Thread: Am I a bad wife?

You're very right about that...I have turned into a fuddy duddy...and that's one thing I agree with him about. I need to act my age...but I'm not sending him nude pictures of me while he's at work. That's inappropriate to me. Besides, I'd have to lock myself up somewhere from the kids to do that....that would be weird.

I really do enjoy sex with him...it's not that I don't like it. I mainly just wanted to know if I was being a "prude" (his word) or if he is being sex crazed. I don't have anyone to talk to about how much sex is normal...I thought we were doing okay until the whole nanny thing came up. Anyway I'm going to see a doctor next week and hopefully she'll be able to give me some more advice...

Thanks again everyone

Originally Posted by JessB

My husband and I have 2 small children (3 and 1) and I'm a stay at home mom. He works offshore and is gone for 3 weeks at a time. That means I take care of the kids by myself for 3 whole weeks! I don't have much family around to help me with them...but that's beside the point. When he comes home he wants me to devote all my free time to him sexually. I understand he's been without sex for 3 weeks but for the past few years my libido has slowed down quite a bit, I'll admit that, but as soon as the kids are in bed I'd like a little quiet time to myself to do what I want to do. We do have sex at least 2 times a week though...it's just not enough for him. He thinks I'm not attracted to him and that I only have sex with him because I feel obligaged to. He's very sexy and I tell him all the time! He wants our sex life to be like it was when we were 18 and 19...but I just don't have energy for that.

Anyway he really blew me away a few months ago by telling me he wanted to hire a "nanny" to take care of the kids and to satisfy him sexually so I could do whatever I want to do. I think he was sort of joking...but he's mentioned it several times. It sounds like he wants to replace me...? He's also admitted that it's hard to be faithful to me...and that he thinks I've "let my body go." I'm a size 6 so I don't really see what he's talking about..he also wants me to have my breasts lifted. UGH!

On the nanny thing... I can kind of understand where he is coming from if you are turning him down for sex and telling him you want time for you and are tired after taking care of the kids all day every day. If you had a nanny, it would take some of the pressure of dealing with the kids 24/7 by yourself and give you the time you want to do what you want while your husband is away. Then, you might be more rested and less inclined to turn him down when he is home as you have had some time to do whatever you want. The way it comes across to me is not that he wants to replace you but he wants to relieve you some so you do get the time to do whatever you want.

As far as the letting yourself go and wanting you to have augmentation and all that... dont know what to tell you there. Maybe he is just trying to goad you into bending to his will. Either way, him saying things like that are just hurtful and mean.

Sex should never be used as a weapon.

Sounds like you are in a vicious cycle. He's frustrated that he isn't getting enough sex and you are frustrated because he's spending too much. Issues that you have with each other will definitely lead to problems in the bedroom, making satisfaction even more difficult to achieve.

Personally, I would have put my foot down at the surgical procedures suggestion. That is too much. The nanny joke was bad enough. I think it might have even been a half-truth.

What is sounds like to me is you two were married at too young of an age and had too many kids in too short of a time span. Now you both need to compromise.

Sure, perhaps he didn't get enough time to "live a little", but he needs to deal with the consequences of his sperm. I have done much research on married life and children because I don't want to end up tired out and spent like my sisters are. I have already informed my fiancee that if we have more than one child, more than likely we will need to set "appointments", if I may, to have sex. I know this sounds silly, but just waiting for "the right moment" will more than likely end in tragedy and sadness for all. Maybe you could talk to him about a time line such as -- the kids go to bed, you have a cup of relaxing tea and talk for a bit, or have a relaxing bath together, then sexy sexy time starts up. Remember, quality over quantity. Penetration doesn't have to be the end all. Depending on the couple, the time can be more or less stringent.

I suggest letting him know that what he says hurts your feelings and that those comments make it difficult for you to become aroused in the bedroom. Also, on the flip side, ask if there is anything besides the lack of sex that is bothering him. Communication without aggravation is the key. I don't suggest asking him what he will do to change for you. This may make complete sense to a woman, but men just don't get it sometimes. Changing for someone else never works; only changing for yourself can make a real difference.

I believe counseling would be a good idea. Him being so opposed to it is definitely a sign of disaster on the horizon. Don't go behind his back to the therapist, that will just make things worse.

The answer to your original question: No, I don't think you are a bad wife. Having sex is never an obligation, no matter your marital status. But--not sexually satisfying your husband enough will make it difficult for weaker men to stay faithful, not that being weak is an excuse.

Honestly, the only easy fix to this situation is to switch places so he can know what it's like to take care of the children by himself for so long and for you to make all that money and have someone nag at you for spending too much of it.

But I'm guessing that's not a plausible idea.