Thread: I am new & need sex advice.

First and foremost, welcome to the Forum.

Second, when he is wanting sex and you are not, are you giving him other types of pleasuring, IE ~ Hand Jobs, BJs, etc, or are you just saying...no, I'm not in the mood?

As a man, I can say, going without sex from my wife can be a real drag...not just because I am horny and need something, but because I am missing out on the incredible bonding time between us both. But, when she is not in the mood and instead gives me something just for me...it is ALMOST as good as the real thing!

Or, maybe that will not work at all for him as he want sex with you and not your hand/mouth.

Another thing you can do is just let him pleasure him self with you via doggy style or something similar until you are yourself in the mood.

Best of Luck.

To Chandlers Wish: Yes, everything you described is exactly what I am feeling. I think in the past, I have been confused about sex, simply because I wasn't taught that sex, pre-maritally, was good. Therefore, I got no support & wisdom about my being a woman, a sexual woman at that.

It's a little comforting to know that it's not just me & my age, because I was beginning to think that it was because of me being so young. I think this book I'm reading is helping me a lot. I just wish I could hurry faster, as they say. :] But thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate that.

To Hystorm: Thank you for the welcome. :] I do the best I can to tell my husband that just because I'm not in the mood, doesn't mean that I can't pleasure him. Sometimes this works; sometimes I'll focus on him & that's fine for me. I don't mind. But most of the time, he'd rather not do anything unless he is able to give somethign to me. I think now, especially, things have gotten a bit more complicated because we've been dealing with this for so long with no resolve.

Thank you for the tips, though! The doggy-style thing is a good idea, actually.

I would like to ask you a question though, since it's strictly unbiased: if you wife turned you down for sex, how does that make you feel? What could she do to make you feel okay with the rejection, besides action? What could she say? I think I have the most trouble convincing my husband that it has nothing to do with him... he takes it so personally.

Well, I can tell you that when I am turned down...I feel angry, diss'ed, unloved, uncared for, etc. I am not trying to make you feel bad, honest, just me being truthful.
On the other hand, if the wife were to say something along the lines of: “I would love to have passionate sex with you but my body is not being obedient to my mind right now. Therefore, I would love to pleasure you in any way you would like.”

However, I too see his point. I can honestly say, giving the wife pleasure is as good if not better than getting pleasure myself. Infact, I will go ahead and say, I would take giving her oral or whatever she needs well over me getting anything any day of the week.!
For me if fulfills many facets of being a man to pleasure her. My orgasm is totally second to hers. I can honestly and truthfully say that!
Probably not what you wanted to hear. For me, after X numbers of attempts to have sex with her, I can and do settle for the Doggy style. We do this as I thoughroly enjoy it and she does not get turned on at all from it so she does not need to deal with being turned on suddenly and me being done.
This happened a few times in the past when we had a quickie just for me as she was not in the mood for what ever reason. Did missionary position and when I was done, she was then turned on and had to deal with it quietly.
If she would have told me this, I would have broken my ankles to give her what she needed, but she always kept it to her self back then.

What is the possibility of just biting the bullet and have sex with him, even when you don't want anything to do with sex?
Think of it as just doing a huge favor for him akin to making him breakfast in bed or something. It may actually open doors you did not think existed. Like those afraid of heights that go daily to high places and eventually find they like what they are seeing and feeling, etc.

Best of luck to you!

Chou.

Hystorm: thank you so much for your feedback. You gave me so many things to think about & I will certainly take them into consideration. :]

I think you made some very good points; I think it really is about sacrifice. Sometimes I am willing to make the sacrifice. Actually, in the past, before any of this was an extreme issue, I would give into having sex with him because I felt that it isn't fair for me to withhold something that he thoroughly enjoys. & it worked for a while, until I started feeling a little devalued within myself, when I realized that I am going against the wishes of my own body to please man; something that I did far too many times in my past relationship, thus giving me full reason to view sex as one sided.

Either way, I think it's worth a shot again, especially with reading this book. I have gained so much knowledge about women's sexuality & the stipulations that are often put on them because of society & such. I guess you'd have to read the book to understand what I mean.

Getting off on a tangent now, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to break it down to me. Hearing it from another male's perspective gives me something to chew on for a while. Many thanks. :]

My wife is often not in the mood (though doing better lately ), and I must say that being turned down for sex really hurts. I know that sometimes she just doesn't feel like it, and I certainly don't want her to feel pressured, but being turned down for sex feels like a complete rejection. It can leave me in an irrationally black mood for a day or more.

I would be happy if she would do things for me (hand, mouth, whatever) when she wasn't in the mood - but it isn't somthing I feel I can ask for. I would always be happy to do whatever she wants in bed - whenever she wants.

Questions:
When you do have sex, do you get pleasure out of it? I'm sure he'd be willing to learn if he just isn't doing what you want - but I suspect that isn't the problem.

To me, sex is just a natural result of affection and cuddling, doesn't seem like something that must be considered separate from other forms of affection - but I know that for many people it is different.

Maybe you get out of the habit of sex? You could make an effort to be intimate with him every day for a week, and see if you get into the swing of things. If sex is more common, it might seem less daunting - just be a natural fun thing to do before bedtime.

Is there some other issue confusing things - fear of pregnancy, abuse in your past, confused sexuality?

Also some women (and men) just have a low interest in sex - just seems to be part of their makeup, nothing they can do. But it can be big strain on a relationship.

I'm glad to hear that you are interested in working on it - lack of sex can put a very serious strain on a relationship.

rcoreyus: thank you for your feedback! I do get pleasure out of sex; but I suppose I haven't developed myself sexually as much as my husband has. He was the second person I have ever slept with & needless to say, I haven't really been schooled on sex. Now that I am an adult, I feel like I am having to discover this all by myself (with the help of my husband, of course) & yes, it can feel pretty daunting. I feel a bit of a square; like this should be something that I am born naturally to do. But sex just doesn't come naturally to me. That is partially my fault, because I hold myself back most of the time.

I definitely think that I need to take more initiative, for my husband's sake & for mine. Talking here has made me realize a lot of things. So thank you. :]

Also, I find it a little odd that I've been getting more of a male response than women! Simply because this is "women's health." I guess I just imagined that more girls would comment & be supportive. Not that I'm complaining! I'm glad to have a male's point of view, but still. :]

I guess I should ask, .... Is he attentive to your sexual needs (when you have them)? Does he make an effort to pleasure you, to put you first or is he a 'wham, bam, thank you mam' sort of guy?

Here is something to try simply to blow his mind and help him have a much larger appreciation for you. Next time he takes a shower, dress in your (or his) favorite lingerie and wait for him on the bed when he gets out. (that is assuming you have lingerie, of not...Oh, man do we need to talk!).

He will be blown away by your free thinking and attentiveness to him!
My wife does this on occasion (far too few) and it is usually the best sex we ever have. Its never because she is horney either, it’s always because of something that happened between us or because she is feeling very sweet and giving and wants me to be in the same mood, etc.

Here’s hoping you have nothing but pleasure in your future.