Well, so my BF has no problem getting an erection, and can usually keep it up pretty well during foreplay, though it has a tendency to go soft as soon as it's not being stimulated. The problem comes during actual intercourse, where a great deal of the time I can feel him getting soft halfway through, and then he pulls out and has me touch him for a while to get him hard again. Sometimes he just can't get really get hard again and gives up. I don't want to embarass him or make him feel like less of a man so I have not really brought this up. The only explanation I have heard is that sometimes he is "tired" but it seems like a bigger problem. We have only been dating 4 1/2 months so I would like to think things have not gotten boring or routine in bed yet... and he always says I am beautiful and he is very attracted to me, but I can't help but feel that I turn him off and this is why he loses his erection. Not only must this be frustrating for him but it is for me too, because I feel like I am causing it somehow, and it kind of takes me out of the mood for sex as soon as I feel it getting soft inside me. What can he or I do to alleviate this problem?
I know it is not condom related since we do not use condoms (I am on the pill.)
Well, until I read the last line I was going to say condoms... but....
It can be any number of things, stress, tiredness and previous failed attempts that damage the sexual ego.. blah blah. Anyway, I can garuntee that he feels worse about it than you do and if you treat yourself like a victim the problem will only get worse.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with breaking up the sex a bit with a little oral. Take the pressure off him, as that's probably what's causing the problem.
I'm just being honest here, I'm not going to "treat myself like a victim" in front of him. Of course it is going to be more frustrating for him but it's about both of us, not just him or just me.
I don't have a problem with stopping sex for a little while to get him hard again but I can't help wondering the whole time why it is that he can't stay hard inside me. The "tiredness" thing only works in circumstances when he is actually tired... half the time he is not. Last night we had sex for the first time in almost a week. I don't know if he masturbates in between (don't really care) so I don't know how long it was since he had an orgasm or sexual stimulation, but he seemed pretty eager to do it last night so I was surprised when he got soft so easily. I can understand it when we've been having a lot of sex or it is a hard night when he is tired or worried about something... but last night everything seemed great. I don't really know what I can do to help. Physically he is a healthy guy, not overweight, no diabetes or other health issues...
My DH had ed/impotence issues from the Blood pressure meds he took. He also had sex drive problems due to male hormone problems. Its very common that men have sexual health issues but its never "normal" If he can't keep erect in the middle of sex you should talk to him about this. He is probably mortified that he can't function and might be afraid to say anything to anyone. Assure him that he is not alone. Millions of men have this issue. If he had a regular doctor talk to him/her about this and ask them to find the cause. There are lots of solutions and trust me. Having a man with a rock hard erection that doesn't poop out in the middle of sex is way better then what your describing. If he is willing go with him to the doctors so you can say some of the stuff that he will find embaressing. "is sex ok" The typical guy won't EVERY say "no, because my penis goes flacid in the middle of lovemaking" Its just too hard for them to admit.
Remember its probably medical. Its probably minor but... It could be really serious stuff like undiagnosed diabetes or ??? You need to find out what it is asap.
p.s. a couple of links that might be of value Google them they helped us...
and a yahoo group called Support ED partners.
Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 07-28-2008 at 06:35 PM.
Reason: outbound links not allowed
What would be the best way to bring this up in a sensitive way? I do NOT want to make him feel bad about himself or like he cannot please me. I don't want him to take any hit to his self-esteem. I really care about him and I don't want to make him feel bad in any way. But I do think this is an issue that could benefit from some discussion and maybe he can tell me things I can do to help him keep an erection for longer. I do know that he is on one medication (Ritalin) which I don't think as any sexual side effects from the small amount of research that I did. The problem is though, he doesn't know that I know he is on it... (I came across his Rx by accident once.) And that is his own business if he wants to talk about that or not.
I don't want to just bring it up one day like "Hmm, honey, you know how you have trouble staying hard during sex..." because that will make him feel bad. I don't know how to approach it really...
Does he only loose his erection during sex? Can he stay hard for a long time if you are doing oral, or manual stimulation? (Trying to undersatand if it is a physical problem).
If he is physically capable of staying hard, maybe you can find out what sort of thigns he likes by discussing fantasies, role playing, etc. Maybe some minor changes in what you do would make it more exciting for him.
If it is a physical problem, then he may need medical assistance.
If you think he is stressed by this, maybe you can ask him to pleasure you in other ways for a while - take some of the pressure off.
It seems that he is capable of staying hard during foreplay, oral, manual stimulation, etc. He will sometimes lose his erection quickly as soon as stimulation stops but I can't recall a time when he went soft while I was giving him oral or using my hands. Sometimes if I don't want to have sex but he does I will just give him manual stimulation until he comes and he never has a problem with that and doesn't so soft. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this can be caused by excessive masturbation during the early sexual years? I don't know his total sexual history but from what I understand he was a virgin through high school and since then has not gotten laid very often. So I wonder sometimes if he had just habituated himself to the kind of stimulation a hand provides. I would be curious to know if he had this same problem with previous girlfriends though, because if it is just me, then something must be wrong between us...
Yeah, you get used to certain kinds of stimulation. People who remained vigins till later years, usually masterbating excessively, haha, take some time to get used to the differing sensations that they're getting, often resulting in not being able to achieve an orgasm, losing an erection etc.
If this is the case, all the prior advice remains, dont stress him out, nurture it along, don't blame yourself, blah blah.
Its not "normal" trust me. My DH went slightly insane when his BP meds goofed up his ability to get erect. We had a difficult time working it out because I took it as "rejection" and felt fat, ugly unsexy. 95 times out of 100 its simply a medical problem. Men stink at seeing a doctor. If he has problems staying erect during intercourse he has ED. **If it happens regularly. If he has ED there is a reason. Age etc only make it more "common" its never normal. Finding out why is very important. It might be simple and a big "nothing" or it could be serious. Like undiagnosed Diabetes or heart issues. Or an interaction with a drug.
Work with him and be aware he might have a tantrum or two. ;-) Men (in general) are scared of doctors because they just don't see them. If I were able to do this over in my relationship I would simply call the doctors office spell out the problem (Tell them he has erection problems) and ask for an appointment. Then I would tell him that he has a doctors appointment and that WE would have lunch afterwards. **Yes, I would go with to make SURE the problem is addressed. And I would want to be there to make sure that they find the cause. And not just send him home with a bottle of Viagra Tablets (But thats good as well! ;-)
Don't worry about this being because he masturbated excessively as a youngster. I PROMISE you that's not his problem. Practically all my life (since adolescence) I've been an excessive masturbator and I'm 47 years old and have yet to lose my erection while I'm inside my wife.
ALSO, don't worry about this being because of you or because you are not attractive to him. There's something else going on. The medicine, maybe a combination of medicines that he's taking etc.
You probably do need to talk to him about this. I appreciate your sensitivity in wanting to ensure that you don't make him feel bad. If you tell him that you're really concerned about him and that you just want to make sure that he's ok, he'll be alright. PARTICULARLY if as a result of your conversation, he goes and gets checked out and there is something minor causing the problem and he gets a quick fix to it.
Good luck. You seem like a really nice partner. I hope this works out well for you.