Frustrated :o(

**browneyedgirl827** · 03-20-2008 01:47 PM

Ok, this is my first post so be patient with me...

I'm a 21 year old college student who's graduating in 9 weeks (thankfully). My major is extremely stressful and I'm suffering from poor-college student syndrom (which adds to the stress). I've been with my boyfriend (who's 23) for about 3 years, but have known him since I was 14 and we dated on and off in high school. He's my best friend on top of everything else, which is why this is such a difficult problem for me...

Up until about 3 weeks ago, I couldn't even reach orgasm infront of him through masturbation. We've been having sex since I was 17, so it's not like we're new to this. He's had other girlfriends and he's told me that they were extremely sexual people and had no problems at all. We've tried the usual "cures" like different positions, role-playing, toys, etc. I even resorted to hosting a Slumber Party (which was amazing FYI) and got a sex swing. I have never been able to reach orgasm while having sex and most of the time I barely get any sensation of pleasure from it besides the usual emotional connection. I do however, enjoy sex. My issue is this: whenever I try to talk to him about what's going on or try to get him interested in trying new things, he shuts down and won't really talk about it much. For example, if I'm looking at a toy or lingerie website and ask his opinion on something, he'll basically look at it and say "hmm, whatever you want babe." He won't even use a toy on me unless I initiate it and ask him to. I think this mostly stems from the fact that his parents owned a porn store while he was growing up, so he's been exposed to toys since he was a young teen and has almost lost the interest or curiosity in them. It's extremely frustrating to try to get him to participate or take an interest in trying to take me to that next level sexually.

With the whole non-orgasm problem: I think most of my problem is in my head. I've got a heavy schoolwork load and with working a job on top of that, by the time I get home, I'm not in the state of mind to have sex, even though most of the time I want to be. I've always been a stressed out person and only have a slight handle on how to control it and unwind. He's told me that he's given up initiating sex because he knows that I'm busy and have other things on my mind (aka he thinks I'll always turn him down).

Let me also say that he's attending the local community college part time and isn't working. On top of everything else, his father passed away 2 years ago unexpectedly. It seems as though our sex life has diminished since then understandably so because of the emotional strain he's got going on.

So here's the deal, does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to regain the interest he once showed and to start participating again? I do realize that most of the issues we have are my fault and am willing to work on them. Anything you have to offer is wonderful.

**metboogie** · 03-20-2008 06:01 PM

A - You're only 21, he's only 23. His emotional growth was already going to be slower than yours, but the passing of his father totally stunted the process.

B - You''re only 21, he's only 23. I know you are best friends, high school sweethearts, etc... Remember how the whole world seemed to change when you went from H.S. to college? Well, the world gets 1000 times bigger and crazier (and better) when you leave college. Remember how you had to leave some things behind in high school? You will have to do the same for college. He may just be one of them.

**browneyedgirl827** · 03-20-2008 06:37 PM

I know it may seem as though we're "young kids" who don't really know what love is to some people out there and I understand how we could be viewed in that way. However, the two of us have been together through some events in both of our lives that most normal 35+ couples haven't had to experience--our emotional age is a lot higher than some would think. We're not that college couple who's out at the bar getting drunk every weekend partying it up. And I'm not trying to be ignorant or disrespectful in any way, but isn't this forum supposed to be help for ANY person who needs it, without discriminating against them because of their age? Yes, I'm 21, but do I not have the right to ask people who might have been in my shoes at some point for some decent, insightful advice?? Just a thought...

**MissGoddess** · 03-20-2008 09:49 PM

Hey, I don't mean to be disrespectful either, but I don't see how 'metboogie' put anyone down. You're just both under a lot of stress and other problems, so that definitely affects the sex life. Now, have you tried talking to him about it? Being straight up and actually telling him what you want? -For the toys, if his parents owned that store, I can see why he's lost curiosity in them, but it wouldn't hurt to one day tell him that you want him to start using them. Or just because he's lost interest doesn't mean you have, and that you would love it if he used the toys first for once. -For the orgasm; when you guys have sex, have him explore your body more, instead of just focusing on that specific area. Have him feel inside you [if the position allows] and don't worry about what he's feeling. That's right, when having sex you gotta be selfish and worry about your own feelings, not his. -And the actual initiation of the sex, tell him to initiate it from now on, since it's always been you who starts it. Or ask him to just go for it whenever he wants it. You [like him], have your days when you want absolutely nothing to do with sex.. And that's when you turn him down [or he turns you down].. But let him know you both have bad days and it doesn't happen all the time. Just tell him, I'm sure he won't say no.
And I apologize if anything I said sounded rude or disrespectful. That was totally not my intention.
Best of luck to you.

-MissGoddess

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-20-2008 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl827

I know it may seem as though we're "young kids" who don't really know what love is to some people out there and I understand how we could be viewed in that way. However, the two of us have been together through some events in both of our lives that most normal 35+ couples haven't had to experience--our emotional age is a lot higher than some would think. We're not that college couple who's out at the bar getting drunk every weekend partying it up. And I'm not trying to be ignorant or disrespectful in any way, but isn't this forum supposed to be help for ANY person who needs it, without discriminating against them because of their age? Yes, I'm 21, but do I not have the right to ask people who might have been in my shoes at some point for some decent, insightful advice?? Just a thought...

I think you may have mis-interpereted what metgoogie actually said to you in her advice.

Believe me, no one would think 21 or 23 is too young to discuss sex and you will receive many a reply in order to try to assist you.

A - ( A woman matures faster than a man, so his emotional growth is slower). By at least (4) years, i believe in fact... so you are vastly becoming more of a woman at a more rapid pace than him.....

Certainly as well, as you have pointed out and metboogie replied, dealing with a parent's death is difficult. My mother was 50 when her mother died and she didn't let it go for nearly 10 years.

B - I believe she is saying when you were at college, you were certainly more mature than you were when you were in school, at 15. And, it gets crazier and better, as well once you leave college and start working, each phase of our life another words is different. At 44, i am different than i was at 30 for instance, much more mature again and experiencing a much more no holding back, no barriers than i would have at 30.

Also, we grow therefore, and as you've been together a long time, you may have grown somewhat apart or be used to each other in a more friendship way, and sex is only a part of keeping it as a relationship.

But putting all of that aside.

If you are having trouble, then you may be best to experiment a bit more on your own and get to know yourself better to see what clicks and what doesn't so to speak.

I think it's hard to bring sex toys into it, and try all these things with a partner, in order for it to happen.

I found, that as i learn't myself more, i as able to do all sorts of things and then knew exactly how i wanted it, liked it etc.

And, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's normal and a normal process as much as it is for a man.

He could also still very much be in mourning and does not have as much interest and may not until he gets out of it. Not working to, can keep the spirits down as there is nothing much to be excited about, or things he can buy that can make him happier.

Be patient and find out who you are in the meantime.

**browneyedgirl827** · 03-21-2008 06:54 AM

I'll admit that I may have taken those comments the wrong way, but as a first time poster and someone who's been so frustrated with this for so long, I turned to this for some answers. When the first reply I got only talked about how we're so young and how he may have to be something I leave behind, of course I'm going to be offended in some way. However, thank you to those of you who helped me to see that there might have been an underlying message in those comments and for your advice. It's all things I need to take into consideration.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 03-21-2008 07:35 AM

I'm a guy.

browneyedgirl827, I'm pretty much in the same situation, only on the other side (and I try everything I can think of, toys etc). Personally, I think it's a combination of a lot of things, the pill killing sex drive, stress never allowing her to relax. I too have stopped making advances to her, after getting knocked back a number of times you start thinking screw that, I'm not humiliating myself any more, I'll just be receptive when she crawls over.

Also, I'm a nice guy, I'll always make sure she comes, but I'm not left feeling very satisfied when I've put in an hour of hard work to give her one then get 30 seconds of oral and a look on the face during sex that says hurry up. I've pretty much got to the point where I'm going to give up on the relationship, simply because I am by no means sexually happy. In fact, nowadays I pretty much have the same sex life as when I'm alone, which leads me to the conclusion it's not worth talking about her day, giving endlesss emotional attention etc, putting up with clean-freak nature etc.

I can only speak for myself, but I don't even want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to do it... If you don't feel like she's into it, it just makes you feel like an idiot, being humoured.

I think you need to make him know that you want it, and that you enjoy it - that you aren't just doing it for him as a favour. Take charge of your own orgasms, get yourself a good toy like the Hitachi Magic Wand and make yourself happy. He'll be glad to see you enjoying yourself.

As for mens emotional growth being slower.... YAWN. I disagree. Perpetuate a myth long enough and it becomes fact. Everyone is different, the thing is that guys choose to play and have fun, since in nature that's how you learn the skills to survive, and girls like to act mature, putting on make up and nattering about boys so they can be more like their mothers. It's not about maturity, it's about how different sexes act. Men hunt (play), women breed (a boring family maturity, get a boring job support the little family etc). Not mature/immature at all.

**metboogie** · 03-21-2008 04:29 PM

sorry if I offended - I normally explain myself pretty well...I think I was in a rush typing.

Anyhow, my general point was this - regardless of what you have been through, how old you are, etc you will experience much more - and because of your age have plenty more time to get those experiences in. It's a good thing, not a bad thing.

Specifically, you are now at a point in your life where your opportunity for meeting men and exploring different relationships is at it's greatest. Your boyfriend may need some time to catch up to you. You don't want to be a crutch or enabler (regardless of whether you mean to be or not) for his potential co-dependancy issues. You may go out in the world and find out the grass isn't greener on the other side...or you may find out it is.

See, when you are in HS & college, it's ok if your BF doesn't have a job, isn't in school or have any real goals, etc. But when you see that there are plenty of good men out there who do, well you may start to wonder what is wrong with him. There may be nothing wrong with him...but that's not the picture you painted.

Let me also say this - I know your initial question was about reaching orgasm and how to rectify that. And I don't think any of us have attempted to answer that (I'll try in a sec). But the reality is you opened up to us about issues that are MUCH MORE important than an orgasm...and we kind of targeted them.

As a man, I can tell you that my personal experience led me to tell you what I did in my 1st post - remember how young you still are (regardless of experience) and how much living you still have to do. It seems like reaching orgasm is the least of your problems - and I just really want you to evaluate the right issues when determining how to move forward in your relationship.

As for your orgasm - stress can definitely be a factor. But the lack of feeling/sensation worries me. You should (if you haven't already) consult your gynecologist. It may be embarassing, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

C · 03-21-2008 05:12 PM

Could it be that the sexual thrill is not there anymore for either one of you....This sometimes happens when a couple sexually grow in different directions. Kind of sexually tire of each other....In plain words, they grow apart... My husband and I were only together for only 47 days in the two years that we dated before we married. He was in the service so I was terribly sexual even though I will admit I had a lot to learn. Getting pregnant immediately for us or me was a challenge as it took me a long time to find myself and all the problems involved in the sexual compatibility in a marriage...But I will say, don't ever consider marriage feeling the way you do...You could spend your life waiting for that wonderful bang of an orgasm that you may never see with him. It must be there for you to be all that you should be as a woman. I know, I live there....But I married him in heat and never let it die...

This woman is not too young for an orgasm....She will grow sexually and learn herself but if you have to struggle with toys and implements then you are asking for trouble... Sex is much bigger than this...

Don't sell yourself or him short....Find sexual happiness that is sexual satisfaction for both of you at the same height of passion...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-21-2008 05:25 PM

Ah, no debating, but my 13 year old neice is much more advanced in all aspects mentally than my 17 year old nephew Funny about that.

It may also be that him telling you " other's have easily" may play on your mind when your with him even if it is in the back of your mind. Making it difficult.

Each woman is different as well, the other's may have got of on the excitement of sex and it was easy as they were just having sex, where as you have "emotions, therfore love" which is deeper and therefore, needs more of a connection as you have known him since 14 - 21.

Maybe add some adverture into it, things that may turn you on, instead of say toys, out in the woods somewhere, afraid of getting caught type of thing. A more hungrier approach perhaps..

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