wanting more

**Fire(m)** · 08-01-2008 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Unfortunately you are in a pretty common situation. As a married guy, all I can say is "twice a week - you lucky dog!", I am down to something like 1-2/month (and there are other men on this list who would consider me lucky).

Like you I am good to my wife.

I'm very sorry you are in this spot - but it may not get any better.

To the original poster. What Rcoreyus says is true. I think it's extremely common for a man and woman to get married and afterward there is much less sex which seems to continue on a downward sprial for some time to come.

I too am in this position and I've been married for 22 years. I get some about 1x per month. Does that make me happy? I'll put it to you in a question..."Would that make you happy"? ...uh...I didn't think so. Nevertheless, it is what it is and I'm crazy about my girl in every way other than that.

I think it's wrong when people assume that it's because the guy isn't satisfying her (I mean, that could happen). I know that's not the case in my household and I know of several others where it is not the case either. I think that it is just that some women have a lower libido than others. Before you get married, they have a major interest in "selling you" on how great it's going to be. Once your married, you're sold.

It is often said that: "Men marry women hoping that they won't change and they do.
Women marry men hoping that they will change and they don't."

That saying didn't come about because there was no reason for it. Sorry you're in the same boat as the rest of us dude. I bet that you had at least one or two buddies who warned you (but of course, you couldn't listen to them because they don't know your girl...blah...blah...blah...) we've all been there.

Good luck with that.

Cheers.

**Machine** · 08-01-2008 04:35 PM

Originally Posted by Fire(m)

To the original poster. What Rcoreyus says is true. I think it's extremely common for a man and woman to get married and afterward there is much less sex which seems to continue on a downward sprial for some time to come.

I too am in this position and I've been married for 22 years. I get some about 1x per month. Does that make me happy? I'll put it to you in a question..."Would that make you happy"? ...uh...I didn't think so. Nevertheless, it is what it is and I'm crazy about my girl in every way other than that.

I think it's wrong when people assume that it's because the guy isn't satisfying her (I mean, that could happen). I know that's not the case in my household and I know of several others where it is not the case either. I think that it is just that some women have a lower libido than others. Before you get married, they have a major interest in "selling you" on how great it's going to be. Once your married, you're sold.

It is often said that: "Men marry women hoping that they won't change and they do.
Women marry men hoping that they will change and they don't."

That saying didn't come about because there was no reason for it. Sorry you're in the same boat as the rest of us dude. I bet that you had at least one or two buddies who warned you (but of course, you couldn't listen to them because they don't know your girl...blah...blah...blah...) we've all been there.

Good luck with that.

Cheers.

You were right about my friend whom warned me and I thought "NO" that can't be me. ahhahahahah, so here is the millon dollars quesiton. How do you guy deal with this. We have needs right????? Now what?????

**rcoreyus** · 08-01-2008 04:48 PM

Well - we're just screwed (or not actually). I've just decided that I don't get much of a sex life.

As others have described, my wife seems to enjoy sex - just not very often. I don't just lust after her body - we spend LOTS of time doing all sorts of things. We also do lots of not very sexual physical cotact - hugs, lying next to each other in bed talking.

For the original poster - don't expect it to get better.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-01-2008 05:47 PM

Fire(m), Rcoreyus, Machine

Boys Club.....

Can I gatecrash again? You know i like a debate...

Sure, I'm not going to disagree with you guys, but what i am thinking is, you two have been married for some 20 years, Machine, you've been married for 4 months.

What i see also is she is 36.

Okay 2 years ago it was hot and heavy... She was 34 so still not a spring chicken so to speak.

It may be exactly that.. She's now married, bad luck, it's just when it happens, when i feel in the mood, that's all there is to it.

I know from me, at 45, the 7 years marriage was ahhh, but not because i didn't want that intimacy trust me.

So yes, it can be a "persons" sex drive, if they have one, they're in, if they haven't there out.

But, all i can say is when i was married, i also was ok with once a month, but, big but, only because it felt like sex... plain, sex... He wanted it, got it, rolled over, or left the room after, sex... no intimacy, including kissing, that's right, kissing, simple things.

So, i couldn't be bothered.

Sure, as far as "sex" went, when we did, at least i had some but it didn't please me to want it because i knew it was only going to be sex.

In this instance, i am definately not saying, he should have spent 20 minutes on me, then i do this, then we do that etc, etc, I am purely saying there was no passion, no feeling of it happening because he found me sexy, or beautiful, or touched my face during that week, smiled, kissed me, i am saying it was just let's do it i feel like sex.

Now for a passionate woman whom was so before marriage, is so again, off course and will be again in the next relationship, or else i'll just stay here and wait, lol, if it feels like it's just sex, then we don't necessarily want it or feel sensual therefore, crave it, we just say too hard.

My opinion as a woman....

With a sex drive.............

That didn't get it herself from her man.

CW

**Fire(m)** · 08-01-2008 06:02 PM

Also to the Original Poster...don't take it out on your girl. This is a part of the nature of a woman. Learn to live with it and focus on having a great life with your girl. That way when you do get some it will be great for both of you.

As far as to what do you have to do to get by...well, you've heard of the phrase "take matters into your own hands". Well there you have it.

The problem here is that you THOUGHT it would be different. So did she in her own way...trust me...you're not the only one that is discovering the joys of marriage. It's a 2 way street. Remember. We men hope she'll never change and the woman hopes we will.

Cheers.

CW you make a fantastic point. I agree with what you are saying. Sorry to make it a boys commissuration club...I know you don't need that.

To the original poster. If you don't do your "job" right with your lady, your 2x a week or 2x a month will turn in to 1x ever 2 months. One thing I have learned over the years is by ALL MEANS, when you do get the opportunity to do it, make it happen! Do it right. Give your lady as many "O's" as she can freakin stand. If she WANTS a quickie give her one, but in general, take your time, and do her right, and DO NOT go to sleep afterward. If it's the last thing you do, be very wary of that (it seems to be one of the biggest pitfalls men slide into).

Our main goal in having sex with our wifes (especially those with low libidos) should be to ensure frequent return engagements.

Cheers.

**rcoreyus** · 08-04-2008 10:22 AM

I understand what Chandlers Wish is saying, but it isn't the case in my relationship. We spend lots of time just together - sitting next to each other on the sofa - with an occasional kiss. Lying curled up next to each other in bed. Back rubs, foot rubs. Vacations to romantic spots. She gets hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" all the time, flowers by surprise at home, or occasionally delivered to her work.

Strangely she is the one who always wants to hurry sex. Just wants me to do the things that finish her quickly.

Maybe she thinks I do all those things just for sex.

So, as far as romantic / affectionate, I'm all out of ideas.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-04-2008 03:16 PM

Boys Club was in jest.

As i noted that the thread was going totally only along the lines of please yourself, forget it, it won't change and Women weren't answering their thoughts on why.

Ever the optimistic, I focused on the fact he has only been with her a couple of years and only married for 4. That Lust is always the reason to start with it's new, exciting, boy meets girl... Then for sure it seems to fade.. But I'm thinking 4 months is not long and if he is not attentive, or wooing her, left the chase behind, himself, just making her feel like he wants sex, it could very well be why she doesn't want it.

That was one thought but the threader hasn't stated that he is intimate with her, without being sexually intimate and he does touch her shoulder and smile, etc...

You know Rcoreyus that I've been here long enough to also understand the point of view of throwing in the towel, because no matter what you do, she won't budge and accepts those cuddles, kisses but still won't budge, the sex drive is not there... And, that i wish had a solution there but i don't. And, that the "love of the person", still keeps a man there, the loyalty what the word marriage meant to start with. He doesn't leave and see if he can have all of that and what he has now as well.

Fire(m) that is certainly one solution if that does work, that being make it awesome for her, when you do have sex so that she likes having it when she has it and perhaps starts to instigate more herself, as that's another solution, if the threader is purely wanting "sex" all the time.

The "THOUGHT" it would be different in this scenario may be true to forum though just as much in this regard:-

Not that i want to throw a spanner in the works, but think about this.

She was 34 when she met you, for a Woman, that's oh oh, i am being left of the shelf, regardless of how much attention she gets, what she looks like, it is purely age. Then after 2 years ( 6 months preparing for a wedding) so concentration would have been 18 months of togetherness, she gets married. Now she doesn't have to feel like she is left on the shelf she did it. But, was it all lust and fun, then fear of age and marriage? 4 months after a wedding and now it's simply i wanted to get married.

I am saying this as it is a fact. She may feel she has a "good" fellow, one who loves her she knows that. But, her subconscious intentions were to get married, he's like a best friend and she figures it will all grow together, but there is no deep bond of the two of you, no intensity of even wanting to be kissed or made love to, there is no deep connection...

So either, she feels like it is just sex and can't fathom this, or she married for the wrong reasons and is going with the flow.

If you read stats on women over 35 and the fear of being single, geez I was one of those crowd, i was 37 when i married, then you'll note that those women just fall into place, and the "lust" period ended before the honeymoon... They love the concept of the word Marriage, they will be a wife, but they didn't marry out of total bond, soul, rather connection and friendship and time to do it.

This also may simply be where she is...

There can be more than one reason why a 4 month marriage is already on the rocks. Not being totally in love but thought you were through the courtship, then once living together as husband and wife can certainly be a reason as well...

One more final reason, can also be that both parties could have been batchelors, never married before. Both over 35, trying to live together in a husband and wife relationship, both being very independent and she may also be disillusioned over chores, or what she feels is chores and that sex is also a chore.

Marriage at the beginning should still be laughter, friendship, sharing, caring and togetherness, not a wife doing all of her wifely duties, then she feels like everything is a chore.

Guess there is now at least 4 scenarios to consider and if the threader returns and looks deep inside, he will see one that stands out, if he can communicate with his wife even better, as she may agree that one of the scenario is how she feels and he can sought something out that will keep the marriage alive.

My opinions of course.

CW

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