Thread: Lack of communication and owning up.

I'm going to talk to my boyfriend about something soon and I need to hear people's opinions.

I enjoy doing everything sexually with him, we try out various things and do the regular stuff too. It does feel good, he enjoys pleasing me and vice versa. Though for a while I haven't been able to get an orgasm, I haven't told him (and sometimes faked). This is all down to me not communicating though, he makes me feel good and I know he would be willing to do things that I enjoy or continue doing them, so I don't know why I haven't been able to say more often, "can you continue doing that for longer", or "I really like this can you do it?" I think it might be because I like pleasing him, and what we do does feel good. I sometimes just get caught up with sex and not think to maybe try doing something a bit longer that is more likely to make me orgasm.
I've been trying to sort it out myself, but I feel like I need to tell him that I haven't been able to finish and I have lied about coming sometimes, this will make me stop faking all together and to push myself to communicate and then us having an even better sex life.
Another reason why I haven't told him is that I have never been an easy comer, like every single time. I don't mind that, because all girls are different. Plus since I enjoy the feeling of various parts of sex with him, I think that an orgasm every once in a while is special and I appreciate it more if it isn't routine and comes all the time.
But I'm going to tell him this because having too much of a space (like months) isn't fun, I'd like to have it a few times a month! Him knowing that I'm not very good at communicating can help me to push myself to do so.

I want to tell him soon, do you think over the phone would be okay or should I wait to tell him in person (a few days time).

Tell him in person, no doubt about it.

Also, expect him not to be that pleased, not with your inability to orgasm but about the fact that you have faked it... That (though never happened to me AFAIK) is a pretty humiliating thing to hear... Not only the inadequacy that it raises, but more like the fact that you didn't think you could talk to him, the fact that you just took the p*ss and acted will make him feel pretty .

That said, you need to be teaching exactly what you want, he's not a mind reader. Especially if he thinks everything is fine because you're faking orgasms nothing will happen to improve it.

So, tell him, in person, be honest, about everything. And then it'll all work out and more orgasms for you.

I know that it won't be a pleasant thing to hear, I've imagined myself in his shoes and I would feel inadequate.
Though the thing is I want him to know it hasn't been him who hasn't been up to it, like I get no pleasure or he's not very good, it has been me. I haven't got the best self esteem, and it has come into my sex life and me not being able to tell him what I would like. Sometimes it feels like this barrier where I can't say anything.
I really don't want him to think I may fake again, me opening up will stop them. But I guess it's my fault in the first place for doing them.
Another weird thing is that I feel content when he's around, then when he's not I get irritated at myself sometimes for not communicating.

Can anyone help me with the best way of telling him everything, but not sounding harsh and making sure he is told that I feel it was all me for the lack of orgasming?

Personally, I wouldn't tell him anything about faking it in the past, etc. I'd just begin to direct him to do what it is that will get you your "O". Help him get you there. You're trying to do the right thing for him and yourself by being straight up about whether or not it's feeling good or going to make you have an "O". Just do that. I wouldn't tell him anything about the past or you faking it. Just let that go and make it a personal goal to stay truthful in the future, and to help communicate with him exactly what you need to get off.

Cheers.

Thank you, you two :-)

I was thinking today what I should say to him, and I kinda thought why don't I begin again, like he's a new boyfriend.

I've always had a bit of a bad communication problem with my partners in sex, I get kinda embarrassed saying things sometimes! Though the last few times with sex I've been more open because I realised a while ago I needed to be so. I think I just need keep on doing this, and I will get better. I won't be amazing at first.

I think I should follow your advice and continue and get better with directing, and not fake, cold turkey with that haha. I was worried if I completely stopped and started doing this that he would notice the change, but I realise if I direct well I will feel good and pretty much look the same!

I agree completely with Pheobee and Fire.

Must do it in person. Over the phone you cannot read body language. In person.

The past is the past. Absolutely NO reason to tell him you faked it in the past.

I'm a guy and I can't read minds. I need instructions. It took a long time for my lady and I to feel comfortable with this but we have succeeded pretty well.

Now, if appropriate, she will say without hisitation, "Don't stop."

Consider this. Tell him that "somethimes when you have sex you want to communicate things to him so he can do even better. You know he can't read minds, but you are embarassed sometimes to say anything. Can we talk about a way that together we can work out a way to communicate that both of us feel comfortable with"

NO negative words. nothing about the past. Make it so he will help you to help him BE AN EVEN BETTER LOVER. Get the picture.

When my lady and I started in ernest to search for her G-spot, she was still to embarassed to "give directions." So I tried this, and it worked.

I had her hold my thumb in one of her hands. If what I was doing (in my search) felt "good" she would squeeze my thumb. No verbal communication needed.

Really worked well. the part of our brians that control speaking and hearing did not need to be used. Just sense of touch. seems to also not "ruin the moment."

Just a suggestion.

Face to face. No history. Work together on the problem. What guy woulf not want to help his lady to help HIM to be a better lover. We have such fragile egos that it really does not take much for a wise woman to give our egos a boost and makes us feel even better about ourselves.

We men are very easy to manipulate if you think about it a little.

But then, you women are even easier to manipulate - once you learn the secret.

You guys are amazing :-)
I was feeling terrible today and last night not knowing what to do, now I'm excited about my sexual future with my boyfriend :-)

I'll keep that non-verbal communication thing in mind owlhunter! That sounds quite good for situations where it's hard to talk, and for days when I'm feeling shy.