationships with real women in real life.

someone who had fasted for a week would view a bag of beef jerky differently than would a vegetarian. and neither would ever be able to understand the other's view unless they first understood what was driving them.

Originally Posted by pigwidgeon

Thanks, whilhelm. That's reassuring. I can actually relate to being excited by watching two people have sex. But what about being turned on by pictures of naked women? Then it really is about how hot she is, right?

it's really not about how hot she is, it's about how he feels when he looks at her - same with the sex acts. it produces a chemical response that he can physically feel.

whilhelm, I'm a little confused -- you say in your second post "i think i'll speak for most men when i say it's always about how hot she is," and then in your third post you say, "it's really not about how hot she is." I'm just confused at the seeming self-contradiction...

Probably a lot of different reactions. Not specifically porn, but in my case, I may find a woman attractive, and be interested in her in a pure "fantasy" sense, but not at all in a real sense.

For me (and I assume many men), the separation between fantasy and reality is very clear. Maybe I fantasize about being a rock-star: the adoring crowds, lights, black limos, beautiful women. But - I'm not about to pick up a guitar and try to learn to play.

A heroic-style war movie may make the marines seem an attractive job - honor, duty, fearlessly charging the enemy, blowing stuff up. I'm well aware that the reality is very different - but that doesn't eliminate the fantasy.

Porn provides fantasies. A world of wild uninhibited sex with no consequences. But it isn't real.

Perhaps romance stories are the same for women. Being seduced by a ruggedly handsome cowboy - who in the fantasy doesn't smell like cow s***.

Originally Posted by pigwidgeon

When men are watching porn, do they think, "I want to be having sex with that woman on the screen," and are therefore living vicariously through the video, or do they just enjoy watching the act itself and don't necessarily wish they were having sex with that girl?

Originally Posted by pigwidgeon

whilhelm, I'm a little confused -- you say in your second post "i think i'll speak for most men when i say it's always about how hot she is," and then in your third post you say, "it's really not about how hot she is." I'm just confused at the seeming self-contradiction...

yes - we can't edit anymore. i was trying to clarify my first statement. we're splitting hairs with semantics a little here, but what i wanted to get accross is that - yes, it's about the girl. but it's more about how he feels when he's looking at porn, be it girls, girls having sex with girls, with guys.

if she doesn't turn him on, he'll move on to one who does. so in that respect , her hotness is the issue.

Nobody knows what men think about anymore than what women think about.....First very few women watch Porn...Oh, it can be a turn on if they need it....But what man is going to say in a survey,,,hey, that guy's dic* sure does it for me.....Take a look at all the gorgeous gay men around...Many go both ways but they love men....

Survey's can be a joke because our inner self plays it's own mind game...

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

For me (and I assume many men), the separation between fantasy and reality is very clear.

but the really baffling thing for women is that - typically - even if that line between fantasy & reality fades away (that is, if a guy's wife looks & acts just like the girls in his porn), he will still seek porn.

would you say that's true?