Thread: Please help me to understand him...

Hello

I am new here, I've been pretty desperate to understand my partner. Basically I am very frustrated with my sexual life. I tried to talk to him but to no avail. He takes it as accusations etc, anyway nothing good.
For the first 3 years since I met him, sex was good and regular. We moved in together (after 1 year going out with him) it was still good though we quarelled a lot about other things. Mainly my fault here so I tried and managed to control my temper and now I can talk to him better. Though this side has improved, the sex part has declined drastically.

I know for a fact that he loves me, won't cheat on me etc but he is not interested in sex.
He has actually told me in a discussion we had, that it is kinda waste of time, not important and that he chooses to focus on doing his stuff.
Nowadays he is most of the time, tired and a bit depressed. I would describe him as an old man. (he is only 33 years old) He doesn't want to go out with me either.
I explained to him about the sex issue etc (am really careful about using the correct words etc without seeming like I'm accusing him) but it doesn't work. So I think I can have sex with him only when he wants to. When I initiate it, I get rejected most of the time, which makes me more frustrated. Even when I slightly mention about it, he would say: I feel so tired right now. (which explains to me that he doesn't want sex) So I don't try anymore, but it is unbearable as I have a high sex drive.
Last month was not good at all when we 'try' to make love as he could not have an erection or he was 'soft' so I didn't enjoy it. But when this happens, he doesn't talk about it, he actually ignores the whole thing.
I know that he can be stressed, worried, etc so he can't perform very well, but then, there are still good times so why is he still not so willing to have sex?
I have just bought a kinky outfit, and thought about what scenario to play at the right time , but with time, I feel doubt in my head. what if he doesn't respond and I get blamed again for thinking 'too much' about sex?
I don't understand him, I can be a 'turn-head' when I go out, get compliments from men but however he does not even look at me when I walk naked across the room.

Could it be that he has some kind of problem getting errect and is blaming it on being tired and wanting to focus on other things?? He may be embarrased and blows it off like this to deal with it........That is just one theory...


My husband is a sex freak! lol wants it SOOOO often that I hide from him! lol sorry about that!

If I understood correctly, you are not married.
If not, I would say that’s a big blessing as maybe its time to bail!
From my experience and knowledge with others, this will not improve, only get worse. Sorry!

There are a few if not many possible explanations. Miffy had one of them.
It’s also slightly possible that he has another honey. Or, he is so into his hobbies or whatever he does that it’s taken over. I must say though, as a guy, this is VERY ABNORMAL for a man! I also would say from the limited info I have, it has nothing what so ever to do with you!

On another thread of thought, if he has felt ashamed or put-down as a lover, that can move into his sub-conscience and remove the ability to an erection and sex drive. His sub-conscience would be whispering something to his conscience mind along the lines of: "you don't want anything to do with her sexually as she does not appreciate anything you can do and worse she will only judge and criticize you when it’s over...screw that, lets go play Halo2 instead!"

If you both drink, maybe you could try and get him drunk and talk to him about it and maybe you could get him to open up his inner self and tell you why.

I wish you the best with him!

Also, I would like to add...As you described yourself, you are an absolute treasure to some lucky guy out there! To find a women that loves sex and wants to have everything to do with it is a MASSIVE blessing for any man!
Don't waste it on a man like this, as it is just that, A TOTAL WASTE OF A GIFT for another lucky guy.

Maybe its time to find him and make you both the happiest couple on this blue planet.


Chou.

Obviously this is a big problem, and you are not a priest. So not having sex in a committed relationship is not really an option. Sacraficing an important aspect of your relationship is not fair to you either. So, the only advise I can see here is that he is going to need some professional help. Sex is important to you and you should not feel attacked for wanting it. I know having a serious discussion with someone can be hard but you owe it to yourself to let him know exactly how you feel and that something has to change here. And if he needs counseling so be it.....

I also agree with Hystrom. If nothing changes, you are not going to be happy therefore you need to move on to someone who will make you happy.

Originally Posted by miffed23

Positives: Your man may not be the sexless man that my ex is - it could be medical, as the previous poster said....and heck then youve a whole new problem of getting him to talk.

Hi, Thank you all for your quick replies. I see that the advice here is mainly to 'get rid of him', well, I decided to get married to him... it is happening in 11 days. Yes, despite how I feel about the sex problem, he is too good to be dumped. I do have other problems with him like communication, that my problems for him are like he says 'trivials', but I tend to think in the end that it is just because women and men are different. So lately I have tried to understand men by reading self-books, written by men on men for women, it helped a bit but not for the sex thing. It seems like the books cover most things but show men off as the ones who want sex the most.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

It’s also slightly possible that he has another honey.

That is not possible, I know it for sure, he loves me and I can see it and feel it, obviously except for the sex issue, which I am still trying to understand.
However I would like to add that one time when we did go out (yes we go out very rarely as most of the times he doesn't feel like it or he has other things on his mind so he wouldn't enjoy) I personally felt that he showed me disrespect by teasing the other women, even one of them came up to me and asked if I actually taught him to love all women! I felt and never understood this attitude from him. I talked to him about it but he didn't think he'd done anything bad. Well, it was also a weird period we had together at that time. However I know for sure that he would tease other women but will never cheat on me.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

On another thread of thought, if he has felt ashamed or put-down as a lover, that can move into his sub-conscience and remove the ability to an erection and sex drive.

Well about this issue of not being able to have an erection, it only started a month ago. But when it is him who feels he wants sex, then he can have an erection. If it is me asking, then most likely he will 'fail'.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

His sub-conscience would be whispering something to his conscience mind along the lines of: "you don't want anything to do with her sexually as she does not appreciate anything you can do and worse she will only judge and criticize you when it’s over...screw that, lets go play Halo2 instead!"

Very right here, I blame myself sometimes, may be I nag too much but at times, when I am not happy, I really need to tell, anyway when I try to hide it, he always finds out and makes me talk. Then he will feel unhappy because I sound like accusing him, though I got better at choosing my words now.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

If you both drink, maybe you could try and get him drunk and talk to him about it and maybe you could get him to open up his inner self and tell you why.

It used to work before, not that I 'got' him drunk, he does it willingly and then feels more horny, and we have sex. I also hear endlessly how much he loves me. But now, even that does not really work, just nice still to hear about his love for me.

Originally Posted by Hystorm

Also, I would like to add...As you described yourself, you are an absolute treasure to some lucky guy out there! To find a women that loves sex and wants to have everything to do with it is a MASSIVE blessing for any man!
Don't waste it on a man like this, as it is just that, A TOTAL WASTE OF A GIFT for another lucky guy.

Chou.

Yes I want to try everything, but he doesn't. When I suggest anal or oral, he makes a face like 'eurk'. He says he doesn't like oral, I said that I like giving him oral and would like to receive back, to which he replies that he likes this done to him but can actually do without blow jobs till he dies, and that he doesn't like going down there on me, not for any particular reason, just doesn't like it. May be it is my fault, in the past when I asked him to do it, I didn't feel anything and told him he was doing it wrong but wanted us to practise more. But I think he might have lost the confidence due to my criticism.
Oh, he doesn't like porn either,(what??!!!) I asked him to try watching with me, he did and he said it is disgusting. On my side, I even get turned on by looking at naked women! Though I am straight.
So I tried to make him watch educational movies like the sex guide for example, but he found that disgusting too. On the other hand, he 'doesn't mind' watching kinky movies.

Originally Posted by damd

I know having a serious discussion with someone can be hard but you owe it to yourself to let him know exactly how you feel and that something has to change here. And if he needs counseling so be it.....

I also agree with Hystrom. If nothing changes, you are not going to be happy therefore you need to move on to someone who will make you happy.

I did tell him many times how I felt about this, but got the same answer that I am too focussed on sex, which is not important according to him. That I should look for hobbies instead then I wouldn't think about it. So with me talking about it too often, it diminishes the importance of this issue as for him, it is repetitive and like accusations.
Last big discussion I had, as I got fed up with it, I broke down and cried and said that I have to masturbate more and more now as we have less sex, and I actually don't want to substitute this for sex etc and that I felt ashamed of having to tell him that. He actually responded that time, gave me a hug and said that it does look like an important issue (which I kept telling him for over a year!) and that we will try to sort this out. But he never seemed to make an effort after this discussion. So when I think of sex, I try to push it aside but it is really hard and I do think about sex every day. Sorry, sounds pathetic now.

Well I suppose in the end, I can't really blame him. He is not so interested in sex, and I can't force him. I choose to be with him. I have been with him for nearly 5 years now. It is not easy to stop loving someone and just 'get rid' of him because of this issue, specially an issue which appeared much later, so the feelings have grown very strong and it is too hard to lose all this and lose somebody who really loves you and who you love to death. I will have to live with this, I am still not giving up but am not as stubborn as before.
Thank you for 'listening', it was good to take out my frustrations.

To me this is the perfect example of a woman being afraid of ending up single...She knows that she is not getting what she needs, yet she is accepting what life has to offer....Her choice...

At 2:47 P.M. I got out of bed with my lover..We had just laid down to talk a bit...There the talking progressed to hot passionate sex...The kind that drains you..The kind that soaks through the bedding...The kind not planned but oh, so welcomed....The kind that this woman just may never know...Afterwards I lay on the bed while he cleaned up...I felt the tears flow down the side of my cheek as I thought of all the women in the world that are not experiencing this touch of heaven that I know....I hope that she knows what she is doing....When you find it, you never want to leave it...And you feel for the people that will never know or have known this pleasure and lost it....It was so good that I will write about it tonight....

I wish her well....TC, C

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is such a good idea to marry this man. You may feel you can do without much sex - but over the years it will eat away at you. You will be tempted by other men - and a little voice will tell you that it is OK to cheat since your husband isn't taking care of your needs. You will imagine everyone else having a wonderful passionate sex life - and you will feel cheated, deprived. You will end up resenting him.

He may not ever change - some people just don't seem to have much interest in sex - and I'm not sure there is anything they can do about it - except marry someone with the same lack of interest.

I've been married for almost 25 years now to someone with little interest in sex - and while I love her dearly, I have at times felt all of the above. Sometimes things get a little better (have been for the past month or so), but never great. At this very moment I'm looking out the window of a hotel room at waves crashing on the beach and seacoast rocks. It will be sunset soon, a wonderfully romantic setting. She is dozing on the bed. Soon we will head out to the best dinner spot in the area. But, when we return this evening I'll probably get a good night kiss, and we will go to sleep - nothing more.