o Everyone! I am in need of some serious advice; I am borderline desperate. I've searched all over the internet to find a safe women's forum where I could discuss sex & such. I've been lurking here for a while & I think I've come to the right place. :]

I think I am most struggling with how to incorporate a healthy sex life in my marriage. I am fairly young & have only been married for 6 months, but I know that my husband's & my sex life isn't as great as it should be. On average, we have sex once every few weeks, sometimes less. The more time passes, the less it happens. I think we've gotten ourselves in such a rut that sex no longer comes natural to us. It's this huge burden & we both argue about it a lot. Some people argue about money, but we argue about sex.

The problem is that my husband's sex drive is relatively high. He is used to having sex several times a week on average (he compares this from past relationships) whereas for me, I feel like my sex drive & sexuality is still developing & it's taking far too long! There are many times were I don't feel like having sex at all; not because of him, but because I'm not in the mood. My husband is a fox; I mean, he is literally the epitome of a male model & I am highly attracted to him... but I think my desire for sex goes deeper than that. Sometimes I shy away from sex because I don't feel ready to engage in something that can leave me feeling very emotionally vulnerable. (My last relationship did a number on me, we'll just leave it at that.) Sometimes the whole overwhelming feeling of sex -- it's such an amazing act of love & sacrifice, for me -- can just scare me away from it completely. I don't know how to describe it any further than that.

I've tried reading books to help educate me on female sexuality (I'm reading an amazing book now, called "For Yourself" by Lonnie Garfield Barbach, which has helped a lot already), we've been to couples therapy for this, I'm still seeing my personal therapist about this & I keep going back to the resolution that "this will take time; give it time." But I don't think that is enough to convince my husband. He is really hurting that we don't make love often. No matter what I tell him, he feels like it's a personal attack on him by me rejecting him. He feels like I am not attracted to him, or that he isn't doing something right, or that he's not a good lover. I persist that it's none of the above; that it's ME needing to develop my sexual desire more, based on self-confidence & education, but it's not enough.

I am at my wit's end! I don't know what to do. I feel caught in the middle of my own emotions & my husband's discontentment. If this goes on any longer, I think it'll do some irreparable damage to my very new marriage.

Do any of you ladies have any suggestions on how to make this better? Any personal stories you'd like to share about your personal experience when it comes to developing your own sexuality? I'm so desperate for ideas, tips, anything! I just want me & my husband to have a normal sex life. I don't want anymore resentment to build in between us.

I truly hope all of this made sense. If there needs to be any clarification, I am more than willing to give more details. I'm just new here, so I didn't want to flood the board with a terribly long novel. :]

Thank you so much for reading. I look forward to some much needed wisdom.

Oops, I meant to say o Everyone! I don't know why that messed up. ;/

I think that past situations can cloud our judgement on what "sex" is.

If you gave your emotions, let yourself go, was taken for granted, it's a mental issue and hurdle to then jump over, in a new relationship...

You want to give, but you don't want to just be a "sex object"..

Therefore, you have no desire or interest.

Is this what you are feeling?

The other thing i feel is a lot of guys really don't know much themselves about a woman, her body, her mind and how to bring her out of herself..

They see sex as exactly that. It's a pleasure makes them feel good, your their partner.

There is a lot more to it, if you want it to be connected, special, emotional and where your body is wanting it all the time, where you walk daily in a state of sensuality because you are a sexual person... WITH pride and love, respect for yourself and your partner.

Some people feel that women only feel like this as they age, i personally believe if i look at history pertaining to me personally, different scenarios, it's about whom your with and where they let you go, but with full trust and knowing that, that is okay..AND that can happen at any age.. pending on your mindset, of course, and experience..

It does sound that you've been hurt and that you view sex as sex...

You need to see yourself as a sexual person, sensual person and explore yourself and your relationship, your married. You can go where ever you want to go within that world, knowing your safe and it's okay.

If you change your mind set on the word sex, to making love, with emotions and letting go then your whole sexual life will be totally different..

CW

First and foremost, welcome to the Forum.

Second, when he is wanting sex and you are not, are you giving him other types of pleasuring, IE ~ Hand Jobs, BJs, etc, or are you just saying...no, I'm not in the mood?

As a man, I can say, going without sex from my wife can be a real drag...not just because I am horny and need something, but because I am missing out on the incredible bonding time between us both. But, when she is not in the mood and instead gives me something just for me...it is ALMOST as good as the real thing!

Or, maybe that will not work at all for him as he want sex with you and not your hand/mouth.

Another thing you can do is just let him pleasure him self with you via doggy style or something similar until you are yourself in the mood.

Best of Luck.

To Chandlers Wish: Yes, everything you described is exactly what I am feeling. I think in the past, I have been confused about sex, simply because I wasn't taught that sex, pre-maritally, was good. Therefore, I got no support & wisdom about my being a woman, a sexual woman at that.

It's a little comforting to know that it's not just me & my age, because I was beginning to think that it was because of me being so young. I think this book I'm reading is helping me a lot. I just wish I could hurry faster, as they say. :] But thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate that.

To Hystorm: Thank you for the welcome. :] I do the best I can to tell my husband that just because I'm not in the mood, doesn't mean that I can't pleasure him. Sometimes this works; sometimes I'll focus on him & that's fine for me. I don't mind. But most of the time, he'd rather not do anything unless he is able to give somethign to me. I think now, especially, things have gotten a bit more complicated because we've been dealing with this for so long with no resolve.

Thank you for the tips, though! The doggy-style thing is a good idea, actually.

I would like to ask you a question though, since it's strictly unbiased: if you wife turned you down for sex, how does that make you feel? What could she do to make you feel okay with the rejection, besides action? What could she say? I think I have the most trouble convincing my husband that it has nothing to do with him... he takes it so personally.

Well, I can tell you that when I am turned down...I feel angry, diss'ed, unloved, uncared for, etc. I am not trying to make you feel bad, honest, just me being truthful.
On the other hand, if the wife were to say something along the lines of: “I would love to have passionate sex with you but my body is not being obedient to my mind right now. Therefore, I would love to pleasure you in any way you would like.”

However, I too see his point. I can honestly say, giving the wife pleasure is as good if not better than getting pleasure myself. Infact, I will go ahead and say, I would take giving her oral or whatever she needs well over me getting anything any day of the week.!
For me if fulfills many facets of being a man to pleasure her. My orgasm is totally second to hers. I can honestly and truthfully say that!
Probably not what you wanted to hear. For me, after X numbers of attempts to have sex with her, I can and do settle for the Doggy style. We do this as I thoughroly enjoy it and she does not get turned on at all from it so she does not need to deal with being turned on suddenly and me being done.
This happened a few times in the past when we had a quickie just for me as she was not in the mood for what ever reason. Did missionary position and when I was done, she was then turned on and had to deal with it quietly.
If she would have told me this, I would have broken my ankles to give her what she needed, but she always kept it to her self back then.

What is the possibility of just biting the bullet and have sex with him, even when you don't want anything to do with sex?
Think of it as just doing a huge favor for him akin to making him breakfast in bed or something. It may actually open doors you did not think existed. Like those afraid of heights that go daily to high places and eventually find they like what they are seeing and feeling, etc.

Best of luck to you!

Chou.

Hystorm: thank you so much for your feedback. You gave me so many things to think about & I will certainly take them into consideration. :]

I think you made some very good points; I think it really is about sacrifice. Sometimes I am willing to make the sacrifice. Actually, in the past, before any of this was an extreme issue, I would give into having sex with him because I felt that it isn't fair for me to withhold something that he thoroughly enjoys. & it worked for a while, until I started feeling a little devalued within myself, when I realized that I am going against the wishes of my own body to please man; something that I did far too many times in my past relationship, thus giving me full reason to view sex as one sided.

Either way, I think it's worth a shot again, especially with reading this book. I have gained so much knowledge about women's sexuality & the stipulations that are often put on them because of society & such. I guess you'd have to read the book to understand what I mean.

Getting off on a tangent now, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to break it down to me. Hearing it from another male's perspective gives me something to chew on for a while. Many thanks. :]