Have i done something wrong?

**confusedgurl** · 05-19-2008 01:04 AM

Hello i am 22 years old and i have been with my boyfriend for nearly two and a half years. I love him alot but lately am finding i get disappointed when i see him because he doesn't get close to me and there isn't much communication by him by phone or text. Let me tell you about when we were first together, we met at college and had a really good relationship, a friend said we were 'in love'. In the early days we would always hold hands and put arms around each other when walking and i would sit on his lap often. We didn't have our first kiss though until we were together for almost a year. Six months later we had an argument and split up but got back together almost a year later, on valentine's day. About three months after we got back together we had what i would call our first sexual experience, we french kissed and i gave him a handjob it was the first time for both and it just sort of happened. Our next experience wasn't until about january or february this year, we did the same but this time my boyfriend fingered me. We then had another experience a week later of the same. The first time my boyfriend came but the second he didn't. But since this last time we haven't done it again, we've been alone together a few times but just watched tv. I'm starting to think i have done something wrong because we haven't even kissed since, i've tried talking to him about the relationship but he just seems to go quiet. I even have doubts whether he enjoyed it or not, he said he did at the time but now i'm not sure. It doesn't bother me too much if we do it or not that's not the only thing that seems different in the relationship. The main thing that does bother me is the fact we don't kiss or hold hands or generally get close that way, and the lack of phone communication is difficult. There never was a problem at college when we first went out, he would phone every day twice a day which was abit extreme but now i'm lucky if he phones once a week sometimes longer. I really miss not having a good conversation on the phone. I guess i am paranoid but this does really bother me at times even sometimes during my sleep i have bad dreams, the dreams always are the same theme of someone trying to kill me, my boyfriend rescueing me and then us having sex. Lately since we did the forplay i'm also finding i'm thinking about sex alot more, i hardly did before. Is this normal i wonder? I don't know if he's feeling the same. We have never actually had sex, vaginal or oral, so i don't really understand why i am thinking about it.

If anyone can help at all i'd be so grateful.

**FilmNJ** · 05-19-2008 01:07 AM

when you think about sex, what type of sex is it?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2008 05:35 AM

confusedgurl
guess i am paranoid but this does really bother me at times even sometimes during my sleep i have bad dreams, the dreams always are the same theme of someone trying to kill me, my boyfriend rescueing me and then us having sex.

Your knight in shining armour in your minds eye. So you want to let go completely.

Lately since we did the forplay i'm also finding i'm thinking about sex alot more, i hardly did before. Is this normal i wonder? I don't know if he's feeling the same. We have never actually had sex, vaginal or oral, so i don't really understand why i am thinking about it.

You've had a taste, fingering is vaginal, hand jobs are a form of sex, your more open to think about it.

About three months after we got back together we had what i would call our first sexual experience, we french kissed and i gave him a handjob it was the first time for both and it just sort of happened. Our next experience wasn't until about january or february this year, we did the same but this time my boyfriend fingered me. We then had another experience a week later of the same.

Nothing more to add.... it seems strange that you know so much about experiences, but yet so little....

So' shall i wait for your response, and others then if i can offer, more.......

**miffed23** · 05-19-2008 07:04 AM

I truely believe youre going through a "developing" stage both personally and within your relationship and therefore you are seeking more.

Excuse me for saying, but your realtionship comes across as quite relaxed, almost casual? It might be that he is shy, it might be that he is not really into having a serious relationship right now.

What is the situation about how you see each other? Have you or him got your own place? Do you both still live with parents? Do you just meet up and hang out? Because,the final two will inevitably cause you problems to become "closer". You need some private time together, its difficult to get close and hold hands, kiss etc if youre infront of others.

Maybe since youve taken the leap and started to incorporate sexual things, he has been taken back by it, he could be worried (from past experiences) that youre going to demand a wedding ring (extreme, i know, but you get my drift)....reassure him that you enjoy spending time with him, keep your topics of conversation light.

I dont think youve done anything wrong, if anything -he is being a bit naughty not showing you love and attenton after you "gave yourself" to him. Id be a bit wary to take things any further (sexually) until things improve or else you might end up feeling 'used' or unwanted. I know that i would if after my first time, he didnt bother to acknowledge me. He should make you feel special.

Good luck honey.

**confusedgurl** · 05-19-2008 02:07 PM

Thanks for your replies i really appreciate them. To answer your questions Miffed23 I live with my parents he doesn't anymore he now lives with his boss who i guess you could say is a mate aswell. He is much older than my boyfriend. We usually see each other where my boyfriend is living but sometimes he comes round mine too, not often. I usually see him when he is alone but sometimes my sister comes round too, she's a mate of his and younger than me, sometimes i actually prefer it if she is there too. Our relationship is what i'd call a serious relationship as in we are a couple and we don't 'see' other people but i suspose you could say it is more like a friendship because the lack of closeness. I guess my boyfriend is a shy person as he doesn't like doing things infront of other people like kissing and i'm the same i like it to be in private. It could be that he is abit reluctant to get too close because then he'll want to get closer and spend more time with me and he can't do that because of his job. Btw FilmNJ, the type of sex in my dream is vaginal sex i haven't thought of any of the other types. Chandlers Wish i think your right that he rescues me in my dreams because he's the one i'm thinking about and loves.

C · 05-19-2008 02:42 PM

I think this whole sexual thing is so confusing to you....You love it and you hate yourself after doing it....It is your good girl fighting the bad girl in you....Letting yourself go and being a woman that you sexually are can be a terrible burden....You have been closely guarded by yourself all your life and now the things that you have guarded as the very perfection in you, you find are just wonderful and you love them yet part of you fears this new unknown that you know is ahead of you.....Maybe, just maybe your young man feels the same....You just can't talk about what is so big that is happening between you.....It is just too wonderful and you can't figure out if these things are bad or good or if they should even be done...

I believe one of the most confusing times in a woman's life is learning to allow herself to be a woman.....Letting go of all these precious sexual thrills that she is feeling as he touches her new places that awaken her and take her breath away....This feeling of heaven that she never knew before...Then you wonder if he knows when you go to see him that you can't wait until he does this again....You need these touches as they are driving you wild and as you sit and think about it you quiver with want....

Honey, just have a wonderful life...I may be all wrong in my thinking or drifted back a bit in time as I write of me years ago with my sailor and discovering the true world of love...Two people finding each other.....and may I add...still are...Just have a wonderful life with this young man or another one along the life...I send you all my love....Caroline

C · 05-19-2008 03:54 PM

Please forgive on the above post....I was responding to someone else and now realized my mistake.. This is a first I have ever done this but with getting a lot of letters, this one got away...

I have read your post twice......He could be very bashful and have questions as far as taking the sexual issue with you any farther. Perhaps he does not want to get serious and it is clouding his mind.....The common thing for a woman when she has been aroused is to think of the next sexual encounter. You are completely normal in this...Sexual dreams are a norm and should not disturb you. As for him, bide your time...Have fun and don't pin your hopes on one guy. Give him space and see what happens......Take care, Caroline

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2008 04:46 PM

Would i be guessing correctly then that "he is a Virgin" as well?

There could be a major fear factor there.

You have opened the door to him and let yourself go somewhat, he has tried to give a portion back and then "backed of"...

His calls are less, attention little.

And all the while, your seeking just that little bit more ( or same ) intimacy that you experienced, then of course the usual, kissing, laughing, holding each other.

To me this is what it sounds like and perhaps he's either to shy and scared or is not ready, or wants to go down that road yet and temptation is there...

So, i think you need to put his mind at ease so he can breathe again and let nature takes its course, if its going to, when it's going to...

CW

**confusedgurl** · 05-20-2008 05:23 PM

CarolineWH, that's ok don't worry i've done the same thing before replied to the wrong person. I think your right i haven't phoned him for several days now and tonight he phoned me i was not expecting it, had not heard from him for 8 days this isn't as long as he normally goes without phoning though. Anyway when he phoned he said he wants to come round tomorrow and said he's loads looking forward to it. I wasn't expecting him to say this so i suppose this is good, he's planning to spend the day. Chandlers Wish I'm not really sure about whether he is a virgin or not i've never asked him about past relationships not something i really want to know about. He has had a girlfriend before but i guess by his behaviour with me he has little sexual experience. Yeah i will put his mind at ease if he is worried i will try to talk to him about it. Thanks again for your replies.

**LadyLane** · 05-20-2008 10:57 PM

I'm agreeing with Chandler's Wish... he doesn't give you much affection or attention in the way of phone calls, etc., and that makes the relationship sound like a casual dating relationship to me.

You're very young to be sitting there waiting around for this boy who phones you about every eight days or more. When you're dating someone, once or twice a day seems normal to me, and to see each other as much as possible.

You sound very virtuous, which I think is wonderful, but I'm even surprised to read that after six months of dating you kissed once, and after three months of being back together you french kissed for the first time. Of course a relationship is much more than the physical aspect, but there is something to be said for being attracted to each other and physical affection; it is what differeniates the relationship you two have with any other people. Otherwise, you're just friends.

Try to talk to him about why is he so stand-offish and around so seldom. You say he's shy, but you're his girl. He's got nothing to be shy about now that you're his.

If you are both in love and have limited sexual experience, it's a wonderful thing. You both learn together, and neither of you feels bad about the lack of experience. Embrace the not knowing, and fun!

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