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Thread: Lonely and feeling unwanted

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    Default Lonely and feeling unwanted


    I am new here. I have been married to my current husband only 2+ years and sex 6 times a weeks has turned into sex barely 1 x a week. I have tried everything, fantansies, making sure my hair and makeup are on etc. but he seems to have no interest at all. I am 41 and he is 38. He has had the nerve to ask me "are you that desperate" when I try to initiate. He used to love when I initiated but now he would rather be away from me. I have given up at lot to be with him. I have had a child for him (whom I do love dearly). But I can't get his attention. I am so sad. I wonder what is wrong all the time. Am I all of a sudden not pretty enough, well I still have a bit of weight to go before I am completely myself, but his ex-wife had 100 lbs extra on me. She has confided several issues to me. She has no reason to hurt me. I take great care of her kids and a lot of what she said turned out to be the truth. I want to trust him. Maybe, I expect that "making love" will fix things. He had make up sex with her. He actually had some weird fantasies with her. I have introduced them into our relationship and I thought they worked, though he doesn't know where I found out about them. But it is like sex is a chore to him. I don't want to be a chore. I have threathened an affair; but,that is not what I want at all. I want to be with someone "him" who loves me or so I think. I have no idea what to try next. Is it his age? He has been withoer 50 women and I haven't been near anywhere more than with 10 but it is less, but I didn't count who thought it mattered? Is it me? He can't get it up for me? Or does he just want a maid and a ********** when he is in the mood. I don't know and my feelings are so hurt don't know what to do.

    Any thoughts, any help is greatly appreciated. Katie Scarlett

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    Quote Originally Posted by katie scarlett View Post
    I am new here. I have been married to my current husband only 2+ years and sex 6 times a weeks has turned into sex barely 1 x a week. I have tried everything, fantansies, making sure my hair and makeup are on etc. but he seems to have no interest at all. I am 41 and he is 38. He has had the nerve to ask me "are you that desperate" when I try to initiate. He used to love when I initiated but now he would rather be away from me. I have given up at lot to be with him. I have had a child for him (whom I do love dearly). But I can't get his attention. I am so sad. I wonder what is wrong all the time. Am I all of a sudden not pretty enough, well I still have a bit of weight to go before I am completely myself, but his ex-wife had 100 lbs extra on me. She has confided several issues to me. She has no reason to hurt me. I take great care of her kids and a lot of what she said turned out to be the truth. I want to trust him. Maybe, I expect that "making love" will fix things. He had make up sex with her. He actually had some weird fantasies with her. I have introduced them into our relationship and I thought they worked, though he doesn't know where I found out about them. But it is like sex is a chore to him. I don't want to be a chore. I have threathened an affair; but,that is not what I want at all. I want to be with someone "him" who loves me or so I think. I have no idea what to try next. Is it his age? He has been withoer 50 women and I haven't been near anywhere more than with 10 but it is less, but I didn't count who thought it mattered? Is it me? He can't get it up for me? Or does he just want a maid and a ********** when he is in the mood. I don't know and my feelings are so hurt don't know what to do.

    Any thoughts, any help is greatly appreciated. Katie Scarlett
    Hi Katie,

    I don't think it is you and i think more importantly you should not feel unattractive, after all he married YOU.

    From reading what you have stated here, i would firstly say that if he has "fantasies" out of the norm, then he is aware of all the varieties in which he likes as a man personally. The initiation of sexual things that his ex - wife had previously done, that you have now instigated " without him knowing" , he may very well do, because if he has been with 50 odd women, and has a difference in sexual sides of things than the norm he would know i think, that you two are talking about your sex life.

    I personally, my opinion only would be not to do this anyway, as well, that's private but also because, if that was the key issue, then he would have remained with her.

    You say that you gave a lot up for him, and nothing wrong with that, and that you had his child "for him" so i assume he asked you to do so, as aposed to you both decided to do so.

    He has fantasies, has had a lot of women.

    He sounds a little one sided to me. "Me, Me, Me, " which is not what a relationship is about really.

    I also wonder as can be the case, if he is really not the "marrying kind" you know, wants someone there for companionship, a romp when he wants, food on the table but sexually, he prefers to be "free" single and non committed. I'm not suggesting he is into other women whilst married to you, don't get me wrong, as i don't know any more than you are telling.

    But you did mention again the ex-wife has told you a lot and you want to trust him.

    When you get close to an ex, and they give out to much information it's difficult for you to have a normal relationship with your man.

    You could also be "trying" to hard, in as much as, showing that fear that she may have instilled in your mind about him, and being needy as a result.

    But he has no right what so ever to say things like " what are you desperate", not to a WIFE.

    I think you have to stop doing anything, for a little while and stop discussing your sexual and her past sexual regarding your husband, with the ex-wife and sit back and see the whole picture a bit clearer.

    I think everyone will tell you sex is wicked for the first what ever, pending on how long you can maintain that sensual/sexual side with each other before routine sets in, or familiarity takes over, or what ever.

    But we are all beautiful inside and out, so don't stress over that side of you, you don't have to prove anything to a man that loves you, he loves you with bedhair, no make-up, and dress up to the nines.

    So a few questions possibily more than you may need to ask yourself, as i can't see that it is you.

    Welcome by the way.

    CW

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    Katie - I'm very sorry about your situation. Unfortunately it is a common one. My wife will only sleep with me one a month or so - and I do everything I can to please her. Nothing seems to help (>10 years now). You will see other threads here with people (of both genders) with similar problems.

    I don't think it is anything you are doing or not doing. Some people just seem to have a low interest in sex. I wish I had a suggestion, but I am waiting for one myself.

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    i was hoping this would give me some advice. I feel worse than before i read this.
    we used to have sex like 5 times a day. now, seriously, like once a week.
    i really feel like he does what he wants, comes home when he wants, s when he wants, talks, jokes, fights, anything that he wants to do is what we do. everytime i ry to talk, im ing, everytime i call him out on , like how his job closed at 1o and its after 1130 already and he isnt home. all i think of is him with someone else and me sitting here with our month old baby, fat, ugly, hair needs done, no tan, i have comepletly lost my self esteem......i actually have started thinking of nt existing. i dont want to be without my 2 children

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    Quote Originally Posted by rcoreyus View Post
    Katie - I'm very sorry about your situation. Unfortunately it is a common one. My wife will only sleep with me one a month or so - and I do everything I can to please her. Nothing seems to help (>10 years now).
    Never understand why so many people here spend years miserable and do nothing about it. I'd have walked LONG ago. Unless he was terminal, 1 time a month is how long I'd stay with my BF. I'd be gone in a month.

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    Steph, its sometimes not that simple. Lots of relationships have good and bad parts. I'm sure you've seen people leave one unhappy relationship and wind up in a worse one.

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    Default Not alone at all

    I feel for you.

    Reading your post reminded me of an article I saw recently. I tracked it down.
    well.blogs.nytimes,When Sex Leaves the Marriage, The article is an interview done with a sex researcher.

    A lot of people share your frustration.
    Last edited by WildChild; 06-19-2009 at 12:16 PM. Reason: removed outbound link

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    I am in agreement that saying things like 'Are you really that desperate?' is out of order, and only likely to make you feel your needs are unreasonable.

    I have been in the position of wanting sex a lot less than my partner, but I would never make him feel unreasonable for wanting it. What I would suggest, however, is that the more you try to initiate sex, the more it will be resisted, and it often becomes worse.

    Some people see sex more as a shared intimacy, an emotional link, and if they feel secure in other areas the need for sex becomes less. Also if they feel LESS needed or less loved, the desire for sex can disappear. It's a minefield!

    One suggestion to get your relationship back on track, is to make sure there are NO expectations of sex. Try having a week once a month where it is understood that sex is absolutely off the cards; that the week is about intimacy not sex.
    Massages for each other; one person gets the attention one night, then swap the following night.

    Exploring your partner's body when there is absolutely zero expectation or pressure is a fantastic thing to do to help get rid of any emotional baggage or hang ups about sex that you've both developed in terms of your relationship and history.

    Cuddling, holding each other and staring into each others eyes. Stroking faces, arms, bodies, enjoying and appreciating each other without any agenda. It can really improve things.

    I would also suggest this to Jwhinne1, as a way to overcome your own feelings of self doubt about your appearance and attractiveness. If your partner is allowed to take his time to touch you and look at you without you feeling the need to hide your body, or push the sex issue, it could help you both.
    Give both of you time to adjust to this new role as parents, and help him take time to see you as you, not just as the mother of his child.

    I would also suggest that your emotions and need to be needed are heightened by the fact that you have just given birth. It is perfectly natural to feel suddenly insecure about your ability to 'hold on' to your man, to worry unnecessarily that he will leave us and to have irrational fears that he is interested in other women. It used to make me angry when people blamed my feelings on my hormones - be it PMT or baby blues - but later when the feelings subside it is often clear that that was a large part of the problem.

    Don't let your fears and hormones ruin your relationship. Relax. Allow him time. It may also be that he is feeling the pressure of suddenly providing for you and his child, and feeling anxious or burdened. GIVE IT TIME. Things will improve if you don't let your insecurities push you further apart.

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    Quote Originally Posted by katie scarlett View Post
    I am new here. I have been married to my current husband only 2+ years and sex 6 times a weeks has turned into sex barely 1 x a week. I have tried everything, fantansies, making sure my hair and makeup are on etc. but he seems to have no interest at all. I am 41 and he is 38. He has had the nerve to ask me "are you that desperate" when I try to initiate. He used to love when I initiated but now he would rather be away from me. I have given up at lot to be with him. I have had a child for him (whom I do love dearly). But I can't get his attention. I am so sad. I wonder what is wrong all the time. Am I all of a sudden not pretty enough, well I still have a bit of weight to go before I am completely myself, but his ex-wife had 100 lbs extra on me. She has confided several issues to me. She has no reason to hurt me. I take great care of her kids and a lot of what she said turned out to be the truth. I want to trust him. Maybe, I expect that "making love" will fix things. He had make up sex with her. He actually had some weird fantasies with her. I have introduced them into our relationship and I thought they worked, though he doesn't know where I found out about them. But it is like sex is a chore to him. I don't want to be a chore. I have threathened an affair; but,that is not what I want at all. I want to be with someone "him" who loves me or so I think. I have no idea what to try next. Is it his age? He has been withoer 50 women and I haven't been near anywhere more than with 10 but it is less, but I didn't count who thought it mattered? Is it me? He can't get it up for me? Or does he just want a maid and a ********** when he is in the mood. I don't know and my feelings are so hurt don't know what to do.

    Any thoughts, any help is greatly appreciated. Katie Scarlett

    Maybe you guys should talk about it. Anyway, that's what the marriage is for. COMMUNICATION.

  10. #10
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    Why many guy's have a problem:

    Many men see a relationship with a woman like they do a car.

    Bright shiny and new to us, we do anything for it. Wash it, use armorall, get routine oil changes.... The engine starts up on the first turn of the key and is ready for the road.

    Sadly, as time passes, so does our passion for our car. At this point, the paint is slightly faded, and there is obviously some wear and tear. The car no longer starts up immediately. We need to turn the key a few times, step on the gas, turn the key a few more and hopefully it starts up.

    I hope that you understand my analogy. As time in a relationship passes, men stop wanting to do all those extra things to get you in the mood and most men lack the ability to come up with something different/extra to get you into the mood. We need your help to keep everything interesting.

    Start with a little light roleplay. Do something off the wall and unexpected. Men HATE the routine that sex becomes after a long time in a relationship.

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