I think I'm asexual

classichb · 07-18-2008, 12:41 PM

Ok. Here's the deal. I'm 21 years old, have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years and when we have sex, it's great. Sometimes I even have multiple orgasms. He'll do anything to make sure I'm happy. The thing is, we hardly ever have sex and it's all my fault. We're both young, healthy, attractive, but I just never feel the desire to have sex, never have. Sex hardly ever even crosses my mind.

Sometimes I end up feeling bad because I know he wants it...all the time, so I do it and once I get into it, I like it but it's so hard for me to even get into it. He is my first and only so I don't know if maybe he's just bad at foreplay or whatever but even if that were the case, I don't feel the desire in the first place and it's not something I would ever consider leaving him over.

We have talked about it numerous times and each time I say I'll try to make it better and it is better for like a week then I run out of steam and don't want to do it anymore. I know that it really hurts his confidence and self esteem to be turned down by his girlfriend all the time when every other guy his age is having sex left and right.

We've bought toys, lubes, porn, etc. nothing really helps. I am on birth control and thought maybe that was lowering my sex drive but I've been off of it for about a month and I don't see a difference.

The rare times that I do get horny (which really is only like once every 3 months), I would rather just go masturbate and do what I know will work than mess around forever and make it a big deal.

My boyfriend is the most wonderful, romantic person in the world and I love him to death. I wish there was something I could do to make him happier aside from forcing myself to have sex when I don't want to.

Any advice?
Thanks!

**rcoreyus** · 07-18-2008, 02:22 PM

This is unfortunately common - but it is a big problem for him. Maybe you can try just doing things for him - and once you start you may find that you are enjoying it. Maybe.

My wife has always had a very low interest in sex - and it is a real strain on an otherwise wonderful relationship. I would never want to leave her - but I feel like a whole part of my life is missing - and sometimes I find other women tempting.

**Fire(m)** · 07-18-2008, 07:17 PM

rcorey...I couldn't have said that better or more eloquently. Nice job. It does happen. I am in that position as well although my s/o would say that it's not so. It has been a great marriage, but I can tell you that other than a couple of years out of 22 I have not been fulfilled...ever. I wonder sometimes if I didn't compromise too much. I think honestly though that this problem is a lot more common than people let on to. Also, if you come on a website that discusses issues of sexuality, the women that frequent that site are "less likely" to be women who don't care about sex.

Most of the women on sites of sexual nature who are "regulars" are women who are learning, wanting to learn, exploring their bodies, sexuality, and open to having good sound sexual relationships.

Classichb, this may be a good place for you to hang out and contemplate some of this. You shouldn't feel forced to have sex. I have really struggled with an internal mental battle over the years of pushing my wife to have sex versus taking the hit on myself and not getting it. I have really tried to err on her behalf...and have probably had sex an average of 2x per month for the past 22 years. Now it's probably 1x per month on average.

Oh well...you do what you have to do. One thing interesting though...like yourself, my wife has always had a GREAT time at it. Orgasm after orgasm, etc. REALLY. I do know that she's not faking it because sometimes it takes forever to get her there, but we eventually do and it's earth-shattering. She (like yourself) just doesn't think about it or she would just rather not. OR she would rather masturbate and just get her issue taken care of quickly and efficiently without the male involvement.

Thanks for sharing your situation classichb. It's good for everyone who's in this situation, men and women to connect on this and understand one another a little bit better.

Cheers.

07-18-2008, 12:41 PM	#1
classichb Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 19	I think I'm asexual Ok. Here's the deal. I'm 21 years old, have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years and when we have sex, it's great. Sometimes I even have multiple orgasms. He'll do anything to make sure I'm happy. The thing is, we hardly ever have sex and it's all my fault. We're both young, healthy, attractive, but I just never feel the desire to have sex, never have. Sex hardly ever even crosses my mind. Sometimes I end up feeling bad because I know he wants it...all the time, so I do it and once I get into it, I like it but it's so hard for me to even get into it. He is my first and only so I don't know if maybe he's just bad at foreplay or whatever but even if that were the case, I don't feel the desire in the first place and it's not something I would ever consider leaving him over. We have talked about it numerous times and each time I say I'll try to make it better and it is better for like a week then I run out of steam and don't want to do it anymore. I know that it really hurts his confidence and self esteem to be turned down by his girlfriend all the time when every other guy his age is having sex left and right. We've bought toys, lubes, porn, etc. nothing really helps. I am on birth control and thought maybe that was lowering my sex drive but I've been off of it for about a month and I don't see a difference. The rare times that I do get horny (which really is only like once every 3 months), I would rather just go masturbate and do what I know will work than mess around forever and make it a big deal. My boyfriend is the most wonderful, romantic person in the world and I love him to death. I wish there was something I could do to make him happier aside from forcing myself to have sex when I don't want to. Any advice? Thanks!

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07-18-2008, 02:22 PM	#2
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,743	This is unfortunately common - but it is a big problem for him. Maybe you can try just doing things for him - and once you start you may find that you are enjoying it. Maybe. My wife has always had a very low interest in sex - and it is a real strain on an otherwise wonderful relationship. I would never want to leave her - but I feel like a whole part of my life is missing - and sometimes I find other women tempting.

07-18-2008, 07:17 PM	#3
Fire(m) Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 290	rcorey...I couldn't have said that better or more eloquently. Nice job. It does happen. I am in that position as well although my s/o would say that it's not so. It has been a great marriage, but I can tell you that other than a couple of years out of 22 I have not been fulfilled...ever. I wonder sometimes if I didn't compromise too much. I think honestly though that this problem is a lot more common than people let on to. Also, if you come on a website that discusses issues of sexuality, the women that frequent that site are "less likely" to be women who don't care about sex. Most of the women on sites of sexual nature who are "regulars" are women who are learning, wanting to learn, exploring their bodies, sexuality, and open to having good sound sexual relationships. Classichb, this may be a good place for you to hang out and contemplate some of this. You shouldn't feel forced to have sex. I have really struggled with an internal mental battle over the years of pushing my wife to have sex versus taking the hit on myself and not getting it. I have really tried to err on her behalf...and have probably had sex an average of 2x per month for the past 22 years. Now it's probably 1x per month on average. Oh well...you do what you have to do. One thing interesting though...like yourself, my wife has always had a GREAT time at it. Orgasm after orgasm, etc. REALLY. I do know that she's not faking it because sometimes it takes forever to get her there, but we eventually do and it's earth-shattering. She (like yourself) just doesn't think about it or she would just rather not. OR she would rather masturbate and just get her issue taken care of quickly and efficiently without the male involvement. Thanks for sharing your situation classichb. It's good for everyone who's in this situation, men and women to connect on this and understand one another a little bit better. Cheers.