Thread: I was totally at a loss for words...

Hi Morningman:

You and I have talked about this before...You are not doing anything wrong...After reading your post I feel bad as you are far too young to lead a sexless life...It is obvious that she just does not like sex....Maybe she never did, but with you in love with her, you may have been blinded. I think a man may feel that their wife will loosen up over time. Unfortunately some of us fool a man to get him....

I doubt a Therapist would help, and she sure is not one to come to a Forum like this to find that she may be at fault...Actually she would not believe it anyway because she does not want to believe it...Many women opt for separate bedroom when they get near your age for this very reason. I can't give you advice but I would suggest a talk with her. You are a man. You have a right to be a sexual man. Your wife is not ill nor are you.. She should sexually satisfy you at least once a week. This is good for your health and her's but she has used this weapon on you well and is not going to give up on it easily.....What would happen if in a conversation with her that you would tell her that you need sex...It is normal..It is not abnormal...Tell her you probably will want it until the day you die......It is you that has to perform...she has it easy...

How would she react if you said unless you get this act of love that you may consider a divorce. This way you could find a woman that loves sex as you enjoy it...You only live once and to have to miss the thrill of sexual love the rest of your life is a big price to pay....We are a very sexual couple so I guess this is the way I would lean.....

This is the best I can do for a suggestion and I sure wish you well....There is absolutely nothing wrong with you...Take care...C

Mourningman, the most difficult and painful lesson I have learned in life is, YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE. You can talk till you're blue in the face but it won't help much. If your wife wanted to change that would be a different story. I don't think you have a lack of romance or desire to please her because a massage is very thoughtful. A massage should get her in the mood.
One thing I have observed is that if I have sex every day then I want it more the next day but if it's been a few days I'm not as much in the mood (at first anyway). It's like keeping the motor running in a car versus having to start it. If we've had sex the day before, I recall parts of it and I'm already aroused but if it's been a few days the memory fades. I know, you're gonna say you can't even get her to the first time. But if you haven't tried to seduce her every day then try it. I can't think of anything else that would help.

I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds considerably worse than mine. I've gone 20 years hoping my wife would gain more interest in sex, hasn't happened. If you don't have kids, I think you are justified in wanting a divorce. Not threating a divorce - don't get into the game of using the threat of divorce to pressure her as she witholds sex to pressure you. Just ask for one - no hard feelings, but you are not willing to give up sex for the rest of your life.

I feel very strongly about honor, but I think that in this case you are justified. People enter into marriage with the expectation of an active sex life. Of course illness could prevent this - but that is not the case here.

I don't see any way she is likely to change. You try, but she doesn't like sex. I'm sure you don't want her just "servicing" you regularly as some sort of wifely duty - thats just prostitution with a different currency.

You could cheat - I'm sure you've thought of it - but that would either be a series of empty encounters (not really worth it), or you will find someone you really care for, and divorce your wife - but this time dishonorably.

I don't want to pry too much, but this is an important issue for a lot of people, and you are the only one I've seen post who was on the other side of this sort of relationship.

You say you had a hard time having an orgasm - was your husband trying? What would have encouraged you to enjoy sex earlier? How did you get into this mind-set.

Please - many of us are in this situation, and we (and probably our spouses) are miserable.

Originally Posted by macybelle

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I felt that way at one time about my sex life. I didn't want a sex life. At one time I would have been disgusted too if my husband had brought home toys. But not any longer. I know the more you bring up sex though the more defensive she will probably get. I hope someone has some good advice for you. My libido woke up after watching porn but I know that not all women will have the same reaction to it. I understand how she is feeling but my problem was that I had a very hard time having an orgasm and it made me feel inadequate. I guess my advice to you is to have an open and honest conversation with her. But don't threaten divorce. You will only back her into a corner and if she is anything like me she will only push you further away. We women seem to like (not always on purpose) test our men to see how far we can push them away before they screw up and have an affair or threaten divorce. So we can prove that yep he was just another jerk. I now that sounds ****** but it happens alot. I know sex is important but there are times when emotions and commitment are much more important to a woman. Good luck Mourning!