HateSex

We've been married 16 years. I did all kinds of sexual things to him multiple times a day for the first year or so. Then he said to back off. I guess I did - because for the rest of the 15 years, I can't even seem to be interested. It's tapered down so low that we can go 3 months without interest. But I don't have regular hormones. Even as a teen, I never dreamt of sex much. I never cared much of having thought of it. I am absolutely turned off by naked people - period!

The idea of naked body parts turns me off. If we have sex and I think of being with my husband, I lose interest. I've tried to think of other guys - you know, fantasize, and it turns me off for weeks.

I'm not lesbian - that turns me off even more.

Are there real reasons why? Do some people just grow and are not interested in sex? We have fought over this so many times. I don't like sexual talk - it makes me very uptight, uncomfortable and angry. There's about one day every 4-6 months where I feel chemically different and at that time, I can be all over my husband - but I really dislike that day. I feel very out of control, very easy, like my brain just goes . But the rest of the time, I just want my husband to be around with me, to be my friend and to laugh and enjoy life. But everytime we are like that, he gets turned on and I'm pressured for sex. So I find myself not even wanting to be around him because it always has to end up in sex.

It's about ruined our marriage. For me, sex is the last thing in my life. It's about as interesting and routine as brushing my teeth or taking a bathroom break. I really don't understand what all the hype is. People make it out to be this game - we stress over it, we struggle to make it fun and interesting. If it is naturally not interesting, like so many other things in life, why is there so much pressure to dress it up? To make it happen?

I clearly know that I like myself the least when naked. I feel out of control, helpless, fragile, and my system more or less shuts down.

To add to all of this - when my husband plays with my nipples, it is very incredibly irritating. Not like the irritating in the sense that he is touching me and I don't want him to - but like the irritating of barbed wire poking you in the same spot all day. We used to have tons of sex and it was a high. But that was so long ago. Additionally, when he is inside, I can't feel him there anymore like i used to. He can almost fist me and I can hardly tell he is there. I know his hands and penis are physically touching me but that is all I can feel. If I experienced some wierd nerve trauma during my last childbirth, how can a doctor tell? What can possibly be done for this?

I've given him blowjobs but I don't feel good doing that - I don't like the cheap feeling. It doesn't make me feel good to please him sexually at all and hasn't for several years - more or less since when he told me the newlywed stage was over and to slow it down. I know I have a very very hard time staying focused on the sex once we get going these days. If he's not right on me taking care of me, I'm off in left field thinking of what tomorrow holds. He may as well not even be there at that point. Note, our sex life 99% of the time is in the house in our bed - no music, no nothing. He pokes me or I am on top, then he sleeps and it's done. *yaawwwwnn

Yet, when he asks for ideas, I really have none. I can't come up with ideas right as we are having sex. It just doesn't work for me. When I come up with ideas elsewhere, outside the home, he is usually not interested. We really have no sex soul.

I've soul searched to figure out why I have such issues with it but I really don't know what it could be. I don't know if it is a medical issue, a friendship/relationship thing, or if I am just unhappy where I am in life and need to get away.

We both work good jobs and are doing well financially but I feel very disconnected from my home and feel very out of place here these days. I know his approach to sex bothers me a lot (bores me to death, actually), and that everytime we try to talk about it, we argue and move farther away.

I'm considering leaving. Life is too short to not even have a friendship simply because of a lack of sex.

Not sure what to do.

talk time

It is natural for him to want to have sex, most people do at least some of the time. That is not meant as a critisism of you just an observation.

What is it that you are asking for in this thread? Do you want to feel more sexual and get ideas or are you wanting to see if others feel similarly. I think it is natural for sex to become less of a prioity in a long term relationship if it is not maintained but it doesn't have to be.

Do you know where your dislike for nakedness and sex in general is comming from.

You say that you come up with ideas sometimes but not when you are having sex so maybe keep hold of these for those times and express them then.

Good luck. tt

HateSex

I guess, what I am seeking is to know whether others out there feel the same way. My sex drive was high when I first married - but outside of that it really never has been. During the excited part, I was anxious to please him and make him feel good and to be a part of his life. I don't view sex at all that way anymore.

My sister suggested a sex therapist. Maybe I ought to try it. I just can't figure why I feel the way I do. I can fantasize about him all day long and that is like the best part. When I get to the real deal, I just simply am not interested. Sort of like all the complaints about guys and their porn interests in a way, I suppose.

I see all of these actions. When we talk about them, he doesn't see them as fun, interesting or exciting. Strangely, what turns me on has very very little to do with being naked or touching the naked body. I can be fully clothed and turned on only to get naked and immediately turn off. So I am trying to grasp why that is. It's kind of like dreaming of the monster hot fudge sundae on the hot, sunny day only to get to the ice cream store and be so hot that the hunger pangs disappear.

Silly analogy, I know. But that is how I feel. When I mention some crazy fantasy like swinging on a rope over a lake together and rolling around in the grass, it sounds great until I picture us naked. Then I feel very stressed and turned off.

It's all very odd to me.

Apparently, I'm the only one out there that feels this way.

I'm seeking reasons why I don't have the "natural drive" although I can run pretty wild in my mind - yet what is driving me wild probably wouldn't turn on even the horniest of men.

I'm seeking a way to take what I AM interested in and making it work with my husband who is nearly on the opposite end of the spectrum. When my ideas come out of my mouth, he is turned off - when his ideas come out of his mouth, I am turned off.

CHANDLERS WISH

You sound like two people.

One whom wants to come out of a "closet" of sorts.

And, two, someone whom views intimacy as simply "sex" and nakedness as "dirty, ugly, unattrractive"...

It could be stemming from the way you were bought up to view sex, but when you got with your husband, it was all "honeymoon" stages, so it was exciting and you therefore allowed other thoughts to enter your mind, which have long gone.

I imagine your husband is too scared to include intimacy and therefore, he "pokes" or you get on top, over, yawwwnnnn.... I am sure that he would love to embrase you, kiss you, and explore.

You very well may need to see a sex therapist to understand why you feel so "dirty" over the word sex, and consequently, the body naked.

I don't think any woman likes "sex" that is wham bam, thanks, got my jollies. It tends to just end up feeling like "sex" and therefore, "used" just as much as a man would feel the same.

But intimacy is totally different and if you can work towards getting yourself to that level, then you would see a different side to the word "sex", it is great to work on different ways, etc, but you have to "like the basics" first to want to explore.......

With "sex" as it is at present, why not wear a dress, no panties, bras and ask him to leave your dress on, and get out of the bedroom, try something different see, if it brings back memories, whilst still feeling clothes and ask him not to show himself, ie) bending over a lounge, him kissing your neck first, etc, you can't see him naked then.

Anything is worth a try.

You are not going to find easily a man whom simply wants friendship and no sex, all most an impossibility...

CW

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Hystorm

Or, you have some real issues stemming from something that happened between you both. Might not even be sex related, but something that happend between you and your husband that has sub-consciencely turned you off.
If you were to fantasize about being with another man, and you bring into the picture you both naked then hacing sex, does it turn off then?

rainy68

i had this with my husband when we met it was great but slowly it turned to hating sex completely
i hated being close and i hated him touching me. but i can pin point how it all happened he hated my daughter was abusive with her physically, and nothing i could do would make us the happy family i wanted, slowy and surely the abuse and the bulling to my self turned to hating him and everything to do with him..

but i guess this is a major different story cos i do like sex i met another guy two years after i left my husband.

it not good for either party when sex becomes a big big issue, i had to leave sometimes i think you have to reevalueate what you have...

if you can pin point the problem to how you ended up this way you may be able to take steps to put it right, in my case abuse it cannot be put right lots of damage was done. but if we had just lost our way feelings had been lost due to busy life styles or what ever, sometimes if you think back to what turned us on in the first place what we liked about this person, re inact the first meeting i heard this can sometimes remind us of what we once had.

but like i say it a case of looking deeply into whats happening. there a lot to this story i feel so i can only comment on what i have wether it relevant or not, i hope you sort this out good luck