Holding "off"...

**myguitartrevor** · 03-24-2008 07:57 PM

My wonderful relationship with my boyfriend is flourishing beautifully. We have been together for four months now, and are getting along very well. We always have fun with everything we do and any place we go to... ^_^

We made love the first time, before he left to be stationed overseas for several months...it was my first time with a lover...sadly, I was not a virgin before we ever did it...

I was sexually abused when I in my teen years...and regret every second of the event...

My dillemma is the fact that I can't reach climax...is this because of the trauma that I've experienced?...How will I be able to part from this past situation? And what pre-penetration rituals can I do to get "into" making love with my dear boyfriend?

Last thought: "My last resort would be to turn to the use of sex toys to stimulate me, or him...^_^"

Thank you!

**nikki22** · 03-24-2008 11:10 PM

Because of the trauma you experienced, seeing a counselor would probably benefit you.

I don't think you are going to be able to fully let yourself go until you open up to him, love him, and really trust him. Because of what has happened to you, you are really going to need to feel comfortable with him in order to climax

Good luck

**Little** · 03-25-2008 06:53 AM

You shouldn't have to regret that you were sexually abused; you were the victim, not the perpetrator. And you shouldn't think of yourself as "not a virgin;" sex is not just the physical act, but also the agreement between two people ... you don't have your virginity "taken," you choose to give it away.
I've been where you are. The climax will happen right when you least expect it. It will just happen. All you can do is relax and enjoy your boyfriend.

**Hystorm** · 03-25-2008 09:14 AM

In every way, shape and form, you were a Virgin at that time.
As Little stated, Virginity cannot be taken away, it is only given away!

What you experianced is very normal for your details. As another once said...the come will come.

Take care.

**Richard S** · 03-25-2008 03:00 PM

I was in a similar situation when I was in my 20's. That is, I was in a relationship with a woman who had been through trauma. You didn't mention how much you have told your boyfriend. My advice is to tell him everything. Trust him enough to make him a part of your healing process. There is more I could say but to be honest it's just too personal. Being in the Marines is one test of a man. Reaching out with heart and soul to find that place where you are perfect, pure, and completely beautiful is another. I have my own opinions on which one counts for more when all is said and done.

And... that's all I'm going to say here.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-25-2008 04:33 PM

[quote=Richard S;33352]I

Reaching out with heart and soul to find that place where you are perfect, pure, and completely beautiful is another. [quote]

& Trust.....

It truly is a place where you live and breathe it daily and splash around in all that beauty, you laugh and smile where ever you go and people feel that with you. You could jump up and down on a spot...

To delve down into your inner self, touching your heart and soul is truly a magnificent journey and something once attained, you can never go back to where it was...

You have a deep side Richard. And, each post i can relate to as i am in that place.

**myguitartrevor** · 03-27-2008 03:53 PM

I did tell him everything that has happened to me in the past. I've been honest with him about myself and what i have gone through when we were getting to know each other. It's not hard for me to let "select" people know about what's going on in my life...it just took me a really long time to convince myself to expose the truth to the most important persons in my life [i.e. family and friends]...

i know i shouldn't think "it's my fault why this happened to me...because i LET it happen to ME..." but i can't help it, really...this certain memory plays on ALL of my insecurities...and one of them is being vulnerable to the truth in life. That somebody out there is being abused and raped...the world being imperfect...how small i really feel against all the bad things that have and can potentially happen...the lottery being "fixed" [j/k :P]...

i ask myself everyday why does he love me, when someone's already used me? why is he still with me? why does he want ME out of all the other women out there? why does he keep telling me that i'm "perfect" when i'm not? why? why? why? why? why? why? i think i ask too much...i dunno...i guess i just feel so low and degraded sometimes that i torture myself with these absurd questions...

he's actually the only one, out of all of my other boyfriends, who i've told about what has happened to me...

i DO trust him...with everything i am...

...but...what else can i do with my situation?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-27-2008 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by myguitartrevor

I did tell him everything that has happened to me in the past. I've been honest with him about myself and what i have gone through when we were getting to know each other. It's not hard for me to let "select" people know about what's going on in my life...it just took me a really long time to convince myself to expose the truth to the most important persons in my life [i.e. family and friends]...

i know i shouldn't think "it's my fault why this happened to me...because i LET it happen to ME..." but i can't help it, really...this certain memory plays on ALL of my insecurities...and one of them is being vulnerable to the truth in life. That somebody out there is being abused and raped...the world being imperfect...how small i really feel against all the bad things that have and can potentially happen...the lottery being "fixed" [j/k :P]...

i ask myself everyday why does he love me, when someone's already used me? why is he still with me? why does he want ME out of all the other women out there? why does he keep telling me that i'm "perfect" when i'm not? why? why? why? why? why? why? i think i ask too much...i dunno...i guess i just feel so low and degraded sometimes that i torture myself with these absurd questions...

he's actually the only one, out of all of my other boyfriends, who i've told about what has happened to me...

i DO trust him...with everything i am...

...but...what else can i do with my situation?

I am betting you didn't LET HIM, you were a teenager, young, nieve, vulnerable. You may have not know how to say NO, that's all.

You don't need to ask why? Because he is already there and loving you, it is you he likes. Being a virgin as other posters have said, has nothing to do with the way your thinking, it's giving that love in it's totality for the first time to the man you love. He more than likely knows this to, that you love him and that is all that is important. I am sure that you have also told him that he is the first one that you have told of your situation. Don't you think that makes him feel, special, again that is what "first love" is all about, feeling "the one", "as one" joined at the hip.

The only person who can love your body is you. If you concentrate and look at yourself in the mirror naked and see that beauty, then you will feel beautiful. Simularily if you run your hands over your breasts and see that they are beautiful, you will know that they are.

The more beauty you see in yourself, the more that in-security will fade away and all those things you are desiring will start to take place. You don't need toys, just you, finding you...

**Richard S** · 03-28-2008 03:12 PM

Hmmm... There's a lot I could say here.

My main advice is to take time and be patient with yourself. I've only been on this forum for a short time and I already see so many young women in their early 20's asking, "Am I normal?" The answer is yes, you are, and above and beyond that, you are perfect and beautiful.

And, for every day that goes by, the awful thing that happened to you moves one day further into the past.

Some women become orgasmic in their teens, for others it starts in their 20's, and it's different for each woman.

Truthfully, I've seen a lot of women who don't find their true power until their 40's.

So you have a lot to look forward to.

Since you are obviously committed to your BF, and he is stationed overseas, your options are somewhat limited. All I can say is be patient with yourself.

Oh, and maybe encourage your BF to post here.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-29-2008 03:02 AM

I am betting you didn't LET HIM, you were a teenager, young, nieve, vulnerable. You may have not know how to say NO, that's all.

I just wanted to say that i firstly re-read your thread before replying and read " i was sexually abused".

Hense the above comment. I was trying to say, we are vulnerable at a young age and very nieve. I do not know the circumstances and should not have made that comment therefore.

I guess when i then read but I let him, i was trying to still say, it doesn't matter, we are young and nieve at that age.

So, i am apologising in advance, as that paragraph may have sounded the wrong way and i hope this post explains those thoughts at the time.

Also, i was attached at 18, hit in the face and dragged out of a night club walking simply out of a toilet.

He saw me dancing and therefore, must have liked what he saw.

I had a few drinks and i was young. But, when your young you assume you can dance sexy and not have to worry about being taken.

I was with my boyfriend and i was dancing with him.

So, perhaps to, i allowed emotions to get in the way.

I am way older and that has not affected my life but it did in the beginning of course.

I got away, because i held strength and tried to stay conscious whilst he hit me repeatedly in the face and tried to push me in his car.

I held on so tight, and saw my life flash before me, somehow that this 6 ft man couldn't actually do it, i held on.

Then a taxi driver drove up and well, he didn't move so the guy had to let me go.

I had almost forgotten about this, but perhaps you bought it up.

We are all here to share and maybe i needed to remember.

But, you know, i have had some amazing loving relationships but that did at the time deeply affect me pertaining to men.

I questioned all men.

So i hope by me telling you this story and i know Richard wanted to kill me

before for saying that, hense i have been honest and stated perhaps why i felt to reply in this way.

But you do forget, i did... Until i walked away and realised mmmm mean't CW... and spoke.

It's a good place to tell how you feel here, no one knows you...

You took me back quite a few years i guess but as i said, i let it go truly, as i said, i only recalled after reflecting what i replied.

So please don't take that paragraph in any other way than the way i intended based on what i was thinking obviously at that time.

CW

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