Thread: My girlfriend has a lot of trouble having an orgasm

Alright so I have been dating a girl for a few months... We are in love, or at least I am and she says she is, I assume she isn't lying. Our relationship is great. Obviously it's still new so things could go downhill, but I have high hopes for this one. I will be 24 in a month and she is 20.

With that said, let's get to the point... We have a GREAT sex life. It's spontaneous when appropriate, planned at times also... We do it slow, fast, hard, soft, at times it's very romantic and special, other times it's just raw hard sex. Just like any other healthy sex life I would think. I go down on her regularly, I finger her regularly. I LOVE foreplay, and I often lick and suck here entire body before actually getting to the point. I strive to make her feel as comfortable as possible, as she has a less than stellar self-image and has some self-esteem issues.

The problem is, she can't have an orgasm. She has NEVER had a real orgasm in her life. She has been with an average number of partners. None of them have been able to do it or even come close. I personally had never been with a woman that I failed to coax into orgasm through some means (generally oral and my fingers, though intercourse works at times also... But not many women can have an orgasm from pure intercourse anyway). I am not bragging, but I have gotten rave reviews from every woman I have ever been with.

So this is the first woman I have been with that I haven't been able to bring to orgasm one way or another. That's not to say she doesn't enjoy our sex life, she absolutely does. She just doesn't get over the hump.

There are a few things you will find interesting in answering this question for me...

First, she has masturbated in a strange (in her opinion) manner through her entire life. What she does is kind of presses her vagina against a hard surface (like the arm of a chair or something like that) and just grinds on it really hard. She has done this ever since she began masturbating. She can achieve small orgasms in this manner, but that's it. She says that it's the feeling of pressure above her vagina, like on her pubic bone, that coaxes her to orgasm.

She is very scared that she has somehow desensitized herself by doing this her whole life. Is this possible?

This leads me to another point:

When I finger her and/or go down on her, she says it's like nothing she has ever felt before. Her legs twitch, she makes a lot of involuntary noises and her face and chest become very flush and her body temperature rises... The normal signs of a woman approaching orgasm. But then it gets to a certain point, and she says it's too intense and asks me to stop.

I am very attentive, I think this is the reason I have been able to bring women to orgasm so frequently. I also understand that direct clitoral pressure can be too much for some women, so I ease up when necessary. My girlfriend says it's not painful and that the feeling is just too good and too intense.

I have suggested to her that she may be close to orgasm and have asked if I can continue, but she says she just can't handle it. I have tried clitoral stimulation alone, I have tried vaginal stimulation + clitoral... I have tried pretty much everything. I have asked her if we could incorporate toys, but she has never used one and doesn't see the point. I told her she doesn't know what she's missing (I very much enjoy using toys on my partners) but I don't want to push it and make her upset so I just dropped it. I have even tried giving her full body massages before sex to relax her.

I have told her that she should try to have an orgasm on her own throguh more conventional methods of masturbation, but she says she's tried and she can't do it.

All I want is to be able to make her feel good. She says our sex is perfect and she couldn't ask for more and that everything I do feels better than any man she's ever been with, and I believe her, but it still lingers in the back of my mind that I just want to give her an orgasm so badly.

Does anyone have any advice? Could she really have "broken" herself so to speak?

No, not at all, she hasnt damaged herself. In fact, it is quite normal to masterbate in the way you described, and i imagine quite common. Grinding the pubic bone causes a pressure stimulated response around the clitoral area. (sorry i cant be more scientific!)

Im incredibly pleased about how attentive you are to her needs, good for you!

The trembling, intense feeling you described is also quite common...im speaking from experience - its a cross between pleasure and pain. Id suggest lowering the intensity of whatever youre doing, whether it be a case of kissing / rubbing AROUND the clitoris instead of directly ON it? Or maybe be a little softer in whatever youre doing?

I would highly recommend suggesting to your girlfriend, as long as you think she wont be offended, to use a sex toy in her own time..so that she can work out what feels good for her. A rampent rabbit would be perfect as she can alternate between clitorial and / or vaginal stimulation, and she will be able to lower and increase the intensity too. That is what i did anyway...ive have never been able to reach orgasm through intercourse alone, and i imagine the same applies for many women. Its just a case of every woman being different. The only way i can reach orgasm is to use a vibrator during sex, and i wouldnt have realised that if i hadnt have experimented with sex toys!!

It isnt anything that you are doing wrong, and i love that you both communicate with each other. Best of luck and keep up the attentiveness!!!

You're doing all the right things.

I would just say give her time. Most 20 year old women have no clue how to respond to a man who is tender and attentive because it's so alien to their experience. She needs to get more used to you so she can relax and open up more. It's easy to take for granted how intimate this is for her. Most women are used to being treated like a place for the guy to put his thing. Also, keep working on the massage. Try to figure out where her energy centers are. Most women hold their tension in the upper back and neck area. Of course foot massage (reflexology) can be a powerful tool as well.

Apart from that, I'd say this is more about her at this point. Perhaps you can encourage her to post into this forum. Just give her time and be patient. You're still young, and you have a girl in your life who you love and she seems to love you. That is *such* a gift. I'm just saying that some early-20's relationships go all the way, and others don't. You never know. Make the most of the time you have with her in the here and now and do the best you can both inside and outside of the bedroom. That's really all you can do.

I can totally relate to the problems that your girlfriend is having. When I was reading your post, I was thinking- wow thats exactly what happens to me. For the past 5 years my boyfriend has tried everything, I am getting to the point, where we would consider using toys to -put me over the edge-. Just like you, my boyfriend is very very frustrated.

Keep being persistent- and definately lighten up when things start to get close- sometimes it becomes painful after so much stimulation-

Have her experiment more and have her be extremely verbal- The more she learns about her body- the more she'll be able to tell you- how to push her over the edge-