I was totally at a loss for words...

C · 03-19-2008 12:08 AM

Corey, it is so difficult being a woman and being taught not to do certain things. It is like you are caught in two different places. You have to teach your most precious parts in your body to open up and give. Many women cannot do this. It is so confusing to them. They have been taught to do the opposite of what is expected. It is a shock and unless they can get past this and give to their man they probably will hate sex and everything about it...They will mate and have children but this will be done without feeling. They will go to another place in their mind during this mating so that this invasion of their body is not really happening.

Many women who have not been sexual before marriage are like this. Porn for a woman like this could be the door to open her mind but she has to be able to look at it this way...She must force and find that part of herself that wants to go to the animal side of man.....She must allow all that she was told not to be, to be and some women just can't do it....

**macybelle** · 03-19-2008 12:38 AM

You are not prying. You are asking because you really need to understand and I will tell you about my experience. Once I became a mother my body changed, my hormones changed and I felt dead sexually. Nothing my husband did could arouse me. He tried many things. I felt fat, unsexy, ugly and tired. No matter how many times my husband told me he loved me and told me I was beautiful the more I got angry because I knew (in my head) it meant he wanted sex. He would masturbate just about every night and I would get more disgusted and more turned off on sex. We went through a rough spell where I had pushed him away so much I almost lost him. But that didn't' even change my sexual desire. Sex was a chore and I never faked an orgasm. He would be upset that he couldn't make me go and I would explain that it was me not him. It was a vicious cycle. I felt like I didn't love him and I think that was a big reason why I was so turned off. The truth was I didn't love me! The only time he was nice to me was when he wanted sex and the only time I was nice to him was when the credit card bills were coming in. One day I watched an episode of Oprah and they were talking about women like me who were sexually dead. They were encouraged to watch erotica and the women said that it changed their lives. I spoke with my husband about this and he asked if I would try it but I was reluctant. He started searching for erotica online and I laughed at him in shock that he was really doing it. The poor man was desperate. The next day I did my own search on erotica and found some porn and by the time my husband got home from work I took him to our bedroom and basically attacked him. That was back in November and I am still going strong. I have to tell you though that my past might have something to do with my sexual problems. I was sexually abused as a little girl and I have had a hard time feeling sexual because of it. I let it cripple me but I think I have finally gotten to a point in my life that it doesn't rule me any more. I hope something in my story helps you. I know sex is important but there is a reason why women feel dead sexually. They are just to afraid to admit why to their husbands or some women don't even know why they are sexually dead. I wish you the best. I really do. I know it can change for you. My husband stuck by me no matter how much I pushed him away. Even when another women was throwing herself at him he stayed faithful to me. Just imagine what we both would have missed out on if I had walked away or if he had taken her up on it. Good luck to you.

**whilhelm** · 03-19-2008 10:57 AM

how old is she, mourning?

**whilhelm** · 03-19-2008 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by macybelle

I was sexually abused as a little girl and I have had a hard time feeling sexual because of it. I let it cripple me but I think I have finally gotten to a point in my life that it doesn't rule me any more. I hope something in my story helps you. I know sex is important but there is a reason why women feel dead sexually. They are just to afraid to admit why to their husbands or some women don't even know why they are sexually dead. I wish you the best. I really do. I know it can change for you. My husband stuck by me no matter how much I pushed him away. Even when another women was throwing herself at him he stayed faithful to me. Just imagine what we both would have missed out on if I had walked away or if he had taken her up on it. Good luck to you.

what a great testament to hope.

it is so common for women who were abused to lose interest in sex, usually by age 30.

don't give up - great message. there is a reason. that is so important.

thanks for posting that.

**macybelle** · 03-19-2008 11:34 AM

You are so welcomed!!

**rcoreyus** · 03-19-2008 02:28 PM

Macybelle - I appreciate you answer - and your feelings seem to match my wife's. She assumes anythign nice I do for her is to try to get sex. Well of course I always am interested in sex - since I get so little. I do nice things for her without any specific interest in sex, but of course she can't tell. I haven't cheated - though I don't know if she believes that - my job gives me lots of opportunity. But - its been 20 years, and I don't want to have my entire life go by without a reall intimate relationship.

Very recently things have improved some. I'm eternally hopeful - maybe it will get better.

**Mourningman** · 03-20-2008 12:01 PM

I am 44 she is 43. We got 2 kids 13yr old boy 10 yr old girl. Good kids lucky to have em. But my wife she seems to have just plain sworn off sex with me. That why I was floored when she came out with that. Especially under those circumstances its was kinda like a buzz kill or a wood kill. I try to explain away her feelings because of something in her past because truthfully these days you never know anything about the person your with anymore. If its an unresolved issue like abuse, which I doubt or bad sex experience before me or bad boyfriends anything that would help me understand it would be a blessing. But I am bewildered. And we do have that good marraige but w/o sex. Maybe I do fear getting old and losing whatever MOJO I have left so I am trying to grab as much as I can while I can. I just want some active participation when we do have sex but I have this bad vibe abou it when we do.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-20-2008 03:51 PM

Hi Morningman,

As a woman of the same age,

In my marriage, i basically didn't have sex at all that last year we were together.

My marriage pertained emotional and verbal abuse which i didn't recognise until that stage, i saw it as "self opinionated" He did have issues and i realised that as time went on because nothing i ever said was good enough and nothing i ever did was. In front of everyone, he was perfect, behind doors, a flat mate who was lazy, but wanted everything perfect, strangly enough though, excluding the bedroom.

Our sexual life was confined to "on the side" no kissing, and a 2 minute if that forplay on occasions.

I learn't to absolutely, hate sex, what is it for? To satisfy him only?

What i know i missed more than anything at all was the love component of it and desperately the kissing, all for no reason, and not leading to the bedroom and of course, then in the bedroom.

My past sexual life had also consisted of some relationships where it was all "his gratification", as in my ex fiance would want it at 1am in the morning, he was a Chef, when he got home, just because i was in bed naked, so he would wistle to try to wake me up.

However, i also experienced the seductive and horny side of lovemaking.

But bottom line is when you want to get married and fall in love you need "passion and love" and if it's not there and you did have experiences where it was more like " i am man, so give", and a man starts to do things to get it, you remember, it's impossible to forget.

My relationship in marriage was different, as i said there was verbal and emotional constant abuse, right down to how i cleaned the fridge, but the point i am trying to make is it wasn't at the beginning, or at least until we got married.

Some women therefore just plain old feel like sex objects, that's all there is to it, that's what we are and we can't comprehend or want to be that.

Perhaps your wife also had bad relationships where she felt like that through those relationships and is feeling that again.

It's not an emotional issue in my books just plain facts, we need to feel love in order to give.

Most know of my new adventure sexually and where i am at at the moment, in total lust, desire, sexually exploring and "wide open" for all sorts.

But that is because a man, built a "trust" and has shown "love of a human being, of me, who i am, and laughed with me, liked me for me for the first time, in ever facets". So i have a trust, bond and enormous lust for this person.

He can do what ever he wants trust me, because i trust it won't change ever, as that is who he is.

So, i'm not sure if she "won't give" or if it's a case of " when do you lose it", i would want that massage just because he loved me and wanted to give it to me not even thinking about what he wanted at the end of it, that would absolutely make me feel horrid as it would feel like i'm getting this because he wants that.

I tend to think that that is how she is feeling. You are coming up with ideas to "spice" but she is needy for "love" and "lust" first.

If you look at my background, clearly, i had no intention of giving either as i had no desire, i felt like "meat"....

Now, i now if this man wanted to give me a massage after work, it would be cause he wanted to give me a massage, in our early stage it would still lead to the bedroom but you know what i mean.

I am gobsmaked to be honest that i can't wait to explore more and more and more, or that i need and want sex every day, be it sensual, or horny sex.

I will also say our communication is excellent in this direction because he knew that i had never truly felt loved and therefore loved as our months unfolded. I was traped in this, well i want love, but sick of men just thinking sex is sex and they can have it when ever, without giving love, or enough of it, or even in the bedroom, just "let me take you now".

So that may be the key here, you may have to go back and think when you first married, or went out... What can you remember there, was she a sensual person? did she love kissing you? Being held? If so, then she is a sensual person that requires more than the knowledge of what ever you bring home, or the massages that you give, or anything will always be about sex.

She is craving, emotional love. From that, as my latest venture shows, anything is possible in the bedroom if it is kept there.

If she never liked a touch, a kiss, to be held, then she may have had something horrid happen to her.

Think back to the beginning, is all i can say and hopefully as a woman, what i have said may make some sense and help.

Honestly, i truly gave up on the whole thing and found it grose.

Marriage to some who thing that it's all glory can be a strange thing to cope with. The woman is busy daily, cooking, cleaning, looking after kids, then looking after the male urges, it all feels like chores. ALL......

Of course again, the key is for it not to be all about chores.

I guess i'm saying she may view sex as a chore. Loves you but is an extremely affectionate person seeking warmth and love as well.

I never used sex against my husband, ie) your not getting it unless your nice etc, it was reversed, i'm not kissing you until your nice, so i'd be nicer as i am nice, but it still didn't happen...lol. So i don't agree if she is doing that, which i believe i read somewhere and that would be simular to what i went through, as that's control and no one has the right to control the other. I walked.

Anyway, sure i'm repeating myself here.

Hope something here sounds familiar, but truly sit down on your own and close your eyes and look way back with her, because what ever was there, can be there again, or if it wasn't there, it may never be.

**GixxerChic** · 03-20-2008 09:34 PM

I'm sorry to say this but why are people think of divorce so soon!? I admit, I'm not married yet (engaged... so say what you must) but I can't image that having issues around sex would lead to divorce. Can't you talk through things?

My fiance and I have actually had issues already because I could take it every day if it was available. He ... not so much. He would be happy having sex once a week or sometimes even less. I'm not sure if it has to do with him being five years older than me or what. But I still can't imagine not marrying this person. We just communicated everything very openly and it took care of the issue! I'm sure its different being that you're the man that wants more sex which is so stereotyped and generalized. So you have that going against you. I don't know... Good luck!

**rcoreyus** · 03-21-2008 12:52 AM

Originally Posted by GixxerChic

I'm sorry to say this but why are people think of divorce so soon!? I admit, I'm not married yet (engaged... so say what you must) but I can't image that having issues around sex would lead to divorce. Can't you talk through things?

Sex is very important to relationships - at least for some people. People like to think about romantic love - but woul not want to marry someone of the same gender, no mater how much they liked them (assuming they are not gay of course).

Sexual problems can be difficult to fix, and can eat away at an otherwise happy relationship. A common theme of almost all marriages is that you can only sleep with your partner. If you cannot have an acceptable sex life with your partner, you are giving up on that for the rest of your life - or until divorce - or cheating.

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