Thread: Please help me to understand him...

Her worse problem will come from searching for the sexual hunger that needs to be filled that she is missing...This is bigger than big...Unless she can bring him around to her high sexuality, this marriage is in deep trouble....You just can't quiet an aching that you know is there and can't itch....TC, C

I truley hope the best for you and if marring this man is going to do it, good for you. I am however, really concerned about the "other problems like communication." I am sorry but communication in a marriage trumps sex hands down. It is very BIG.

Trying to make this short so it won't be a full biography, I do not talk to my father. I haven't talk to him for about a year. My parents have been married for 35 years. And to be short, the communication deminished about 15 to 20 years ago. My father would do things and make decisions with out consulting my mother and not think twice about it. Anytime my mother had a problem with him, it was her problem and not worth the time to talk about it. This wasn't always like this but as time went on their relationship developed like this. Needless to say my mother caught him having an affair about 6 years ago, however she suspects that he had more before than. He lied and denied it until she actually caught them together. My mother started drinking and had 2 anxiety attacks that actually put her in the hospital. She is still with him, she is so co-dependant and too afraid to leave him. She has no self-esteem. She is a wreck and I hate my dad for it. There was this one time when she was drunk and crying to my wife and he saw this. His response to her was "You need to stop! If you keep this up I am going to leave you!" I should have kick his that day, one of my biggest regrets of my life.
Getting to the point. Sex is important. Very important in a relationship but communication is more important. My parents communication started to break down 20 years ago and my father took on a more dominate role and declared certain things weren't important enough to talk about. That's the worse thing to happen, in a marriage, everything is on the table to talk about no matter if it is comfortable or not. Not to say that everything should be talked about immediatley, some things might take time to talk about But, they are talked about.

I am not saying not to marry this guy, that is your decision. However, marriage without communication is a doomed one.

I truely hope the best for you. Good luck.

Hi

Thanks for all your posts, these are all thoughts and doubts that I had before. I did not miss any out. The first thing I wanted to have out of this forum was actually to ask some people out there to help me understand him, (hence the subject title - it is a hard subject to question a man about this, which I tried many times before with little or no success) as I have made up my mind to be with him for life and not whether help me decide I should be with him or not.
I am grateful for your points of view, I wanted to write down my frustrations too.. but yeah, I choose to be with him and will take the good as well as the bad. I know I will be missing on hot sex as described by one of you ... etc but sex is not the MOST important in a relationship. Nobody is perfect, if somebody else can satisfy my sexual desires, he might be a jerk in other things, and that won't work either.
Regarding the communication, yes this was our main problem (in my point of view) but I have 'worked hard' on it, and I must admit that it has improved with him.

I know that I can get somebody else, I am not afraid of ending up single like one of you said. I know that if I cannot be with him, then I would choose to be single for the rest of my life. So I'll take what he has / or hasn't got to offer.
His signs of affection are more into his hugs, caresses, kisses etc and sex is last. And I do get lots of these except the last one.

Now I look forward to my wedding with him. Oh and no, I am not pressurized into this wedding. He actually asked me many times years ago, but I was not ready and even told him he should consider leaving as I am not sure I ever want to get married. I didn't want to make him wait. But I finally felt I wanted to get married...

50 years ago when I married my husband it was not with the thought of the wonderful sexual life we would have...It was because I loved all about him...This added perfection came later in life...We were both so hot for each other but it was the bonding of the two people so alike in their thinking and caring that counted....This we were and eventually perfected this to where we are now..

To the person who presented this thread I would want to make it clear that sex never ruled us...Love did...We never had insurmountable problems from the start....Marriage is rough enough without them..

I wish you well with this marriage...With your confidence you just may be able to move mountains....Love can do that......My best to you, Caroline

Sounds like you have made up your mind then.
I wish you both a very happy life together.

One thing, I feel compelled to ask. Are you sure he is possibly not gay?

I have seen this too happen in a lot of marriages and they start like what you are describing.

Hope that is not the case and is actually something that he will grow into with you (sex, not being gay )

Best Wishes.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

One thing, I feel compelled to ask. Are you sure he is possibly not gay?

I have seen this too happen in a lot of marriages and they start like what you are describing.

Hope that is not the case and is actually something that he will grow into with you (sex, not being gay )

Best Wishes.

Hi

Thanks both for your best wishes.
No, he is definitely not gay. He had lots of female partners before me, and when we watch movies including gay people kissing or more, he is so disgusted and says/shows it. (I don't mind watching, can watch anything. ha!)
The thing is when we met and for the first 3 years, he wasn't like what I described previously. So that's why I feel what I feel now. I do understand that with time, the passion/heat can be less but you can still love etc. However to get rid of sex gradually is quite weird.
Whatever it is, I will do my best to help him. And if he doesn't want help, well, I'll have to cope with this as it is my choice. May be it is I who need help, and he doesn't.

I'll chime in with the rest and ask you not to marry this man, you will be one of the many frustrated sexless couples that form a life of mild misery. You'll be able to live with it, and you might be sort of happy, but you'll have crushed part of what makes you you - which is a terrible thing to do. For everyones sake it's better that you each find people better suited. 3 months of feeling rubbish after a break up is far better than 50 years of growing depression.

As for why he doesn't want it much any more, there are many possible causes... His tastes aren't where yours are, he has some sexual preferences which he feels exclude you. He doesn't like the pressure/stress, if he has enough of that already. As for erectile problems, you're only going to have a strong erection if you want sex and are confident with it, otherwise problems will occur and feed the vicious circle. He might be bored of you, sexually (I didn't say they were all nice reasons, men like variety). Other childhood stuff often causes weird problems with sexual functionality too.