Relationship is being ruined...help me please.

**maggieanne** · 05-27-2008 05:31 PM

I'll quickly remind you of my situation for those of you who may have forgotten and those who are new here..

My boyfriend of 6 months is 27 and a virgin. I'm also a virgin. A few weeks after valentines day this year I bought a corsette which he'd been dying for me to wear while we fool around. We were playing and having a good time and I said wait! So I ran and put it on and things were progressing and then he froze. At the end of a tearful discussion he explained he's been seriously rejected in the past and is terrified of having sex...even though he tells me he wants to and is ready. Now its been three months since that happened and things haven't gotten any better. It has been a total rollercoaster. I've tried everything from being aggressive to relaxed when it comes to our intimacy.

So...this memorial day weekend we went on a rafting/hiking trip with a few of our friends. We stayed in a resort, so we had our own hotel room. All week before the weekend came I was certain to be calm and relaxed and not be overly physical as to save it up for the weekend. He even made several comments through out the week about getting a weekend away together in a sexual manner. The first night we were exhausted so I brushed it off. We still had the next night! The next night we were walking to dinner and he said he was so tired and wanted to go home after dinner, drink a beer and go to bed. I was so angry. I couldn't even control myself. I shot him a look hoping he'd understand that I was hoping for a little alone time to connect with him, but he didn't get it. I told him we had something to talk about after dinner when we got back to the room. It didn't take long for me to get over my anger and remember the reasons why I've been so patient with him the last few weeks. He's amazing. I told him that night that I love him, and then we went to bed. That was the first time I told him I love him. I went to bed with hopes that morning would bring me better luck. We went and sat in the hot tub and then came back to the room and I hopped in the shower, then immediately stepped out and invited him in. He said "what if I don't want to?". I said that's fine, but why?? I was very calm. Just genuinely wanting to know what his problem is. I said are you scared? Embarassed? Not attracted to me? What is it? Again, I was very calm and loving about it. He said he couldn't do it. I took my shower and then waited for him to take his and then we talked. I explained to him that I told him I love him because I want him to know that I'm not in the relationship for sex. I'm in the relationship because of him. But when you take a relationship to the level where you hug and kiss and are attracted to each other...usually people want to do special things (sex) that bond you closer, that's unique to your relationship. He told me he feels like he's never good enough for me and that when these things happen it makes it "weird" and then it makes him not want to do it at all. He says he won't do it because it'll make things weird. That he'll do something wrong and screw up. I was crying and so was he. I love him and am so worried about not being able to get past this. I feel like I may have ruined our chances. We both agree that we don't know what to do to help our problem. I suggested that we take a break. We're not seeing each other this weekend until saturday, when we have a wedding to attend.

I need advice badly. It's not about whether he's attracted to me or not. It's not that he may be seeing someone else. It's that he is so terrified of being intimate with me that it's ruining our relationship. I'm nervous about investing more time and emotion into the relationship and getting hurt. I don't know what to do.....

**SinisterUrge** · 05-27-2008 05:44 PM

too crazy for me. I'd dump him and start looking for someone else.

Yes it shallow, but thats my opinion.

**Little** · 05-27-2008 05:49 PM

SinisterUrge has a point.
There is only one thing you can do, as far as I can tell, and that's be patient. Unless he's still keeping something from you, which I doubt, there's no more that talking or communicating can do. You just have to wait it out.
Maybe he'll never get over it. Maybe he will. You don't know, and in the end, it comes down to MORE patience or just getting out of the relationship.
I wish I could be of more help. Take care, and I hope your patience pays off.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2008 05:51 PM

I feel for both of you there.

It does appear that he is scared. But, what of.. Is he scared that you'll leave after? That he won't be good enough, frightened himself of the outcome...

I know you have said, you've been an agressor and i can see that you are trying there to...

But, how about taking the pressure totally away for a little while, so he stops stressing.. Each time you meet up he is going to feel that you will try again.

Then, out of the blue later, when you are kissing him, touch him there, go down there, sit on him and kiss him, and his ears, neck with your body part close to his and allow both parts to touch slightly only...

Be the agressor in that regard, unfortunately from beginning to end, for your first experience but it may be that he just needs it this way when it happens, kind of like, it's there in front of him not he has to perform and start...

If he cried as well and if he felt rejected before, don't push the issue, don't go to fast.

I know your frustrated, but you have to think of his feelings at the moment as well and the love you obviously both have with each other.

I think if you keep pushing it at the moment you will break up..

And, i know your ready but is he worth waiting longer for?

If so, just leave it alone...

Venture unexpectedly later when he's not thinking you will....

Good luck.

CW

**maggieanne** · 05-27-2008 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I feel for both of you there.

It does appear that he is scared. But, what of.. Is he scared that you'll leave after? That he won't be good enough, frightened himself of the outcome...

I know you have said, you've been an agressor and i can see that you are trying there to...

But, how about taking the pressure totally away for a little while, so he stops stressing.. Each time you meet up he is going to feel that you will try again.

Then, out of the blue later, when you are kissing him, touch him there, go down there, sit on him and kiss him, and his ears, neck with your body part close to his and allow both parts to touch slightly only...

Be the agressor in that regard, unfortunately from beginning to end, for your first experience but it may be that he just needs it this way when it happens, kind of like, it's there in front of him not he has to perform and start...

If he cried as well and if he felt rejected before, don't push the issue, don't go to fast.

I know your frustrated, but you have to think of his feelings at the moment as well and the love you obviously both have with each other.

I think if you keep pushing it at the moment you will break up..

And, i know your ready but is he worth waiting longer for?

If so, just leave it alone...

Venture unexpectedly later when he's not thinking you will....

Good luck.

CW

That's good advice. It's hard to hear things that you don't want to hear, like the others mentioned just breaking up. I wanted to hear that I need to be patient. How can I deal with this on my own? How can I be more patient? See less of him..play hard to get? He's pretty responsive when I play the take-away card. Maybe I need to make him work harder for me?

**vivian19** · 05-27-2008 06:18 PM

i understand he has his reasons for not wanting to have sex, but if you don't get past this its crucial to the relationship cuz ur missing a very fulfilling feeling. Everyone knows that the feeling of being so crazy over eachother, and "can never get enough" is the best feeling in the world at the begining of the relationship. When i lost my virginity to my boyfriend, for the first 3 months we did it every chance we got. We are still all over eachother, yes, and it is now even more amazing, but i must admit i do love the feeling of him always wanting me. Yes, we do not want it to be all about sex, but yet its nice if their always craving you, everyone knows women don't know what they want lol. Well i hope that he gets over his fears cuz i wouldnt want you to miss out on that amazing passionate feeling, like i can't even imagine having to ask my b/f for sex, hes ALWAYS up for it cuz hes always turned on, i think it would actually be a turn on if he said no to me once in a while lol.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2008 06:20 PM

Originally Posted by maggieanne

That's good advice. It's hard to hear things that you don't want to hear, like the others mentioned just breaking up. I wanted to hear that I need to be patient. How can I deal with this on my own? How can I be more patient? See less of him..play hard to get? He's pretty responsive when I play the take-away card. Maybe I need to make him work harder for me?

Actually, someone else felt the same.... (smile) you just read the first line, because the bottom line is those comments were, if you can't cope and handle being patient leave.

Little
There is only one thing you can do, as far as I can tell, and that's be patient. Unless he's still keeping something from you, which I doubt, there's no more that talking or communicating can do. You just have to wait it out.
Maybe he'll never get over it. Maybe he will. You don't know, and in the end, it comes down to MORE patience or just getting out of the relationship.
I wish I could be of more help. Take care, and I hope your patience pays off.

Mmm, how do you be more patient?

Well, if you've decided that then you want to be around him.

Don't stop the kissing etc, how about saying to him, " You know i love you, i told you and it hurt me to see you cry, i know i'm ready but your not, so i won't push it"...

Leave it at that.

First step is to let him feel free of the stress he is under. I think the guys here would say, "stress" with a man can lead to anxiety performance. So, take that away from him.

Don't change, just know in your mind you have to relax a bit on this for a while...

You realise it will be difficult as when you kiss him you will want more.

After a week or two start being cheeky a bit, not dress up, or ask him to hop in the shower, just touch him there laugh, smile whilst he's in jeans and walk away. That's it.

Suggestive only but still playing the i can wait game.

It will confuse him but what i am trying to picture here is making him feel comfortable and aroused, preperation.

Do the kissing on the neck thing, ears, roll over bite your lip, have a great dream but go to sleep... No pressure.

The point i'm trying to make is be seductive, don't make him feel any rejection but on the same accord, make him feel manly.

Sometimes, it turns out it ends up being a woman's role... What can i say?

CW

**maggieanne** · 05-27-2008 06:57 PM

Yes! So long as I can continue to be patient I'll be fine. I should be greatful that things are relaxed as far as that goes. I can focus on other things in life like finishing my degree and earning a promotion. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Thanks CW. I'm off to watch a flick and eat popcorn. Yay!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2008 07:10 PM

LOL....

Hope the movies good, i know the popcorn will be.

And, yes, little bugger, concentrate on that promotion and degree...

We only have one life that belongs to ourselves.

x

**LadyLane** · 05-27-2008 10:26 PM

It sounds like you really are in love. But the problems he has really have to do with him, and not with you.

You're in your late twenties, both virgins, in a relationship of decent length and he has no belief in your relationship, your love, your genuine feelings? I'm not jumping all over him, but I'm thinking of how you're feeling in this also. My heart is breaking for you.

Okay, he's been rejected before. Speaking for myself, I have, and quite rudely, also. It didn't ruin me for life, nor did I let it, even though it stuck in the corner of my mind for a longer period of time than I should have let it. But you're putting your vulnerability out there too, and he's rejecting you on the basis of something that happened with someone who isn't you. Everything you said to him was so heartfelt and honest and true and wonderful, and his reply is that he's not good enough for you? That's not a real answer.

Being patient is good advice, and its what you wanted to hear, and we all want that, of course. But the truth is, you're ready for a step that is a natural culmination of where the two of you are in life and relationship-wise. And he isn't.

So, as an adult being the age he is, there are two things he can do. Go to counseling with you or alone and deal with his issues, fully open up to you about it, or he can lose you. Because if he doesn't confront and process what happened to him in the past, what is happening now is only going to continue to happen in the future.

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