Thread: Am I a bad wife?

My husband and I have 2 small children (3 and 1) and I'm a stay at home mom. He works offshore and is gone for 3 weeks at a time. That means I take care of the kids by myself for 3 whole weeks! I don't have much family around to help me with them...but that's beside the point. When he comes home he wants me to devote all my free time to him sexually. I understand he's been without sex for 3 weeks but for the past few years my libido has slowed down quite a bit, I'll admit that, but as soon as the kids are in bed I'd like a little quiet time to myself to do what I want to do. We do have sex at least 2 times a week though...it's just not enough for him. He thinks I'm not attracted to him and that I only have sex with him because I feel obligaged to. He's very sexy and I tell him all the time! He wants our sex life to be like it was when we were 18 and 19...but I just don't have energy for that.

Anyway he really blew me away a few months ago by telling me he wanted to hire a "nanny" to take care of the kids and to satisfy him sexually so I could do whatever I want to do. I think he was sort of joking...but he's mentioned it several times. It sounds like he wants to replace me...? He's also admitted that it's hard to be faithful to me...and that he thinks I've "let my body go." I'm a size 6 so I don't really see what he's talking about..he also wants me to have my breasts lifted. UGH!

I need advice....I'm 25 and he's 26..we've been together for 8 years now so I think he's just getting tired of me...it's very depressing because I don't want our family to fall apart but I think I'm married to a jerk! I need other people's opinion.

If he is joking it is a pretty bad joke and if he is serious then yes he sounds like a bit of a jerk, sorry.

My partner works away 4 weeks on 4 weeks off and when he comes home we can't keep our hands off each other but we have only been together 2 yrs. If you don't feel like it there are things you can do to increase your drive ie: him not preasuring you, being more tender, not making it all about the sex but also the romance, finding things that make you feel sexier) but him making you feel bad and saying the things he is is not going to make you want to jump into bed with him.

Talk to him calmly about how his comments are making you feel. let him know that when he comes home you still have all the things you usually need to do to still do and can't just focus on him. Find special moments that can just be about the two of you, if you can manage this after his comments, but make it clear that these are not just sex moments but also doing other stuff together you enjoy.

Let us know how you go or even if you just want to use this sight to vent your feelings, it can be good for that.

Good Luck. tt

Boy a lot of things in this letter.
If you are 25, there is no reason you should have lower sex drive, or energy than when you were 18. Maybe something else has reduced you interest in sex?

His comments on hiring a "nanny", are completely inappropriate - maybe just a joke in bad taste - maybe a sort of threat - in any case not a good thing to hear.

His saying you have "let your body go" is also completely inappropriate - even if it were true, and it sounds like it isn't. Suggesting plastic surgery is outrageous as well.

FWIW - I've known my wife for 27 years now and find her every bit as attractive as when we were 18. I'm sure an objective eye would see that she has aged, but my eye isn't objective, and I just see the woman I love.

Maybe he doesn't understand how much work it is to take care of children and the house? Maybe if he helped out at home you would have more energy for him?

Ok, I'm babbling - Here is what I think:

Sex is important in marriage - you should try to be available for him.

But - if he is complaining about your body, and talking about hiring a "nanny" than he is a jerk.

When he is home he should help more with the kids and house.


Wish I had a suggestion for what you should do though...

I understand I should meet him in the middle and he would love more BJs believe me...but this man gets everything he wants. He has a spending problem and buys expensive stuff for himself ALL the time while I try to save money. I took away his credit card because in 1 month he racked up over $1,000! I know that has nothing to do with our sex life but it makes me angry with him because he seems to get whatever he wants even if I demand he not buy something..he'll do it anyway. I figure the least I could do is deny him a few BJs. That sounds so mean but you guys don't understand...I feel I'm the only one who's a parent in this family and it puts so much pressure on me.

He didn't even get me a mother's day card this year....and last year he almost forgot my birthday! I don't get flowers...don't get cards...don't get gifts. While he buys himself an electronic drumset, a Harley, expensive guitars, and just a few weeks ago he told me he's buying a car from a friend of his. He already has a new truck!

Anyway about our sexual realtionship....I feel like he's my 3rd child that I have to "take care of" and it makes me not even want to pleasure him because he's so selfish...and believe me I've addressed all this to him recently...that's when he told me he was unhappy with me too because he feels I've turned into a nun and I've let my body go...

Yea, you have a real winner there!
My wife went through the same thing with me actually. Although, I was not that bad but at times she too said I was her 4th child. I spent more than I should, but not on items, mostly on lunches, etc. She wanted me to take sack lunches so not even close to your situation but I can totally see where you are coming from.

Not even slightly sure what to suggest to you on this situation. I know I have used the same tactic of trying to get my wife to be more interested in sex by saying things like...I find myself looking at other girls when I go to long without, etc. But, nothing even close to your man.

I wish you the best of luck with this one.

I think there's quite a lot of issues going on here.

Ok, for a start, a 26 year old will want sex, he will feel like if he has a woman in his life that cannot/will not satisfy him, he's doing himself a disservice. We can talk down sex all we want, but at the end of the day it's our core programming, and something without which it is difficult to be content and happy. You are 25, which honestly means that you're sex drive should be accelerating the closer to 30 you get, however it seems like because of issues within the relationship, there is resentment and you do only have sex with him because you feel obligated, and I can tell you from first hand experience that is a really bad feeling, and makes sex practically impossible to enjoy. Being a mother and having stress will take it's toll on your sexuality, and in a way that's something you need to sort out from yourself, I think that it's half those factors and half the fact that you don't like your relationship which is distancing you from this physical intimacy.

Onto the factors of your relationship... I'm guessing he works hard, he is away for weeks at a time making money for the family and himself. So, assuming he's been slogging his guts out at work for three weeks, comes home, doesn't get sexually satisfied, has a wife that is resentful and will not let him spend the money that he himself earnt to try and make himself happy (I mean, depending on the purchase; demanding that he doesn't buy something when he makes the money? Dodgy ground). Now, using sex as a weapon is always a bad thing, it never helps anything, just feeds your want for vengeance over whatever it is that he's done lately to hurt you. Denying sex will damage your relationship seriously, that said, having sex because you feel obligated will have the same effect.

As for telling him you think he's sexy, it's just not enough. The sex was really suffering in my last relationship, and my ex would always tell me how hunky/sexy/gorgeous I was, but they become completely hollow words if there's no lust to back them up, and if anything become a reminder of how much you'd like someone to mean it when they say it.

Now that I've slated you enough, examples of his behaviour are also rather bad. Suggesting getting a "nanny" is a bad joke, possible a threat, but mainly just that you joke about things that are true and affect you. It's an example of the frustration that he's feeling in this relationship. But nonetheless, will not help at all.

Suggesting surgery is a complete no-no for me, I find that completely vulgar, and, well, I'd be rather angry.

He needs to have more respect for what you do and the tolls it takes, participate in looking after the children etc etc.

A lot of his actions as a jerk are probably reactions to the way in which your relationship has been suffering, so what you might see as a jerk might be someone who's just getting exasperated and acting out a bit, to try and hurt you as he is feeling. If the relationship was healthier, you might not think he's a jerk...

Basically, if he has no place in this relationship any more, which it sounds like from what you've written, he feels like he wins the bread for a family that maybe doesn't appreciate him, his position in your life has disappeared or taken several steps for the worse. When you've got some free time from the children you want to do what you want to do, and that isn't sex. You basically just said that you don't want sex. That doesn't make any man happy.

The only real solution I can see is you getting back in touch with your sexuality, trying to not only raise your children but have a will to maintain your relationship with this man, as he is important too. You forcing yourself to have sex against your wishes to maintain the status quo will achieve nothing. You both need to change your attitudes and behaviour.

Or, you need to decide if there isn't really a relationship and what you are doing is soley for the sake of the children, and if that's the case adapt the emphasis of your relationship accordingly.

Thanks everyone for your advice and input...it really has given me much to think about. I really do love him very much and I want our relationship to work...and not just because of the kids.

I know he works very hard and that's why I've kept my mouth shut about most of these purchases...until recently. I just can't take it anymore...the purchases that is. I also understand he makes the money so he should be able to spend it how he likes...but enough is enough! Does he really need a new guitar every few months? I'd like to have some more furniture for house...and he knows that. I'd also like to go on a family vacation...but we never have any extra money because of his credit card bills.

I know I'm ranting about money problems so I'll shut up about that...I just don't think that us having more sex will solve all of our problems. I've suggested marriage counseling but that completely freaked him out and he got mad with me. Now because I've told him how I feel about him (spending, not listening to me) he said he wants to take the kids to see his uncle for a few weeks when he gets off work. He even said he'd leave the same day he got home from work. He tries to avoid talking about our problems...and I've even asked him what kind of changes he's going to make for me...and he won't answer me! I'm willing to change for him...I'm going to be less conservative (he calls me "Stewart Little" as in Martha Stewart) and I even suggested getting a tattoo! He just wants me to loosen up...which I think is a good idea..but I'm NOT sending him naked pictures of me over the phone (he always begs me to do that and gets extremely upset when I refuse). I just feel some of the stuff he wants from me is inappropriate....

I want him to grow up and he wants me to act younger!

Well I've got a lot to think about...I hope he is willing to make some changes for me

It sounds like he's got some life left in him, and you've become an old fuddy duddy. You think that him wanting some sort of sexuality from you is inappropriate? In fact it's entirely appropriate. Apparently (I'm not a woman and I've never had kids), it's a phase many mothers go through, where they feel they exist only for the children at the cost of their sex lives and relationships, as a "mother" cannot be a sexual creature.

This is a problem.