Why do I find myself daydreaming of other men

**confusedtonoend** · 04-03-2008 02:17 AM

I am married and have a wonderful 2 year old son. I love my husband and even though it is rocky at times we get through it. Even if we are in a high point in our relationship I can't stop myself from flirting or daydreaming about other men. Sometimes wondering if i even have a chance. Its ridiculous i know but I can't help it and after I have my thoughts and daydreams and I see my husband after work I feel so guilty like how could i think that way.. Is this normal I have never cheated on my husband and i don't think i could bring myself up to that but it's like a middle age crisis and i am not even 30 yet.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2008 03:18 AM

Originally Posted by confusedtonoend

I am married and have a wonderful 2 year old son. I love my husband and even though it is rocky at times we get through it. Even if we are in a high point in our relationship I can't stop myself from flirting or daydreaming about other men. Sometimes wondering if i even have a chance. Its ridiculous i know but I can't help it and after I have my thoughts and daydreams and I see my husband after work I feel so guilty like how could i think that way.. Is this normal I have never cheated on my husband and i don't think i could bring myself up to that but it's like a middle age crisis and i am not even 30 yet.

I think it sounds a simple thing like your missing passion from your marriage and craving something, that you may feel is lacking.

You have a young one that you are tending to, probably tired, and "getting through" probably needs to be a bit more, "happier" instead of getting through.

Can you date again, leave the little one with family and get dressed up and go out together and daydream about each other?

Not middle age, lots of people feel that way.

I also daydreamed and flirted when married but never had an affair and my reasons were all that i was missing.

You just need to get back what it is you both feel you are missing in a relationship and bond together more i think.

Hope that helps.

**Still Nobody** · 04-03-2008 03:31 AM

Originally Posted by confusedtonoend

I am married and have a wonderful 2 year old son. I love my husband and even though it is rocky at times we get through it. Even if we are in a high point in our relationship I can't stop myself from flirting or daydreaming about other men. Sometimes wondering if i even have a chance. Its ridiculous i know but I can't help it and after I have my thoughts and daydreams and I see my husband after work I feel so guilty like how could i think that way.. Is this normal I have never cheated on my husband and i don't think i could bring myself up to that but it's like a middle age crisis and i am not even 30 yet.

Well, maybe it's those rocky times with your husband that make the other men look so good to you. In a fantasy setting, or even when you're flirting, you aren't fighting with these other men -- everything's great and fun, and all that. It's kind of like you're feeling that idiom "the grass is always greener on the other side the fence" when you fantasize and flirt with these other guys, when in reality you would probably just end up having the same kind of drama with those guys that you have with your husband.

Is there something specific about those guys(or fantasies) that you wish your husband had or would do?

**Still Nobody** · 04-03-2008 03:35 AM

Oh, I didn't realize CHANDLERS WISH had already answered. I guess I need to refresh the page more often.

**confusedtonoend** · 04-03-2008 03:55 AM

sometimes i daydream just because they are just cute. let me rephrase that hottttt.. Great build gorgeous eyes clean cut tall built strong looking guys. And they all flirt back or at least thats what i think. I've done it in front of my husband which is horrible i know but its like my mind just runs wild and part of it is the grass is always greener.. I have always done this in previous relationships but this one i can't run away from. The worst part to me right now is the grass really looks greener on the other side.

We have tried going on dates more and have been more intimate with each other but I can't help but look. will this somehow pass. i feel awful for my husband and i feel trapped at the same time. Honestly the whole commitment part is what i am really scared about lately and we have been married for 3 years and we dated for 4 years. I would of never thought I would feel like this. The only thing i cried about on my wedding day was changing my last name.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2008 04:39 AM

Originally Posted by confusedtonoend

sometimes i daydream just because they are just cute. let me rephrase that hottttt.. Great build gorgeous eyes clean cut tall built strong looking guys. And they all flirt back or at least thats what i think. I've done it in front of my husband which is horrible i know but its like my mind just runs wild and part of it is the grass is always greener.. I have always done this in previous relationships but this one i can't run away from. The worst part to me right now is the grass really looks greener on the other side.

We have tried going on dates more and have been more intimate with each other but I can't help but look. will this somehow pass. i feel awful for my husband and i feel trapped at the same time. Honestly the whole commitment part is what i am really scared about lately and we have been married for 3 years and we dated for 4 years. I would of never thought I would feel like this. The only thing i cried about on my wedding day was changing my last name.

Oh, I didn't realize CHANDLERS WISH had already answered. I guess I need to refresh the page more often.

Think we posted at the same time. lol. Were we reading each other's mind, that is until we saw the answer....

Mmm, don't think so. Commitment may scare the **** out of you and you either loved, or love that single life and what it has to offer, the sexuality of the unknown, with whom.... Ahh that last line, see you weren't ready to commit.

I didn't get married until 36, i wasn't ready, i had some fantastic relationships and i loved the spice of life, the difference in all of those relationships when they fizzled, and settled to much, i was selfish, i moved on but on the same accord, in all fairness to me, i didn't understand communcation and the fact that you have to work at it, well maybe i wasn't ready eather to do that. Also i chose the sexually attracted men, those whom i felt sexually attracted to and fell into those relationships.

Most lasted 4 years but each missed something and i have now worked out what. Time to get to know them first, and see if i like them in totality not just sexually.

Even my husband ( ex) was initially sexual, fun as a person but we got engaged in 3 weeks, married in 18 months well we were old, 37... lol.

But, he had issues that i couldn't help i was then at the stage and age of commiting and trying communication to it's fullest as i had matured and worked all of that out, i actually wanted it to work. But you can't change someone and he was controlling as well as verbally not nice on - going, so well, i made the right decision there.

Sometimes we chose the wrong partner, if you've "dated" and "tried" new sexual experiences and you love him, you need to ask if you are in love with him or could be...

You may have said "yes" before you knew what "yes" was going to involve.

I think your in trouble really in as much as those fantasies will continue and the grass is only greener if you can have everything you desire, but compromise so he also has everything he desires, as one....

Whilst i think i have given an opinion i fall short of an answer, as i don't want to say ' time to go' ...

TIme to think maybe.

CW

**Still Nobody** · 04-03-2008 04:58 AM

I think I'll just say "ditto" this time.

Well, "ditto" with the exception of the personal details you gave, of course.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2008 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by Still Nobody

I think I'll just say "ditto" this time.

Well, "ditto" with the exception of the personal details you gave, of course.

After all this time, Still Nobody, i can not work that dear little multi quote button it just won't do it, so i had to cut and paste, sorry....

**rcoreyus** · 04-03-2008 09:31 AM

I think fantasies are fine. No one should be embarassed by thoughts - as long as they don't act on them.

Flirting (within limits) is OK as well. Sometimes it is just nice to know that someone finds you attractive. When you have been married for a long time, it is easy to think that your spouse just stays with you out of some sort of duty.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2008 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I think fantasies are fine. No one should be embarassed by thoughts - as long as they don't act on them.

Flirting (within limits) is OK as well. Sometimes it is just nice to know that someone finds you attractive. When you have been married for a long time, it is easy to think that your spouse just stays with you out of some sort of duty.

I think flirting is healthy done as you say, within limits certainly with the other man knowing with no intention.

And, i actually have a problem with fantasies, if in love, i can't have one without it being the man i am with, i can't visualise naked fireman, with six packs, grins from ear to ear as they walk my way, ( actually yes i can i just did) lol... You know what i mean... But i understand that they are harmless.

But in this instance, for the last 12 months of my marriage, i flirted, fantasises, took myself back to being single in my mind totally and left.

I had my reasons, they could not be solved.

So, i guess when someone says " i feel caged, i hate commitment, i hated changing my name on the wedding day" i tend to think, that those fantasies, that flirting is 10 fold to what ever she experienced before or will be soon and that's hard.

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