Thread: GF is not adventurous in bed and won't talk...

The short story is I am 31 and she is 26. She wants to be a "good girl" in everything she does. I know she loves affection more than sex, she has told me this but she also told me she still enjoys sex. Everything else is fine in the relationship but this really bothers me. To the point it will be a dealbreaker if it doesn't shape up.
Sex has only been missionary. Me, oral to her. None for me even though she says it is not her favorite thing to do she has done it. What am I to feel? I have made some strides in the bedroom though, I got her to talk a little dirty, so it is moving at a snails pace.
Its been 2 months. how long before I know this is a permanent thing and not something she is willing to work at?
I have never been this frustrated over this ever. How do approach now?

Patience, she is moving but really slow. Ok. You might want to try working on the different positions first. Try the cowgirl thing, while in missionarry, don't ask her, just roll right into it and put her up there. If she needs help, give her a couple thrust to get her moving. Grab those breast and don't let her get off of you.

Or try the doggy style, get a little frisky with her take off her pants or jack up her skirt, place her face down on the bed and go for it. If she says stop then stop. Take some initiative with her to get the ball rolling if she doesn't want to talk about it.

Good luck

I am always initiating and usually while in the act I will say "I want to take you from behind" or something like that and she said not this time but did say maybe the next time once. I just feel like I am begging. She has also said she doesn't like it on top!!! I never heard of a women not liking it that way.
For the record she also will not masturbate.
I will be patient but I am giving an unspoken timeline for myself. 6 months should be plenty of time for her to show her true colors in this area don't you think?
She also shot down using birth control pills so I wouldn't have to wear a condom. All this even after I told her I cannot have an O myself through sex.
I am just confused with this one. I guess patience and perserverence are called for.

Is there something in her past that can be causing this? Sexual abuse? Bad part relationship?

Adventureness, kinkiness, whatever seems to vary from person to person. Maybe she will become more adventurous - but she may not, so if an "exciting" sex life is important to you, she may not be a good match.

Your girlfriend is obviously scared or very self-conscious and embarrassed by sex. Maybe she was brought up to believe sex is 'dirty' and she can't let herself go just yet. Could she be worried about her body-image?

If you love her, or even just have strong feelings for her you will patient for as long as it takes because in time, when she realises you're not going anywhere and you're not going to think any less of her whether or not she goes on top etc she will loosen up, relax and become more confident in bed.

I don't know how romantic you are but maybe you could put more effort into making the whole night special for her before going to bed- ie, have a romantic meal together, drink some wine, watch a movie, cuddle up together and just show her that you can do all that without it having to lead to any more than 'missionary'.

By the way, it has only been 2 months!

Originally Posted by damd

Is there something in her past that can be causing this? Sexual abuse? Bad part relationship?

Not much in good relationships in her past and she said she was raped when she was 18. Perhaps I need to get her to work on those first and make sure she has made her peace with them.
I am very romantic and communicative. I feel like the woman in the relationship. I just hate losing sleep over this.
I am not looking for kinkiness just some variety and to do some things that please me for a change.
I am going to back off and concentrate on me more and see if she comes around so to speak.

Originally Posted by what2do

Not much in good relationships in her past and she said she was raped when she was 18. Perhaps I need to get her to work on those first and make sure she has made her peace with them.
I am very romantic and communicative. I feel like the woman in the relationship. I just hate losing sleep over this.
I am not looking for kinkiness just some variety and to do some things that please me for a change.
I am going to back off and concentrate on me more and see if she comes around so to speak.

I think that is the root of the problem. She may still have issues with regards to sex. I think she wants to be normal and fine with it, but we can be talking about her subconscience at work here. I think you are just going to have to be patienced with her. Encrourage her but don't force her.

what2do...
CHILL DUDE!!!! You have a good girl...a nice girl who is giving you some within 2 months of starting to date her. You should be THRILLED, but instead you're busting her chops? Give her a break. She's a prize! Maybe you would be better suited to a ? If you keep pushing her, that is not good dude.

What you should do if you want to make progress with her is take off the pressure. 100% off. THEN, make it fun! This is supposed to be fun! Not just for you though! For HER TOO! She isn't going to have fun if you are cohercing her to do stuff she isn't comfortable with! Take it easy and slow, let her have a fantastic time then "sell" her on how much fun it would be to do it a slightly different way! Don't expect her to flip over and let you plow away "ramming it in home". Just lift up one knee, and slip to the side a bit. Let her experience the pleasure from a slightly different angle...when she gets an angle she likes (an angle that is giving her a little more FUN) then she'll tell YOU...do it a little bit further over, etc.

You will never win her by cohercing her or by putting timelines or mandates on what she should do. If you're going to ever get her to do it your way, you're going to have to do so by being a stand-up partner. By being a man about it and making sure that she's having all of the fun she can have...then, and only then, do you have a chance that she'll start to do things your way.

By the way...what2do, the fact that she is insisting on you using condoms just tells me she is intelligent. You SHOULD appreciate this. This means that she hasn't been doing OTHER people without condoms either. SHE is protecting YOU and you're acting unappreciative. Hmmmm...what does that tell us about you!?!

If I were you, I'd be really happy with this girl and the possibilities that she represents. Just think about it.
Cheers.

I agree with taking the pressure off and I do enjoy giving her pleasure but when do I come into the equation. Lets face it. This early in the relationship we shouldn't be able to take each others hands off of one another. This just worries me about what the future may hold.
Point blank. Some women just are not good in bed. I am simply trying to figure out a way for both of us to be content and decide if it is a real dealbreaker for a long term relationship. I know what I want and need in all areas of the relationship.
About the birth control aspect: is it really out of the question in the future if this becomes a long term relationship? I hope not. Especially since I have delayed ejaculation problems and cannot "O" through sex EVER.
Basically, I am backing off any sexual talk with her and am not initiating anything and put the ball in her court. I am will ing to stick it out as long as she tries. But if someone doesn't want to work on therer problems on their own you cannot force them and may have to move on. Thats all I am trying to figure out.
Thanks for all the input. I think I know how to move forward now.